And now, your personal guide to the historic pageant that is this year’s thrilling Presidential Inauguration.
Question — What is the theme of the four-day event, running Thursday through Sunday (with the swearing-in on Saturday)?
Answer — The theme of this year’s exceptionally thrilling inaugural seems to be “Go Away!” or “Keep Out!”
The Secret Service — which has already permanently closed a large section of Washington’s Pennsylvania Avenue and turned the White House perimeter into a facsimile of the Berlin Wall’s Checkpoint Charlie — appears ready to make the capital into a version of Peking’s Forbidden City during the event.
Because of expected protest demonstrations against the Bush presidency, vast stretches of the city are being walled off and spectators will have to pass through metal detectors at 16 checkpoints just to get near the parade. In keeping with America’s egalitarian spirit, six of these checkpoints will be reserved for VIPs. Large puppets and people on stilts have been banned from the festivities (something about throwing stilts), and no protest sign on a stick thicker than three quarters of an inch will be allowed.
For those who miss the good old days of the Cold War (if not the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago), this inaugural should be a real treat.
Q — Isn’t it worth it, though, to hobnob with all the stars and celebrities?
A — If your favorite song is “Bei Mir Bist Du Schoen,” it certainly is.
At Bill Clinton’s 1993 inaugural, one hobnobbed with Kim Basinger, Alec Baldwin, Barbra Streisand, Geena Davis, Maya Angelou, Judy Collins, Aretha Franklin, Chuck Berry, Ray Charles, Jack Nicholson, Lauren Bacall, James Earl Jones and even Republican Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The headliners at the Bush inaugural are on the order of Wayne Newton (who’s probably bringing his own security), Kelsey Grammer (a poor substitute for Kim Basinger, if you ask me), composer Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber (I guess they couldn’t get Margaret Thatcher) and, yes, Bo Derek. (She was once the most beautiful woman in America, I think, just after Virginia Mayo — or was it Fay Wray?)
Q — What’s it like at those fabulous inaugural balls?
A — Have you ever been on a crowded rush hour subway train in the middle of winter when the heaters on the train don’t work? That’s pretty much it, except you’ll also be assaulted by the din from over-the-hill and over-amplified country and rock bands, and old women who’ve thrown up all over their ancient prom dresses from drinking too much cheap liquor from plastic cups.
This year, the committee is cramming all 50 states, plus Guam, American Samoa, the Virgin Islands, Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia, into eight inaugural balls.
The lucky attendees from Colorado, Delaware, D.C., Hawaii, Idaho, Iowa, Maryland, Massachusetts, Missouri, Nebraska, New Hampshire, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Vermont, Virginia and Washington state will all be jammed together in the D.C. Armory, an old sports arena in a deteriorating neighborhood miles from all the other balls (one hopes the South Carolinians will not bring along their cherished state Confederate flag).
Q — Will I be able to bring back lots of nice inaugural souvenirs to impress my dull neighbors?
A — You don’t even have to come out here for that. The Bush Inaugural Committee is already hawking mail order souvenir junk over the Internet (www.inauguralgiftshop.com).
For $65, you can get a genuine men’s inaugural watch (and maybe kinda let on George W. himself may have given it to you). A mere $38.95 gets you a genuine cheap golf shirt embroidered with the inaugural crest. Inaugural emblazoned T-shirts (nothing proclaims you a member of the elite like a T-shirt) go for $12.95.
My favorite section is “Inaugural Drinkwear,” which in Texas I think is just a bourbon bottle.
The committee is also selling two types of souvenir inaugural license plates that you can actually keep on your car up until April 30. The $50 plate simply bears the numbers “002001,” rather like the numbers worn by the people who likely manufactured them. The $65 kind can be personalized, though the committee warns, “No form of George W. Bush or Dick Cheney will be accepted. Any inappropriate or offensive request will be refused.”
Darn.
Q — Isn’t there anything significant and historic about this inaugural?
A — President George W. is going to be sworn in using the same historic bible his father used at his 1989 inaugural, which is also the same bible President George Washington used in 1789.
Alas, it’s also the same bible used by Warren G. Harding, who in addition to swilling lot of bootleg hootch with his looney pal Ned McLean used to keep a long string of bimbos on the side, so I hope the Inaugural Committee checks to make sure there’s not one of Nan Britten’s old garters stuck in there.
Q — Will you be attending this year’s presidential inaugural?
A — Yes, but only for the chance to hobnob with Bo Derek — though I’d much rather spend the week with Virginia Mayo.
