NAME: Neil Chethik
BACKGROUND: Big boys don’t cry. Perhaps that is because men grieve differently. Some take action, others rush through grief, and in spite of the stereotype, some do weep. In his thorough and sensitive new book, “FatherLoss: How Sons of All Ages Come to Terms with the Deaths of Their Dads” (Hyperion, $23.95) journalist, son and father Neil Chethik explores and explains the tender territory of sons of all ages managing the grief of their fathers’ passing.
More than 1.5 million American men lose their fathers each year. Former syndicated newspaper columnist Chethik interviewed more than 70 men of different ages, races and circumstances to come up with original insights and conclusions on the importance of the bond between father and son, after that bond is forever broken. At a time when many claim a national crisis of dad-bashing and deadbeat dads and when a son steps to the White House in the footsteps of his father, the results of the landmark study Chethik commissioned at the University of Kentucky Survey Research Center to include in the book show that 51 percent of sons report they had a very positive relationship with their dads in childhood.
A 1979 graduate of the Medill School of Journalism at Northwestern University, Chethik lives in Lexington, Ky, with his wife, Kelly, and 7-year-old son, Evan.
Q–How does a father’s death affect a son’s emotional and physical health?
A–The biggest factor is the age of the son at the time of the father’s death. In childhood, the death is often a defining event with an impact that can last a lifetime. Young adult men are also often tremendously impacted by the loss. Even middle-aged men–depending on the relationship with their fathers–can become emotionally distraught and even physically affected because of the loss. It’s only in older adulthood, when the son is over 55, it doesn’t have a powerful effect. There is a sense of acceptance at that age.
Q–What are the different styles of male grieving?
A–I identify four different styles. First is men I call “Dashers.” They speed through their mourning. Often they’re substantially through their grief in a couple of weeks or so. Another group is the “Delayers.” These men seem to be through the grief quickly, only later–sometimes years or decades after do they feel the impact of the loss. A third group is the “Displayers.” These are men who cry a lot over the loss or become emotionally overwhelmed. The most common is the fourth, the “Doers.” These men take action and do things as a way of getting it out of their systems. They are sometimes active like chopping wood or running, riding a bicycle.
Q–Does a father’s death affect a daughter differently?
A–This is not an idea I studied. But my opinion is the loss of the same-sex parent has a special impact on the son or daughter. We look to the same-sex parent for acceptance and guidance.
Q–How can the rest of the family–wives especially–help men adjust?
A–First, the most important thing to do is give the man some space and let him grieve in whatever way works for him. Often women will see their husbands not crying or talking about the loss and will say something that judges that way of grieving. They’ll say, “What’s wrong? Why aren’t you crying?” That is not helpful. That feels to most men like an invasion. What men usually want is an invitation, not an invasion. An invitation sounds like this: “If you want to talk about your father at some point, I’d be glad to listen and I wouldn’t have to say anything.” Men want to tell the story, but they don’t want to be anaylzed and probed and judged.”
Q–How can a father prepare his son for his own death?
A–The most important way a father can help is to be close to his son. It may seem that the closer we are to another person, the more difficult the grieving will be. But I find just the opposite. The sons who had the most difficulty and suffered the longest after the death of a father were sons who were still angry at the fathers, unreconciled or estranged.
Q–How can a son prepare?
A–In the reciprocal way. Doing what it takes to say what needs to be said and do what needs to be done before the death. We’ll never be able to grieve in advance of the loss, but we can make the connection with our fathers not only enrich our lives together toward the end, but also leave us without regrets.
Q–Is it ever OK?
A–When a father has been suffering for a long time, many sons told me it was a relief to see their fathers go. One thing that was very poignant was the son being there at the bedside with a father during the last week, days and hours of life. That is an opening for a father and son to say things and to say goodbye.
Q–Are you different as a father than before you wrote the book?
A–Very much. One of the joys of doing this book was getting an opportunity to look behind the veil of the father-and-son relationship. I asked each man I interviewed what his father did that made him feel valued and when his father was at his best. Then I boiled those answers down to one word. That word was affection. Sons want the physical and emotional affection of their fathers. They want their fathers to pay attention and to deeply listen and follow their leads on what to do together. In the past, I wanted my son to do things I wanted to do.
Q–Are you different as a son?
A–I am more open with my father than I was in the past. I recognize we have a limited time together because he is almost 70. I try to make the most of that time. Also my father is a psychotherapist, so often I went to him and talked with him about this book, and it gave us an opportunity to connect in an area where both of us were interested and inspired. We were able to get closer by working together.
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Neil Chethik is luncheon speaker at the conference “Building Community with Men,” 9 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. Saturday, Feb. 17, at the Unitarian Church of Evanston, 1330 Ridge Ave. Tickets are $12, lunch included. Call Dick Michaels, 773-755-4493.
Chethik also delivers a sermon, “FatherLoss: How Men Grieve, How Others Help,” at 11a.m. services, Sunday, Feb. 18, at the Unitarian Church of Evanston. All welcome, free. 847-864-1330.
