NAME: Paula Kasper Brown
BACKGROUND: Brown and fellow psychotherapist Gloria Griseto run workshops on emotional abuse for teenagers and their parents through the Womanhood Counseling Center in Hinsdale (630-455-4655).
Q–What do you talk about in your workshops?
A–We want kids to know that emotional abuse happens to both boys and girls. We tend to think of physical abuse as being the worst kind because we can see it, but physical abuse can heal. Mental abuse, because it’s never seen, goes on and on.
Q–How do you define it?
A–Some signs of being in an abusive relationship are: You feel like you’re on an emotional roller coaster; you feel constantly put down, confused or hurt; you’re always experiencing small shocks in the relationship, wondering if you really heard what you think you heard.
Q–You show teens that that’s unhealthy?
A–An unhealthy relationship is one in which you are not allowed to be your own person, you feel forced to do things, you’re disparaged. We have been brought up, and we have brought our children up, to take criticism with an open mind, and sometimes that’s the worst thing to do. An abusive person criticizes you to control you, not to be constructive.
Q–Are teens more vulnerable to unhealthy relationships than adults?
A–One of the reasons Gloria and I decided to start this program was because a lot of the people we see in our practice are men and women in midlife who are in abusive, long-term marriages. We thought we’d try to head it off at the front by talking to teens.
Q–With older people, it started early in their lives?
A–It starts very early. If you’re in one mentally abusive relationship, even if you break it off, if you haven’t worked through what the abuse was, you’ve just set yourself up to be in another, probably worse relationship, and the cycle continues.
Q–Do boys and girls dish out different kinds of abuse?
A–I think boys are more direct, girls probably more subtle. A teenage boy might say to his girlfriend, “I think you would look better if you were 25 pounds thinner.” Now, unless somebody has a huge weight problem and you’re coming at it from a health standpoint, that’s abusive. Girls might show up at the bowling alley where the boy is having a night out with the guys, might play off another boy in front of the boyfriend.
Q–How can a parent tell if a child is in an unhealthy relationship?
A–One warning sign is if all of a sudden your child alters his appearance–a girl who usually runs around in kicky little short skirts and then one day she’s in baggy pants because her boyfriend doesn’t want other guys looking at her. First, just question it–“Oh, is this the latest fad?” But if they say, “Johnny told me I’d look better in these baggy blue jeans,” start asking about the relationship.
Another warning sign is your child becoming isolated. Do you have a son who was a jock and had guy friends over to the house all the time and suddenly he’s spending all his time with one girl? This eventually happens, but usually not till your 20s. Not when you’re 15 or 16. So I tell parents to question it. Ask, “What happened to the group?”
Q–Do kids listen?
A–You have to make sure you constantly have some line of communication open. Adolescence is very, very difficult for parents to penetrate. You have to be tenacious. That’s sort of what your teen wants you to do. It’s like when they’re infants and they keep crawling farther away, but they always look back to see if Mom’s in the chair.
Q–That urge for a boyfriend or girlfriend is so strong; kids will sacrifice anything for it.
A–They want to present themselves to the world as a couple. A lot of children do not feel a part of their family, so when they find someone who acts possessively toward them, that hooks them in. And if you’re a teen who is questioning your worth, that’s all you need.
Q–What can a parent do to help?
A–I always tell them, if your kid has any kind of interest, I don’t care how bizarre it is, nurture that interest. Get them involved in other things at school.
Q–To give them something else to think about?
A–Yes, but also it’s much better to study people in a group than it is on a one-to-one basis. Present it as: If you want a boyfriend, have different interactions with people in a group and see who you are most comfortable with.
Q–What else?
A–Ask your kids: Can you ever imagine talking like your partner talks? Is it easy for you to imagine your partner talking like you? Does each of you show good will in an effort to understand the other one? Do you trust one another? Is there any ordering or blaming going on?
Q–You encourage kids to set boundaries?
A–Boundaries are for self-preservation. The way you dress is a boundary. The way you walk and carry yourself. How you talk and act, how you present yourself. Boundaries are our signage, saying what we’ll let people do to us.
Q–What keeps people in unhealthy relationships?
A–The biggest thing is not realizing you’re in one. Society has desensitized us to mental and emotional abuse.
Q–We think, “This is what life feels like”?
A–A lot of teens see their parents act in a disrespectful way.
Q–You tell them there really are healthy relationships out there?
A–Yes, but it doesn’t mean they’re easy to find. We’re a fast-food society; we expect everything to be fast. Kids say, “All these people are my friends.” And you say, “What is your definition of a friend?” They’re talking about acquaintances. If you can find a true friend, and it’s a person of the opposite sex, that is the person you probably should spend your life with. Because trust and respect are the two things that you need.
