At a baby shower I once attended, the hostess passed out index cards to all the guests. The idea was that each of us would pass on some parental wisdom to the mother-to-be. I wrote, “Don’t plan on getting much sleep for the first six months.”
I found out later that most of the guests had written tender nuggets like, “Remember to make time for you and your husband,” and “Enjoy these years–they grow up so fast.”
Their insights were sentimental, mine practical. Some might think I missed the mark, but if I had to do it over again I’d give the same advice, except I’d change the six months to a year, just to be on the safe side.
Parenting my three children has been the biggest challenge of my life. Sometimes I think I’m doing fine, other days I find myself short on patience and long on regrets. The trite saying, “There are no perfect parents or perfect children” is true.
Still, I thought my mothering skills were up to par until I read an article in a parenting magazine listing all the do’s and don’t’s for raising children. I did fairly well on the “do” list. Like most people I read to my children, try to set consistent limits, monitor television viewing and so on.
I was certain that I would score well on the “don’t” list as well. I scanned it expecting bans on things like candy for breakfast, R-rated movies and letting your children play with sharp objects. What I wasn’t prepared for were such admonishments as: Don’t ever lie to your children. Never threaten to leave somewhere without them. Don’t respond to a request with “maybe later” in the hopes that they’ll forget. Never compare your child to one of his or her siblings. There were more, but you get the idea. Following the tenets of this article would negate my best parenting techniques.
Never lie to your children? At face value this seems reasonable. The difficulty here lies in the word “never.” The article gives the following scenario. If you tell your child that there are no more cookies, and he finds out later that indeed there were cookies, what does this tell him about honesty and trust?
At this point I’m thinking that if you put the cookies up really, really high this might never be an issue.
Some of my finest parenting moments have involved deception. I’ve pointed to intimidating men in stores and said to unruly children, “That man wants you to settle down and behave.”
Equally hard to follow would be the rule that states: Never threaten to leave somewhere without your child. The article says that threats like this prey on a child’s fear of abandonment. I have trouble understanding why that would be detrimental. I suspect that without the abandonment threat a multitude of parents would be stuck permanently in amusement parks and McDonald’s Playland. In my case, a birthday party in 1996 would have forced me to declare Chuck E Cheese as my new mailing address. In theory, I agree that parents should never compare a child to one of his or her siblings. I know that my children have their individual strengths, talents and personality quirks. Although one may be musically talented or a stellar scholar, another may be able to burp at will or do what can only be described as “the monkey dance.”
The experts would say that each of these things defines them as an individual, and no child should be made to feel inferior by comparison. I know this is true. But despite my best intentions I still find myself saying, “Look how nicely your sister is eating without making gagging noises,” or “If you keep practicing, some day you’ll be able to burp whenever you want, just like your brother.”
A somewhat easier rule for me to follow is: Don’t respond to a request with “maybe later” in the hopes that your child will forget. The reasoning is that children deserve the same respect as anyone else. Don’t give them the brushoff–give a direct answer. Personally, I would never say “maybe later” to my kids. I much prefer “I’ll think about it” or the very direct “we’ll see.”
The rest of the “Don’t” list was equally disconcerting. All of my secret-weapon parenting tricks were right there, but listed as things I shouldn’t be doing. I’m finding it hard to believe that I’ve been doing it wrong all these years. There must be some explanation. Maybe the author doesn’t have children, or perhaps it’s a misguided attempt at humor.
All I know is, I’m going to continue doing things the way I’ve always done them, and if anyone doesn’t like it–well, I’m completely open to discussion, but not just now. Maybe later.
