Parents today have access to a wealth of information on child-rearing — do this, don’t do that, listen to the experts and you’ll be fine.
But the parenting “solutions” have become a big part of the problem, believes Dr. T. Berry Brazelton. “Now that we know more about child development and parenting, people are pushed by the knowledge to be the perfect parent, to have the perfect child.”
The result: stress.
“Stress is the biggest issue for parents today,” says Brazelton. “While the stresses on parents have increased at a logarithmic rate over the last few decades, the support systems have not risen to match them.”
Brazelton will be in the Chicago area Dec. 9 to discuss “Stresses and Supports for Today’s Families.” The event, which will be held from 7 to 8:30 p.m. at the Chicago Medical School in North Chicago, is sponsored by the Child Care Coalition of Lake County and is being held to highlight the coalition’s goal to educate parents so they can raise their children with confidence.
Brazelton is a well-known parent confidence-builder and has duly earned the moniker “America’s most celebrated baby doctor.” A clinical professor emeritus of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School, he also founded the child development unit at Children’s Hospital in Boston. In 1973, he created the Neonatal Behavioral Assessment Scale, now used worldwide to evaluates infants’ personality and development.
The famed pediatrician is best know to the public for his authorship of some 26 books on pediatrics and child development, a syndicated television program, a radio program on NPR and a syndicated column called “Families Today.” Through these many vehicles he dispenses compassionate, sensible advice on how to raise happy, healthy children.
At age 81, Brazelton continues to work at full steam, teaching classes and taking about 80 road trips a year to share his knowledge. His ready smile and delightful laugh are trademarks recognized by many a sleep-deprived parent looking for reassurance after failing to calm a red-faced, wailing infant.
Brazelton has had personal contact with thousands of parents and is convinced they care a great deal about raising their children well. “I’m always terribly impressed with the number of parents who passionately wish they could do a better job. But the stresses on them and around them are so great.
“They have no time to think about what they’re up to, to make their priorities, no time to be together. And if they do have time, it’s planned time, rather than `hanging out’ time.”
Some people believe demanding kids are part of the problem — that children today feel an unreasonable “sense of entitlement.” The kids believe they have a right to get everything they want, when they want it, and what’s taking so long anyway?
Brazelton sees children’s sense of entitlement as a symptom of the stress problem.
“I know my daughter, who’s so stressed as a single parent, just gives, gives, gives all these things, as if buying things for the children would make up for the things she knows they’re missing.”
Entitlement may come about because parents are aware of how tough life is, so they try to buy what they have trouble giving physically or emotionally.
Parenting is made up of tough issues, says Brazelton, but Mom and Dad shouldn’t beat themselves up over it. “The truth is, parents learn by mistakes. It’s important that they develop the energy to deal with tough issues.”
When a parent returns from work stressed and exhausted, she may not be ready to deal with a child who starts screaming at her the moment she walks in the door. Rather than go into a panic, Brazelton suggests that the parent pick up the child, head for a rocking chair and give the child some love.
“If you’re ready for the situation, you can pull the child to you and say, `My day was lousy, yours was, too,’ then take him into the kitchen to help you. You can make up for a lot of away time by doing this.”
Patience and time building are critical elements in dealing with a stressful life, says the pediatrician. Patience requires that you look closely for what your child is trying to say.
“Use your child’s behavior as a language and see what’s behind it, and don’t just react,” says Brazelton. “When you react, you’re missing out on what your child is really trying to tell you.”
The time issue involves sitting down and figuring out your priorities. It may require easing up on the workload or deciding how much money you realistically need as a family — then adjusting your time away accordingly.
Ultimately, the best influences parents can have on their children are the early ones. Brazelton notes that there are three critical values a child must be helped to develop in the first three years of life.
“The first is self-esteem and the second is altruism — caring about other people,” he says. “But the critical one is a motivation for learning. Parents sometimes feel they have to spend a lot of time teaching kids with flash cards and the like.
“But the truth is, emotional intelligence is really where it’s at.”
COALITION REACHES A MILESTONE
The lecture by T. Berry Brazelton is being held to mark the 10th anninversary of the Child Care Coalition of Lake County, a nonprofit organization working for quality early childhood care and education.
Currently, the coalition’s focus is on its Quality Project, which aims to raise the educational level of early childhood teachers and caregivers. The project also provides scholarships to the College of Lake County and brings in speakers such as Brazelton to meet with teachers.
Another goal of the project is to encourage early childhood centers and homes to become accredited, a mark of quality beyond state licensing.
“As we enter our second decade, we’re planning to create a Web site where parents can turn for information about quality care for their children,” says Barbara Haley, director of the Quality Project.
“Stresses and Supports for Today’s Families,” a lecture by Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, will be held from 7 to 8:30 p.m. Dec. 9 at Finch University of Health Sciences/The Chicago Medical School, 3333 Green Bay Rd., North Chicago. Preregistration is required by Dec. 1. Admission is $10. For more information or tickets, call 847-604-4405.
