When he’s not snoring on the couch, Grandpa Lou dishes out nothing but good advice to the other members of the Pickles household in the popular Nickelodeon cartoon show “Rugrats.”
Grandpa Lou is wise as only an old person can be. His practical no-nonsense approach stands in sharp contrast to the angst-ridden follies of his son Stu, and Stu’s wife, Didi.
Frequently, Grandpa Lou acts as the tolerant, if somewhat distracted, caretaker of little Tommy Pickles and his friends. This arrangement often lands the whole Pickles bunch in some kind of, shall we say, pickle.
But through every misadventure, we get the idea that each Pickle knows his place. And everyone knows who’s really in charge — the kids.
As reversed as their roles may be, the Pickles live together in quasi-intergenerational harmony because their responsibilities are clearly defined. And that, experts say, should be the goal when an elderly parent moves in with an adult child.
Too often, undefined roles not only blow the living arrangement but the whole parent-child relationship.
“The lines have to be drawn very carefully,” said Vivian Greenberg, a clinical social worker and co-author of “Should Mom Live with Us? And is Happiness Possible if She Does?” (Lexington Books, New York, 1992).
“Everyone needs to sit down in advance and figure out what they need in order for the arrangement to work.”
According to a survey from the American Association of Retired Persons, about 13 percent of older people live with another family member. The number increases with the age of the elderly person. Some 40 percent of people over the age of 85 live with a relative.
To make the arrangement work, the older relative should have his or her own living quarters in the house, experts say. Ideally, the quarters should have a sleeping and sitting room. And in the best of all possible worlds, the space should have a kitchen as well.
Beyond the physical requirements, though, there should be a clear understanding of who is responsible for which jobs in the house.
Greenberg tells the story of a woman who moved in with her son and daughter-in-law, both high-powered lawyers with grueling work schedules. Mixed in the stew were two small children.
Immediately after moving in, the grandmother started running the house. It got so bad that if the baby woke up in the middle of the night, the daughter-in-law and grandmother would both make a mad dash for the baby’s room.
“It became a race for the baby,” said Greenberg, explaining that the situation created bad feelings all the way around.
Things got better after the family sat down and worked out each person’s duties.
“Everyone needs to figure out what they need,” said Greenberg.
The older person also should have interests or hobbies that give his or her life meaning and pleasure, Greenberg recommends.
Older people shouldn’t depend on the younger generation for all of their entertainment. In her counseling practice, Greenberg says she sees too many seniors who become dependent on their children for everything.
Unpleasant as it may be, Greenberg says a discussion should take place early on, ideally before the parent moves in, regarding what will happen if the older parent becomes disabled or ill. An elderly parent should not expect the adult child to handle all the care giving.
Also, “they must talk about the time when a nursing home becomes the only solution,” Greenberg said.
Though living with an adult child can be fraught with pitfalls, Greenberg said, “when the arrangement works, it works wonderfully well.”
Not surprisingly, the best candidates for the arrangement are the most mature. Parents and children who live together successfully are able to communicate with each other, negotiate and compromise.
“It takes a lot of grownup-ness,” Greenberg said.
Greenberg once counseled a woman whose mother-in-law was showing up at the house at unexpected times to see a much-adored granddaughter. The mother-in-law had a key to the house and sometimes would even let herself in and iron her son’s shirts.
The mother-in-law was obviously lonely but she refused to visit the senior center because, in her words, she “didn’t want to hang around with a bunch of old people.” What she really wanted was to spend more time with her family.
As it turned out, the son and daughter-in-law desperately wanted a bigger house, but couldn’t afford one. So both generations sat down and worked out an arrangement where they would buy a big house together and live there.
“They talked about everything in advance,” Greenberg said. “They drew the lines very carefully. Their roles were very defined. The mother-in-law isn’t the cook and slave.”
The mother-in-law isn’t lonely anymore either; she helps with her granddaughter. The adult children have a better living arrangement, too.
The presence of young children in the house can be rewarding for a grandparent, but kids raise thorny issues.
“Grandparents have to be very careful not to parent their grandchildren,” Greenberg said.
She adds that the role of the grandparent should be that of a person who shares wisdom, insights and affection. Grandparents shouldn’t overstep their authority by making rules for the children or acting as the disciplinarian.
Seems Grandpa Lou Pickles got it right after all.
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Jane Adler is a Chicago-area freelance writer. If you have questions or information to share regarding housing for senior citizens, write to Senior Housing c/o Chicago Tribune Real Estate Section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Or e-mail adler@megsinet.net
