“To a lot of people, taking care of kids is not a job,” says Ron Wilson of Aurora as he fetches juice for his sons — Alex, 6, Jack, 4, and Renick, 2. “They think I’m sitting home reading magazines. But those are the people who have never been home with kids all day.”
Watching the kids for an afternoon while Mom runs errands doesn’t count, Wilson says. Men who are their children’s primary caretakers — day in, day out — know each day is an endless string of changing diapers, short-order cooking, folding laundry, carpooling, grocery shopping and trekking to the pediatrician.
“It’s a good day when I can read the paper before my wife gets home from work,” Wilson says.
Yet Wilson says he wouldn’t trade his job for a lifetime supply of Veggie Tales videos. Neither he nor his wife, Denise, a quality assurance manager for a promotional toy company, regrets the arrangement they agreed to five years ago, when he quit his job as a mechanical engineer. His answer to the superwoman’s “do it all” credo: “You can do it all, but not at once.”
According to the U.S. Census’ 1993 Survey of Income and Program Participation, 1.9 million dads of children younger than 15 defined themselves as the primary caregivers. The census hasn’t counted them since, but those in the trenches say the number of at-home dads grew steadily in the ’90s as more of their wives headed back to the office.
Peter Baylies, publisher of the “At-Home Dad” newsletter, cites his subscription list as an example of the growth; it soared from 100 to 1,000 in the last five years. His Web site (athomedad.com) receives 2,000 hits a week. In 1998, the third annual At-Home Dads Convention, hosted by the newsletter and Oakton Community College in Des Plaines, drew 150 participants from across the United States. The Web site for another newsletter, “Full-Time Dads,” www.fathersworld.com/fulltimedad, gets 1,500 hits a month. Full-Time Dads is based in New Jersey and published by at-home dad James McLoughlin.
“We’ve gone from freakish to unusual,” says Baylies, himself an at-home father of two young boys. “Now, we’re starting to see the results of the increase of at-home dads — more fathering conferences and books, more dads with kids in ads, and `parent-tot’ instead of `mom-tot’ programs.”
The “traditional” family, including breadwinner father, at-home mother and children younger than 18, which totaled 46 percent of American, married-couple families in 1978, has yielded to a demographic crazy quilt that includes one- and two-career families juggling split shifts, flex hours, part-time jobs and leaves of absence. By 1998, the percentage of Cleaver families, with working Wards and homemaking Junes, dropped to 26.
Although at-home moms still outnumber their male counterparts, the men are coming out of the closet, broom in one hand and spatula in the other. As they and their neighbors accept their new job titles, they shelve their previous handles.
“I’ve met people who said at first that they were musicians, writers or coaches,” says Wilson, who networks with other at-home dads and attends dad conventions. “But really, they were only working a few hours. Now you can admit you’re an at-home dad.”
“There will always be someone who says, `You’re not man enough to get a job?’ ” says John Chapman of Geneva, who is a full-time father to his children, Jenna, 8, and Ian, 7, while his wife, Dr. Katherine Fackler-Chapman, practices family medicine. “You have to be comfortable with who you are.”
Fackler-Chapman compares it to the stereotypes she encounters as a female physician: “I call the pharmacy and they assume I’m one of the office staff, not the doctor.”
Women are not always supportive. One woman said in a letter to the “At-Home Dad” newsletter: “I believe that God has commanded the man to work outside of the home and for the woman to raise the children.” But the reaction Denise Wilson and Katherine Fackler-Chapman hear most often from female coworkers, at least, is envy. “Other women say, `I wish my husband would do that,’ ” Fackler-Chapman says.
Like most couples with an at-home dad, the Wilsons and Chapmans were two-career families who decided to simplify their lives by ditching, temporarily at least, the less lucrative job. “We had an English nanny at first,” says Chapman, who moved from his native England to the United States in 1992. “When we moved here, it made sense for me to stay home because my salary was less.”
The Wilsons figured out the true cost of keeping two incomes.
“By the time we added up day care, clothing, commuting, lunches and dinners out, higher income taxes and higher car insurance — we were in California, where car insurance was based on distance — we figured out if both of us worked, we made only $3,000 more,” Denise Wilson said.
Neither Ron Wilson nor John Chapman had a male model for their new jobs.
“Never baby-sat, never had younger sisters or brothers,” Wilson says.
“Absolutely no previous experience” is what Chapman says he brought to the job. “That’s why I agreed to a nanny at first. But I’ve learned by doing.”
The on-the-job training requires a sense of humor, say the dads. Case in point: The school’s questionnaire at Wilson’s son’s kindergarten screening.
“I answered all the questions, like, `Can your child count?’ and, `What’s your child’s medical history?’ ” Wilson says. “Then I got to the last question: `Did you have any difficulties with your pregnancy?’ I wrote, `No.’ “
As mavericks, these dads are often excluded from mom-and-child play groups, a recurring theme in the “At-Home Dad” newsletter. As a result, isolation was the No. 1 complaint cited by at-home dads in a 1996 study conducted by Robert Frank, adjunct professor of psychology at Oakton Community College in Des Plaines and an at-home dad.
