Sunday is an encouraging day each week in the Melling household.
“We weigh ourselves on Sundays,” said Diane Melling, 58, who lives with husband Roger in an Orland Park townhouse. “Roger has lost 55 pounds since last May, and I have lost 25.”
Roger Melling was supremely motivated to lose weight. He suffered a heart attack in May 2000 and required surgery to open two blocked arteries. After the operation, he promptly signed up for the Dr. Dean Ornish Program for Reversing Heart Disease at St. Francis Hospital in Blue Island.
“I have a new spin on my priorities,” said Melling, 59. “I am much more in tune with my body.”
Not everyone is so highly motivated to reverse negative personal trends such as gaining weight or becoming sedentary. Just ask anybody who is making positive health changes about the inclination to do the same among loved ones. It is frequently a challenge for the committed health enthusiast to similarly inspire spouses, family members, friends or other loved ones. Getting someone to cut back on favorite foods, exercise more or watch less TV is no easy task. It is more like an invitation to argue.
“Most research is about helping people who want to change,” said James Maddux, a psychology researcher at George Mason University in Fairfax, Va., and spokesman for the American Psychological Association. “That’s hard enough. There is not much research about how to convince someone to get his or her fanny off the couch if it’s not the person’s idea. There are certainly the dangers of getting someone angry at you, hurting their feelings or otherwise damaging the relationship.”
Self-righteousness is not recommended, according to Maddux.
“Most people resist being told they are wrong,” he explained. “The best starting approach is to be a positive role model. Make the changes yourself and avoid nagging the other person.”
Jeffrey Tullis understands the advice.
“I’ve always been motivated to work out since I stopped swimming competitively,” said Tullis, 29, an attorney in Naperville. “The weather really affects Jennifer [his wife]. She is less inclined to go for a walk or bike ride if the weather is dreary or the path is not accessible.”
The Tullises joined two health clubs during their first year of marriage to make exercise more accessible. That didn’t work nearly as well as moving to a new home that has a hiking and biking trail practically in its back yard. These days Tullis arrives home from work, dons his sweat clothes and goes for a mile-out, mile-back run without his wife. Then he asks Jennifer to join him for a walk or bike ride.
“If we walk, her workout pace is a good cool-down for me,” Tullis said. “If she rides her bike, I put on my [in-line] skates so we match paces.”
Roger Melling was fortunate that wife Diane attended an Ornish orientation session. She left the session, thinking to herself, “Why should he be the only one to take advantage of the health benefits of the program?”
Few spouses so actively support a partner’s decision to improve health habits, even after a heart attack.
“The significant other plays a major role in improving nutrition and losing weight,” said Christine Palumbo, a Naperville-based registered dietitian. “The best intentions can be sabotaged. The other spouse may not even realize, but he or she can be jealous.”
Palumbo said she sees it regularly in her nutrition-consulting practice: One spouse, often the woman, wants to lose weight. The partner, typically the husband, doesn’t like the idea of changing his eating habits. One poll of 200 doctors indicated more than 90 percent of the physicians reported that sabotage by the other spouse is common in marriage in which one person is trying to lose weight.
The Mellings benefited from two primary factors. Roger was literally scared to death not to change, and Diane found reasons to follow the program herself.
“One thing I see in success stories is when the significant other can learn some things, too, and recognize benefits for themselves,” said Steve Tovian, director of health psychology for Evanston Northwestern Health Care. “No matter how fit you are, you can always learn something.”
Making fitness mutual
Like the Tullises, couples can use fitness goals as an opportunity to develop new interests and plan activities together, Tovian said. Starting an exercise-walking program is a terrific entry point; so is attending a cooking class or doing a beginner’s yoga video in the comfort of your TV room.
It certainly beats the alternative of patronizing your candidate-for-fitness partner. There are few bigger turnoffs than the health convert who preaches to others. Better to be supportive when there is even an inkling of movement on the other person’s part.
“One of the problems with healthy lifestyle changes is the results can take six months to a year,” Maddux said. “The difficulty and work come now. What you can do is help a person note the small effects along the way. For example, working out means you might be less winded running for a bus. A smoker might lose the morning coughing fits that drive the spouse crazy.”
Tovian said that avoiding negative comments is Rule No. 1.
“Don’t expect perfection,” he said. “Be realistic. It takes effort and skills to overcome poor health habits. There can be significant biological forces at work, especially with weight loss and smoking cessation.”
