I moved to this area four years ago, and I finally had to write this. I can say that all I ever needed to know about driving, I learned in Chicago, including:
– Always get in the lane that is moving faster. Update this decision every couple of seconds, more often if traffic is bumper-to-bumper.
– On ramps make great passing lanes.
– That tractor-trailer driver probably wanted to test his brakes anyway.
– If a lane is ending ahead, you must pass seven more cars while in it, even if it means pulling out into that lane to do so.
– You can’t possibly eat cereal, read the paper, comb your hair, talk on the phone and type on your laptop while trying to drive. So if a call comes in, by all means put down the cereal bowl.
-If they can avoid hitting you, you had the right-of-way. Then slow down to show them you aren’t a reckless driver.
– Car maintenance is for sissies.
– Four-wheel drive lets you go 85 in the snow, but all cars must go 20 under the limit if it rains.
– Chicks think bald tires and dangling mufflers are sexy.
– I bet that tollbooth four lanes over would go quicker.
– Yellow means go faster. Red means go a lot faster. Green means try to tune in a better radio station.
– “Stop” means slow down enough to make sure there’s nobody coming. Well, pretty sure.
– Don’t use your blinkers or they’ll know you plan to cut them off.
– Always come to a complete stop before tossing your trash out the window.
– Slow way down and look at the pretty flashing lights.