In fact, Frank found 66 percent of the caregiving fathers felt “somewhat isolated” or “totally isolated” compared to 37.4 percent of their female counterparts.
Other at-home dad complaints echo those of at-home moms: too little time to themselves, monotonous routines and worrying about re-entering stalled careers.
Overall, though, Frank’s study revealed 51 percent of the fathers said they were “extremely satisfied” with their arrangement.
Part-time at-home dad Ed Barsotti of Aurora savors what many consider the perfect solution. “I work Monday, Wednesday, Friday. My wife, Laurie, works Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. When I’m home with the kids, I do everything — cooking, cleaning, watching the kids. When she’s home, she does everything,” he says. “We even take turns volunteering at the school.” Laurie, a software engineer, and Ed, an electrical engineer, were able to keep their company benefits.
Wednesdays are reminders of what life would be if both Barsottis worked full time and juggled child care for 6-year-old Brian and 3-year-old Sara.
“On Wednesdays, Sara goes to Grandma’s,” Laurie Barsotti says. “Brian goes to school in the morning, then Ed takes him to a friend’s house. At the end of the day, the dishes aren’t done, the house is a mess.”
Barsotti believes men parent differently. “Laurie tends to do more quiet things with them at home,” he says. “I do more adventures, like taking the train from Naperville to Downers Grove and back.”
Ditto for Wilson, who says his wife is more likely to draw pictures with the children, while he instigates the roughhousing.
That’s not how it is in the Chapman household.
“A lot of roles are not necessarily because of gender but because of circumstances,” John Chapman says. “Traditionally, Dad threw a ball to the kids because Mom was making dinner. I make dinner, so Kathy throws the ball.”
Although Ed Barsotti has reduced his salary and John Chapman and Ron Wilson have temporarily chucked theirs, they consider themselves well-compensated. Chapman and Wilson say their rewards are their children’s health and happiness. Barsotti is more specific: “When my son comes over to me out of the blue and says, `I love you.’ “
Although the Chapman, Barsotti and Wilson children are too young to appreciate their good fortune, University of Illinois freshman Nate Szymczak, 19, of Tinley Park can reflect on having an at-home dad. His father, Len, was home with him and his sister, Melissa, now 21, in the early ’80s, which Len describes as “the days before men’s rooms had changing tables.”
“It didn’t seem unusual to me at the time,” Nate says. “But, looking back, he was the only dad at the first day of kindergarten. He was always there for us, which is probably why we still have a close bond that not all my peers have with their fathers. I don’t see parenting as feminine or masculine. Men should and can spend a lot of time with their children.”
WHERE AT-HOME DADS CAN LOOK FOR HELP
You’re not alone, at-home fathers tell others who spend most waking hours with the sandbox set. And, thanks to e-mail and the Internet, networking with others is easy. Following are some at-home dad groups and resources:
– Peter Baylies, an at-home dad from North Andover, Mass., publishes a quarterly newsletter called “At-Home Dad” (subtitled “Men who change diapers change the world”). Each issue includes “Spotlight on Dad” and “Dad Business” features, plus child-raising tips from readers. For a year’s subscription, send $15 to At-Home Dad, 61 Brightwood Ave., North Andover, Mass. 01845-1702. E-mail: athomedad@aol.com.
For information about the next At-Home Dads Convention, to be held Nov. 20 at Oakton Community College in Des Plaines, contact Baylies or Robert Frank at Oakton, 847-657-7811, or, e-mail, drbobfrank@aol.com.
– For a copy of the “At-Home Dad Handbook,” contact Curtis Cooper, an Apple Valley, Minn., at-home dad. It includes a collection of articles by dads, offering advice about topics ranging from starting a play group to avoiding burn-out. The chapter about befriending at-home moms warns dads: “No flirting, no dates, no innuendoes, no double-entendres. . . . One mistake here and a dad will be permanently on the outside looking in.” The handbook costs $12, including postage. To order, send a check for $12 to AHDH/Curtis Cooper, 13925 Duluth Ct., Apple Valley, Minn. 55124; Cooper can be contacted via e-mail at Dadtodad@aol.com.
Cooper also oversees Dad-to-Dad, a national network of support groups and play groups that grew from Cooper’s first neighborhood group in 1994. Names, telephone numbers and e-mail addresses of at-home dads looking for company are published in his Dad-to-Dad insert in Baylies’ At-Home Dad newsletter.
– At-home dad James McLoughlin publishes a magazine called Full-Time Dads. Each issue covers dad-oriented parenting tips plus a column for SOSAHDs (spouses of stay-at-home dads). To order a subscription for $20, call 908-355-9722 or send a check to Full-Time Dads, 193 Shelley Ave., Suite 202, Elizabeth, N.J. 07208-1061.
– Parentcity.com is a Web site operated by McLoughlin and Full-Time Dads founder Chris Stafford of New Brighton, Minn. Geared toward at-home dads and moms, and including chat rooms and discussion boards, it gives special attention to new parents.
