NAME: Karen L. Annarino
BACKGROUND: “Stepmothers and Stepdaughters: Relationships of Chance, Friendships for a Lifetime,” by Karen L. Annarino with Jean M. Blomquist (Wildcat Canyon Press, $12.95) is a compendium of advice and anecdotes about step-relationships that develop into enduring friendships. Annarino, an actress, producer and stepdaughter, lives in Los Angeles.
Q–The stepmother/daughter relationship is so interesting. You love the same man but in different ways. The daughter didn’t choose him; the stepmother did.
A–You have no choice in the matter–that’s why it can be so difficult. But you can make a choice about making the relationship work.
Q–What are the most obvious perils?
A–The stepmother often comes into the relationship with certain expectations and the need to be liked and understood. But if she doesn’t communicate her role, lay out the ground rules of the new family dynamic, she can be misunderstood.
Q–What about acting as if the first mother never existed?
A–That’s a major flag. A lot of women who become stepmothers go in thinking they should mother the children, but the first thing stepdaughters often say is, “I don’t want another mother. I have a mother. You’re not going to discipline me.”
Q–What about stepmothers coming in with best of intentions and the daughter assumes the worst anyway?
A–A lot of times there’s this power play. A stepmother needs support from her husband–that’s key. If he takes a back-seat approach and says, “OK, you guys. You have to learn to fend for yourselves,” the stepmother and daughter can go through all sorts of things. The stepdaughter feels more powerful; this is her father, and she’s protecting the relationship.
Q–The very word “stepmother” is problematic. “Step” makes you sound like a half-thing, an addendum.
A–It’s a bad word. The negative stereotype of the wicked stepmother has been carried through for centuries through fables, movies and television. I’m trying to help dispel the wicked myth.
Q–How is being a stepmother different from being a mother?
A–Not being the actual mother lends itself to great possibilities. A stepmother can be a mentor, a facilitator. Because she’s more of a neutral figure, she can be all the things your mother cannot be. She can be someone you look up to in times of need, the one you want to talk to about your parents.
Q–Because there’s some distance?
A–Yes. If the stepdaughter is having problems with her father, here’s this stepmother to go to, someone who understands Dad more than anybody but isn’t necessarily going to go tell him.
Q–An ally?
A–I’ve always looked at my stepmother that way. She’s been such a dear friend and a role model. She comes to me about my dad as much as I go to her. With my family, we’re very fortunate because we started out on the right foot, so when the negative stereotype entered our relationship, we were able to laugh it off.
Q–What about more hostile situations? What could help?
A–It’s very important for the biological parents to sit down with their children and talk about guidelines prior to stepparents coming into the relationship. A lot of times, depending on the history of the marriage that’s breaking up, parents are still thinking about themselves, and the children are not the priority. As soon as they can get their attention off themselves and on the children, the kids feel more secure. Children who have a voice are less likely to become aggressive out of fear that they’re losing something. And if they see that the common thread is love, things start to work differently. That’s how a positive outcome can be achieved.
Q–So, don’t push it? Let things unfold gradually?
A–“I love her, so you love her, too” doesn’t work. You can’t force love on anybody. It doesn’t happen instantaneously just because you want it to. My father incorporated my stepmother into my life very slowly, until he saw that I wanted to see her almost more than he did –“Where’s Linda?” He set boundaries and guidelines. My visits with him were a priority, and my stepmother (before she was my stepmother) could come along if it was OK with me. It was never thrust on me, and that really helped.
Q–It sounds as if it went as well as things could go.
A–I feel very blessed. My parents had an amicable divorce when I was 2. My mother remarried when I was 7; my father remarried when I was 11, and he had courted my stepmother for about four years. I give a lot of credit for the initial tone of my step-relationship to my mother, who allowed me to get close to my stepmother without putting her fears first.
Q–She was openhearted?
A–She showed me at a very young age a harmonious way to go about things.
Q–Did you learn anything that surprised you, interviewing stepmothers?
A–The women had one common thread, and that was their need to be appreciated, to be acknowledged, to be heard. I didn’t know so many women out there were carrying such resentment. People were very honest with me. For people who are trying hard every day to make something work, the words “wicked stepmother” are painful. I wanted to honor them by writing down how they felt. And I want to say, “Don’t give up.”
