Cultural rifts that divide generations have been part and parcel of the American immigrant experience. The Indians from South Asia–1.2 million strong in the United States–are no exception.
For many other second-generation Indian women in the United States, issues of dating and marriage will plague them until they walk down the aisle (or around the fire, if they choose a traditional Hindu ceremony).
“For a girl to grow up and have a successful marriage and children is fulfilling some part of her duty,” said Ketu H. Katrak, director of Asian-American Studies at the University of California at Irvine.
In India, marriage is traditionally a union based more on social and economic interests than on romantic love between individuals, a decidedly more Western notion. While some immigrants from India do allow their daughters to love American style, others insist they maintain as many Old World customs and beliefs as possible.
Some parents become even more traditional after arriving in the United States, said Katrak, who left India in 1975.
Some parents believe that “if you don’t assert those cultural values, you might lose that culture, or lose your children to Americanization.”
Bina, a vivacious, attractive doctoral student in Palo Alto, is 33 and under intense parental pressure to find a husband. Not just any husband will do. He must be Indian, and he must be Hindu.
“They’re extremely worried,” said Bina, who preferred not to give her last name. “It’s a daily talk: `You’re getting older. You need to start thinking about marriage. If you don’t start now, you won’t find any Indian boys.’ “
Her parents and friends are forever introducing her to potential mates.
“It’s like a job search,” she said. “It’s much more systematic as I get older because I don’t have as much time.”
It is difficult to generalize about the Indian subcontinent, an immensely diverse region, with several major religions, dozens of languages and subcultures, and vast class divisions. And, to be sure, cultural and generational conflicts abound in every immigrant family.
But for Indian daughters, the question of when they marry is one they will all have to answer. The pressure comes in numerous forms, from an occasional inquiry to matrimonial ads placed in Indian newspapers.
How daughters deal with parents’ concerns is just as varied.
Some try to do what their parents want. Some date on the sly. Some try to urge their parents to accept new ways. Some refuse to do set-ups, while others reluctantly agree.
“I feel a huge sense of responsibility for making my family happy,” Bina said. “I think Indian women get the party line told to them, which is, `We’ve done so much for you to make you happy, this is the least you can do to make us happy.’ I think that level of guilt is something I haven’t been able to work through.”
Tonima Khan, 19, a sophomore at the University of California at Berkeley, said her Muslim parents, from Bangladesh, had forbidden her to date but expected her to marry when she was 24 or 25.
“Sometimes I feel like, why are they even sending me to school if they’re just going to marry me off?” she said. “I feel like my whole life has been a scam. They’ve raised me to be this perfect eligible bachelorette.”
Some parents emphasize character over ethnicity.
“I told (my children) a long time ago, they can marry anybody they want to, but a nice person,” said Aruna Reddi of Fremont, whose son, 31, and daughter, 24, are both single. “I just want them to get married.”
