What’s next for the “Survivor” crew?
B.B.
Best case scenario: Successfully terrorizes nation by showing up on the Reform Party ticket.
Worst case scenario: Spends retirement years building a house on the San Andreas Fault.
COLLEEN
Best case scenario: As the kittenish new host of MTV’s summer beach-party show, she’ll endorse a new line of fungus-preventing, scab-healing Nair products.
Worst case scenario: Can’t leave house due to hordes of would-be boyfriends lining up at her door.
DIRK
Best case scenario: Endorses line of waterproof, sand-resistant Bibles.
Worst case scenario: Stampeded by cows in home state of Wisconsin.
GERVASE
Best case scenario: Builds a business empire with wildly popular “Success Through Slacking” seminars.
Worst case scenario: Unable to charm himself out of a series of paternity suits.
GREG
Best case scenario: Markets ultrapopular coconut-shaped cell phones.
Worst case scenario: He and his sister join forces with Angelina Jolie and her brother in an attempt to create a family-swapping craze.
GRETCHEN
Best case scenario: Uses her special Air Force training to stage revenge pranks on Tagi alliance (sneaks into Richard’s house and short-sheets his bed, etc.).
Worst case scenario: Remembered only as lovable soccer mom ousted by evil Tagi alliance.
JENNA
Best case scenario: Displaying her other set of twins in Playboy is the high point of her post-“Survivor” career.
Worst case scenario: Gets into catfight with Colleen for the affections of Greg; has to settle for Dr. Sean.
JOEL
Best case scenario: Finds a life partner willing to put up with his offhand, sexist condescension.
Worst case scenario: Forced to take a position at Colleen’s burgeoning Nair empire and silently seethes at having to answer to a “chick.”
KELLY
Best case scenario: Successfully evades outstanding arrest warrant for credit-card theft in South Carolina.
Worst case scenario: Jeff Probst realizes his wallet is missing.
RAMONA
Best case scenario: Chain of fast-food fried-maggot restaurants takes off.
Worst-case scenario: Proves life imitates reality-based programming and lives out a nondescript, banal life.
RICHARD
Best-case scenario: Becomes a political strategist, makes millions.
Worst-case scenario: Richard’s Immunity Dance fails to catch on, and bearded Machiavelli continues to be passionately hated by American nation.
RUDY
Best-case scenario: Joins with Richard to travel the country hosting diversity training seminars.
Worst-case scenario: Infomercial created to sell Chef Rudy’s Super-Blackened Fish Grill is a bust.
SEAN
Best-case scenario: After appearing on daytime soaps playing a hunky-but-stupid doctor, his acting career peaks when he is cast as Gilligan in a remake of the ’60’s sitcom (with Rudy as the Skipper?).
Worst-case scenario: “Susan Hawk in Examining Room 4.”
SONJA
Best-case scenario: Star attraction in the lounge of the airport Hilton in Kota Kinabalu, Borneo.
Worst-case scenario: Voted out of her family for constant ukelele playing.
STACEY
Best-case scenario: Makes running-shoe commercial. Oh, wait . . .
Worst-case scenario: Stacey who?
SUSAN
Best-case scenario: Makes a fortune from WWF pay-per-view smackdown of Richard.
Worst-case scenario: Drives a truck, lives in Wisconsin.
