What is it that moves you so much that you will give away your hard-earned money with no other return except making someone else happy?
Evidence that people are going hungry? Or a plea that people you know want to throw a party in a restaurant they announce they can’t afford?
The hope of changing a child’s life by providing scholarship money? Or the knowledge of what a certain child wants, even though you never hear from that child directly, but have been told to check a Web site wish list?
Homelessness? Or a request that everybody contribute to the down payment for an engaged couple’s house?
Whatever touches you, and however fine your nature, Miss Manners guesses that you respond more often to requests for luxuries than for necessities.
You may give often for the purpose of helping strangers, but you probably give to people you know just about every time they ask, even if you don’t find their requests sympathetic.
This ought not to worry Miss Manners. Although she believes in philanthropy, she also believes in helping and pleasing friends. Even more relevantly, it isn’t her money.
Only please don’t say she is making you do it. And don’t believe your greedy friends who claim that it will upset her if you don’t give them what they want. True, you don’t want to mess with Miss Manners when she’s upset, but they are the ones who are dangerously upsetting her.
They plead their limited budgets and schedules as if no decent person would stand by and allow such conditions to curb their plans. Amazingly, they have made others feel it is up to them to bridge the gap between what they want and what they can afford.
Miss Manners supposes one has to admire them for getting away with this. But they will have to do it without her help.
Here are the permanent etiquette rules, along with the authorized variations (and the unauthorized ones that rude people commonly claim):
Rule: Host pays all expenses and does all the work of entertaining, in order to fulfill whatever invitation he has offered to prospective guests.
Authorized variation: A cooperative party is suggested and the division of work and expense are agreed upon by whoever wants to participate.
Unauthorized practice: Someone posing as a host issues an invitation and then levies a contribution on the supposed guests.
Rule: All present-giving is voluntary, no matter what the occasion, and the donor supplies the thoughtfulness as well as the payment.
Authorized variation: Recipient drops mild hints and, if asked, admits to modest preferences.
Unauthorized practice: Recipient, or someone acting on recipient’s behalf, collects money or assigns purchases.
Rule: People are supposed to live within their means.
Authorized variation: Kind people should help those in need.
Unauthorized practice: Passing yourself off as needy when you only mean greedy.
Dear Miss Manners: At a church wedding my family attended, a guest, a friend of the hosts’ for many years, wore a massive green bow tie with battery-operated blinking lights.
With a history of inappropriate attire at such occasions, this guest had been requested in advance by the hostess to wear an appropriate tie, shirt, etc.
His angered response was to wear the clown tie and to position himself at the back of the church for all guests to see him as we exited. Of course, first to see him were the bride and groom.
Understandably, the bride and her parents were deeply hurt. How should this blatant act of hostility be addressed? Or should it?
Gentle reader: Etiquette reaches people by appealing to their desire to please others or, failing that, to their sense of shame. This person does not strike Miss Manners as a good prospect for either.
Fortunately, etiquette has even greater wisdom to apply to such cases: It gives up on them. What the hurt family — and anyone else who expects to be treated with respect — should do is to stop associating with someone who has proven himself impervious to their feelings.
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Send etiquette questions to Miss Manners, c/o the Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
