NAME: Charlene C. Giannetti
BACKGROUND: In “Cliques–8 Steps to Help Your Child Survive the Social Jungle” (Broadway Books, $14), Charlene C. Giannetti and Margaret Sagarese discuss the climate of cruelty that can spring up among adolescents who form alliances based on social power rather than true friendship. The two previously co-authored “Parenting 911” and “The Roller-Coaster Years,” and they host chats on ivillage.com’s Parent Soup. Giannetti recently talked about issues raised in the book.
Q–How is a clique different from just a group of friends?
A–What sets it apart is that one of its purposes is to exclude other children.
Q–When do cliques start forming?
A–They are really in full force during the middle-school years. And that’s when they can be most hurtful, because fitting in is so important to a young adolescent.
Q–Do kids use the word “clique”?
A–Not usually, but they’re very aware of the groups. They have names for them: the Preps, the Jocks, the Geeks. Parents can talk to their children about the whole nature of cliques and why kids are excluded and what you can do to make yourself less of a target, to find some friends. Try to help the child understand that he doesn’t have to be part of the most popular clique to be happy, because in fact, most of the kids in the popular clique are just as unhappy as the other kids.
Q–Because they’ve got something to maintain?
A–There is a lot of jockeying for position in the popular clique and pressure on those kids to stay popular. Some kids can handle it; others can’t. But research has shown that the kids who are actually the happiest are those in the middle group, not the most popular kids and their wannabes and not the most extreme loners. Kids in the middle can move around more freely, and there isn’t all that talk about who’s on top and who isn’t.
Q–Less pigeonholing?
A–One of the unfortunate things about cliques is that their rules about who’s in, who’s cool and who’s not are made by 5th graders. Children get categorized and spend the rest of their middle-school years trying to work their way out of those categories. Parents should talk to their child about how you aren’t just a jock or aren’t just one of the smarter kids in the classroom. There are many other facets to your personality.
Q–How do parents know if cliques are a problem for their child?
A–I think every parent needs to be concerned. Even the kids standing on the sidelines are affected. They may feel guilty because they don’t come to the aid of a classmate who is teased. They can feel ashamed or depressed.
Q–So, talk to your kids about it?
A–Ask, “Hey, what’s going on in your class? Who are your friends? Are there different groups? Who do you sit with at lunchtime?” Drawing a diagram of the cafeteria is a great way to get the child talking about that. You can ask, “Do the kids move freely between groups? Could someone from this table pick up her lunch tray and go sit at this table? Why or why not?”
Be a fly on the wall when your son or daughter has children over. Eavesdrop while you’re passing out the soda and chips or driving to soccer practice. Kids will talk about who’s being picked on, who’s not being included. You can also talk to the teachers. Many middle-school teachers are proactive in getting the kids mixed together more, not allowing them to sit in their cliques during class time.
Talk to other parents. Go to sporting events and watch the interactions not only on the field but also afterward, when the team goes out for pizza. Is everyone included? Or are some children sitting by themselves?
Q–How can a parent help a victimized kid?
A–You have to look at your child objectively, and if there are suggestions you can gently make, do it. What are the other kids in the class wearing? You don’t have to spend a lot of money, but sometimes just buying a new pair of jeans or sneakers may give your child self-confidence that she’s not such an outcast. Watch hygiene. Kids at this age are so conscious of their body odors, and they become very aware of other kids’ body odors. A lot of kids may forget to use deodorant or brush their teeth or change their socks, so make sure your child is attending to those things, because they can be the reasons a child is picked on.
Q–What about helping him succeed in another arena?
A–Maybe there’s a town soccer team where he could meet kids from other schools, or something at your church or local Y. There might be kids he’s met at camp who live in the area but don’t go to his school.
Q–And keep the conversation going?
A–Educating your child is so important. Many young adolescents don’t understand that cliques and the problems that come along with friendship have existed for a long time. Share stories from your own childhood. Select TV shows where these themes might be talked about. Watching a movie with your child can be a jumping-off point for a discussion about how unfair it is to judge people by their appearances.
Q–Help them learn to go after true friendship?
A–It’s important that we model good friendships for our children. Show them that friends really care about each other, don’t backstab, are there when somebody needs a helping hand. Show them you can have lots of different kinds of friends and get something valuable from every relationship. The friends kids make now are important, but even more important is that they develop friendship skills that will serve them throughout life.
