In a remote cabin in Door County, Wis., Evanston mothers Kathy Monar, Wendy Metter, Kim Hoopingarner and Karen Behles were sitting by a fire during their annual getaway weekend, talking about their kids and asking some timeless questions:
“Will my daughter come to me when she is troubled?”
“Will she know she can talk to me about anything?”
“How can I make sure that she does?”
Out of last year’s ruminations came a mother-daughter book discussion group, which is held in their homes and populated by their closest friends.
“First, we wanted to hear what our daughters thought about different issues,” explained Karen Behles, mother of 11-year-old Mara. “We wanted to listen to what their friends were thinking as well. Secondly, we saw it as an opportunity to continue to read to our children. Too often, kids get read to less as they get older. We read out loud with our daughters.
“Lastly, we saw it as a preventive measure. We wanted to find a way now when they are still young, to teach them how to communicate with us.”
Just as her mother had hoped, Mara said the group helps the two of them communicate better.
“Since we started the group, I have learned better ways to express myself. When my mom and I argue, I think more about what to say,” Mara said. “When I read about others’ feelings, I feel like they do and then I can say it better.”
A survey of area bookstores turned up few such groups, but Metter said that from her experience, home-based groups are growing in numbers.
“I belong to another book discussion group that is set up a little differently than this one,” she explained. “We have it set up more like a play date. We discuss the book for 45 minutes over dinner, choose a new book and then the kids play together. Another friend of mine has a book discussion group with 2nd graders. I plan to start a 2nd grade group for my son.
“It’s a wonderful way to communicate with your child, and bond,” Metter said. “I think the reason this is becoming so popular is that it provides intimacy when it is done at home. This is less likely to happen in a commercial setting with people who aren’t socially connected.”
Behles urged other parents to create a group of their own.
“I would tell other mothers or fathers to definitely start a group,” she advised. “Don’t make your group very large. When it gets too large, it makes it difficult for everyone to speak unless you go all night. Create a group of intimate friends that are in the same age bracket. Alternate hosting the group, that way, every one of the girls gets to choose which book is discussed at their homes.”
Monthly meetings often become sounding boards as the girls bounce thoughts and ideas off their mothers and friends. Behles praised the group as a place where the girls can speak their minds in a non-competitive environment.
“At school, our daughters are constantly put in positions where they can’t say what they know or think. Research was done that showed boys are called on more in math and science classes, so girls don’t feel comfortable speaking up,” explained Behles. “When they put girls in math or science classes without boys, they perform better. We wanted to give them a chance to feel at ease and say whatever they want whenever they want.”
According to Roni Cohen-Sandler, co-author of “I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You!” (Penguin USA, $12.95), book discussion groups and similar activities send daughters the uplifting message that their mothers are interested in and committed to spending time with them.
“Mothers have to use whatever tools they have available to stay connected to their daughters and they have to build a foundation when they are young,” said Cohen-Sandler. “Mothers can do this with activities such as volunteering together, traveling together for retreats or book discussion groups.”
Cohen-Sandler offered tips for mothers thinking of starting a book discussion group.
“It’s very important to let the girls be a part of the decision-making process. It’s important to first discuss books with neutral topics,” she said. “For instance, if you are going through a divorce, don’t discuss a book about divorce, at least not until the girls are comfortable within the group. Also, it’s very important for mothers to displace their own feelings. Moms need to be sure they discuss the issues in a safe way, without self-disclosing.”
In the Evanston group, the kids often choose books that relate to the lives of group members. A recent choice, “The Girl with the Silver Eyes” (Scholastic Paperbacks, $4.50) by Willo Davis Roberts, dealt with divorce, a topic that has touched the lives of Kathy Monar and her 11-year-old daughter, Amelia.
“When we discussed (the book), I was wondering how my daughter would respond,” Monar said. “In the book, the mother has a horrible boyfriend who tells the little girl to get him a beer, and he orders her around. I told that group that I would never do that. I could tell that Amelia was relieved and reassured.”
Amelia said she too believes the book club is encouraging her to communicate with her mother. “I feel closer to my mom,”Amelia said. “We read together and I like that. I feel like her friend. I like talking to other parents but I also like to hear what my mom says.”
Cohen-Sandler said a great way to reinforce and relay information to a daughter is through other people.
“This is one reason a book discussion group is so valuable to young girls. They have a lot of mentors and people to learn from,” she added. “When you can’t get a message through to your daughter, let it come from other trusted sources. Create a bond that even the teenage years can’t break.”
