Everyone wants to be loved or in love, especially on Valentine’s Day. But relationships aren’t always easy and can be even tougher when there’s a big age difference. When you’re a kid, does it work to be interested in someone older than you? We’ll tell you about some kids’ experiences (we’ve changed their names to protect their privacy) and offer some expert tips about how to deal.
When Sloan was 14 and a freshman at Deerfield High School, she fell hard for a senior who was 18. They had tons in common and started dating. But “it was so hard. I was always nervous around his friends, because I thought they were critical, and he was ready to do things I wasn’t,” she admits. That led them to break up. She recognizes now, a few years later, that “I was too young,” but feels lucky that it wasn’t a hurtful experience.
Madeleine was 13 and in 7th grade when she dated someone 16 who went to her Chicago school, but she wasn’t as lucky as Sloan. “I wasn’t on the same level as him or his friends, and they were into different things than I was,” she says a few years later. That included smoking, drinking and sex, and Madeleine said, “You do what they do to be like them and be cool.” They broke up after a few months because “he said he was sick of me,” and the whole experience left her hurting.
So should you stick to someone your own age? It’s hard to generalize, because kids mature at different rates. Still, experts agree on two points: If you have a crush from afar on someone much older, it’s usually harmless. But if you’re actually involved with someone older, be careful.
Having a crush on someone older and totally unattainable actually can be healthy, explains Merilyn Salomon, a Chicago clinical psychologist. “It’s pretty common for young girls to fantasize about older guys and idealize them, because they find it very satisfying to share these fantasies with their friends.”
Her take on boys is that they usually fantasize more about sports and cars than about girls!
Chloe, 12, a 7th grader at Francis Parker in Chicago, has a major crush on a junior, 16, who “doesn’t even know I exist.” All her friends like him, too, and they talk about him constantly. She says “everybody likes him because he’s perfect – smart, cute and nice,” but he’s involved with a senior. (Though not one boy we contacted for this story would own up to any older crushes, Crystal, 11, a 6th grader at Chicago’s Inter-American Magnet School, says “all the boys in my class are in love with Jennifer Lopez,” which sounds like a fantasy to us.)
But real relationships with older partners can hurt. “When you’re young, every year makes a huge difference in maturity,” says Pepper Schwartz, a professor of family sociology at the University of Washington. “For instance, if you’re 11 or 12, you just like being around someone, but when you’re 13 or 14, you may want to kiss. Eleven- and 13-year-olds could be in totally different places.”
Of course, some kids are mature for their age. But Schwartz says that no matter how together you are, “there are developmental things you still have to go through that make you very different from someone a few years older.”
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CRUSH IS WAY OLDER THAN YOU
1. “Explore the basis of your crush before you get close,” Chicago clinical psychologist Merilyn Salomon says. “Ask yourself what you get from this person that you can’t get from someone closer to your age and maturity level. You may get a better understanding of your needs and be able to avoid a hurtful experience.”
2. Don’t do anything that you’ll regret, like drinking or drugs. You don’t even have to do stuff that’ll be OK someday, like kissing, if you’re not ready for it.
3. Get advice. Family-sociology professor Pepper Schwartz suggests confiding in the parent you’re closest to. Also, parents can come in handy by setting limits for you. That lets you off the hook as far as explaining why you won’t go out with someone. It’s OK to simply say your folks won’t let you! Also, Chicago teen Madeleine says you can get pretty wise advice from older, more experienced friends.
BOY CRAZY?
A TRADING-CARD COMPANY HOPES THAT PAYS OFF.
Decipher Inc. has created Boy Crazy, trading cards aimed at girls 10 and up. Each card shows a cutie-pie boy, age 12-22, and tells his height, birthdate, astrological sign and eye color. Plus, it tells what he likes in a girl (like “pretty smile” and “kindness”). The cards can be collected, traded or used to play Boy Crazy, a game in which players win points by guessing which boys their friends like.
We’re thinking girls would be better off getting to know real boys, not cardboard ones. But if the cards are your thing, you can look for them in stores in coming months (no specifics yet on which stores). Or you can order them on-line at boycrazy.com. They’re $3 per set of nine. If you try ’em and like them, let us know! (Still, we REALLY can’t get into a suggestion a child psychologist recently made to a reporter: He said boys and girls could play the game together, so boys could learn what girls want. Doesn’t that sound absolutely painful?)
MUST BE LOVE…
Hope you guys aren’t too crushed, but word is, actress/singer Jennifer Lopez is standing by her boyfriend, rapper Sean “Puffy” Combs. According to the New York Post, Lopez has dumped her lawyer because he suggested she break away from Combs. Her manager reportedly is hanging by a thread for the same reason. Lopez recently spent a tearful night in jail after she and Combs were nabbed by police as they drove away from a Dec. 27 shooting at a New York nightclub. Police found one gun on the street after it was thrown from Combs’ sport utility vehicle. A second gun was found on the floor of the passenger seat. Combs was charged with criminal possession of a weapon in the second and third degree. No charges were brought against Lopez. Combs is due back in court Feb. 14.
SENDING OUR LOVE…
To express our warm, fuzzy feelings for our readers, we’re giving away a KidNews Cares Package. It’s stuffed with funky and fun items designed to win over the heart of one lucky reader. Simply fill out the form below and mail it back to us. We’ll accept all entries that are postmarked by Valentine’s Day, Feb. 14. We’ll pick the winner in a random drawing that very day and notify him or her by phone.
Because only one reader can win, here’s a sweet deal: We’re sharing all the info you’ll need to search out these products on your own. Hey, we have a heart!
The Messenger of Love teddy-bear-in-a-bank (Russplus) is $8 at Target. The Love Bites flavored lip tints are two for $3 at Walgreens. At Old Navy, you’ll find the boxers ($7.50), the heart-covered T-shirt ($12.50), heart-shaped notebook ($3), nail polish and decal kit ($5.50) and patterned emery boards ($1 each).
FIRST NAME, LAST INITIAL: ———–
AGE: ———–
PHONE NUMBER (please include area code): ————
Send to:
KidNews Cares Package
5th Fl., Chicago Tribune
435 N. Michigan Ave.
Chicago, IL 60611.
