My golf buddies are very kind to me. They allow this novice to take as many mulligans (a do-over, for all of you non-golfers) as necessary, so I can move the ball forward, which is pretty challenging sometimes to this humble duffer.
So what are we supposed to do about this election? It appears that of those who voted, 49 million of us chose George W. Bush while the other 49 million of us (if they could read the ballot) chose Al Gore. Because neither of these guys was strong enough to carry a commanding lead over the other, then neither of them is fit for the Oval Office.
So let’s mulligan this election and tee-up two more candidates.
Only this time, let’s vote for the vice presidential nominees, Dick Cheney and Joe Lieberman. Bush and Gore had their chance and failed.
If you don’t like that solution, then I’d suggest we revert to the practices of the Republic’s earliest days, when the presidential election’s loser was elected vice president. So it would be Bush-Gore or Gore-Bush.
Either way, it wouldn’t matter because this time a deal would be imposed by the American people on both camps: The White House would be prohibited from proposing any legislation unless both the president and the vice president agreed on the bill.
Bipartisanship would become the norm because future laws would go something like this: Every time Bush wanted to cut your taxes, Gore could save a few hundred trees. Each school voucher could be worth 200-300 trees, maybe more. Or a tract of land could be declared a natural wildlife and/or wetlands preserve in exchange for a few extra dollars in your wallet. Think what a big, corporate tax cut could do for the ozone layer.
This would enable Bush to be the environmental president or vice president, depending on the outcome, something that eluded his old man, while Gore could look Reaganesque, claiming he’s very concerned about saving you a few dollars on your tax return.
Don’t like that solution? Then how about this one?
The only thing Americans really care about is their money. So let’s reward the man who’s truly responsible for our strong economy. Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan would make a fine president and could be ordered to take the job through a ruling, albeit farfetched, of the United States Supreme Court.
He’s done more for our economy than either President Clinton or Congress. He’s kept interest rates low and has, by all accounts, provided for a soft landing, if, indeed, we’re headed for an economic slowdown.
Alan’s pretty dull, and after eight years of Bill Clinton, I’m ready for some boredom at the White House. A good time for Alan is probably re-reading his econ textbooks from college, not making eyes with interns. In fact, this probably will be the first president who puts the nation to sleep during the State of the Union address, which wouldn’t be all bad if you believe that we Americans aren’t getting enough sleep.
Greenspan is, by all accounts, a Republican. So we can borrow from solution No. 2 and make a member of the opposing party the vice president. Every good No. 2 is a reflection of his or her boss.
That being the case, there’s only one man who’s uniquely qualified to be Greenspan’s vice president–Al Gore.