Most important, Tovian said, is to remember that slips or lapses are expected as a person changes health habits. Studies show it takes at least 21 days to adopt a new habit and as long as six months to shake an old habit.
“I like to remind people that `A lapse is not a relapse is not a collapse,'” Tovian added.
A key ingredient for health changes is “self-efficacy,” according to Maddux. It is the belief you can do what you set out to accomplish.
People with a high self-efficacy will be “task-diagnostic,” Maddux said. They will respond by saying, “What is not working here and what do I need to do in order to succeed?”
Individuals with low self-efficacy will be harder on themselves and more despondent about their inabilities. They are “self-diagnostic,” Maddux said. These people ask, “What is wrong with me?”
Fortunately, health psychologists contend that self-efficacy is not a personality trait but can be learned in each situation. If you are hoping to encourage a loved one, an effective strategy is guiding someone toward a task-diagnostic mode and away from self-blame.
“The prime example is how we view a relapse,” Maddux explained. “Say someone goes to a party, drinks a little too much and eats all the wrong foods after several weeks of cutting back on alcohol and eating right. Either you see it as a sign that all the effort went for naught [self-diagnostic] or look at the situation, realize friends weren’t supportive, conditions were too tempting, and maybe you need to control your behavior or adjust your social circle [task-diagnostic].”
Take meals a little easier
Another source of support is making meal time a slower experience. Research clearly shows a high correlation between people who are overweight and eat fast.
It’s also a good strategy to identify each other’s fitness strengths and weaknesses. Though Jeffrey Tullis is the workout leader in his marriage, Jennifer Tullis is by far the innovator at the dinner table.
“She wants us to eat more fruits and vegetables, no preservatives and less meat,” Jeffrey Tullis said. “I’m having a hard time getting used to it, but I see the value.”
Teri O’Brien is a LaGrange-based personal trainer and author of the new book “Desperation Fitness: 101 Optimum Performance Strategies for the Time-Challenged” (1stBooks Library, $10.95). She advises fitness enthusiasts to “see yourself as a Sherpa” when hoping to win over and influence loved ones. The idea is to be in service to the other person, while still providing a gentle guiding hand.
“You can’t get up the mountain for someone,” O’Brien said. “But you can take a deeper view of the mission and help the person achieve more than he or she thought possible.”
When the significant other becomes a significant bother
Some fitness plans are a matter of navigating the path of most resistance.
“My husband makes it hard on me,” said Robyn Rezny, a 26-year-old office manager for a Naperville chiropractic practice who lost 10 pounds in her first three weeks of working with a nutritionist. “He likes to eat junk food and fast food. He is constantly trying to tempt me.”
Rezny created her own support by hiring Christine Palumbo, a Naperville-based registered dietitian. She sees Palumbo every other week for ideas and encouragement.
“Robyn will succeed because she is determined,” Palumbo said. “It is important to get goals firmly in mind and be specific. For example, we decided Robyn would eat a healthy breakfast [most often whole-grain cereal and fruit] rather than grab a fast-food morning meal on the way to work.”
Nutritious breakfast cereal or not, Rezny is going against the grain in terms of losing weight. Palumbo and other nutritionists recognize that the significant other can play a major role in weight control. Studies during the last 20 years consistently show women lose pounds more successfully when husbands participate in the diets.
On the other hand, studies indicate women gain weight after getting married. One survey pegs average weight gain at 25 pounds in 13 years. Unhappy wives gained an average of 42 pounds during the same marriage time span.
One reason is an unfair but salient fact: Men can consume 12 calories per day for every pound of body weight compared with 11 calories for women.
Eating the same portion sizes for dinner means something’s got to give. It can add up to 5 to 10 extra pounds in a year, maybe more if the husband outweighs his wife by more than 50 pounds.
Plus, men and women typically have different reasons for weight loss.
“Men focus on the performance aspect, whether it is mental or physical,” Palumbo said. “Women know losing weight improves health but do it because they want to look good.”
Rezny’s 36-year-old husband, John, refuses to eat a regular breakfast or add more vegetables to his meals.
“He won’t do anything right now” about his eating habits despite being overweight, Rezny said.
She was first inspired to lose weight when she started working in the Inner Light chiropractic office.
She found additional support in a more unexpected place. When she phoned her parents about her dietary changes, they decided to visit a nutritionist themselves.
Rezny’s parents started their own healthy-eating plan. It could be a boon for daughter, mother and father.
Research shows women who sign up for weight-loss programs with three relatives or friends are 35 percent more likely to drop pounds than going solo.
