On a bitterly cold Tuesday evening last February, 60 women converged on Le Passage, a swanky Rush Street eatery that was closed to the public that evening. They came alone or in pairs, dressed to kill despite the weather, in elegant ensembles that ranged from slinky cocktail dresses to chic little suits. They all seemed to exude anticipatory moods; something fun was afoot and they were clearly part of it.
What lured these women out to dine in style without spouses, partners or dates? “The pleasure of each other’s company,” says Linda Coleman, a Chicago wife, mother and businesswoman who was the group’s hostess for the evening. These were Coleman’s girlfriends, and she had invited them to a “ladies’ night out” of her own making.
They came from every arena of her life–friends from the East Coast from her school days; the female halves of couples she and her husband socialize with; women who have children the same age as hers; and business associates she knows as the owner of Portfolio, a Chicago design and architectural matchmaking service. She brought them together that night because “I love them, I don’t get to see them that often, I wanted everybody to have a great time and I wanted everyone to finally meet each other. A lot of my friends have heard about each other for years, but they’ve never met face-to-face.”
She chose to entertain them in a restaurant rather than her home because this particular venue was perfect for her needs: close to home, gastronomically acclaimed, beautifully decorated and intimate. “It was like entertaining in my own home on a larger scale, but I didn’t have to worry about cleaning up afterwards,” says Coleman.
The women were greeted with cocktails and hors d’oeuvres when they arrived, followed by a sumptuous sit-down dinner at tables that Coleman had arranged in groups of 8 or 10. Many already knew one another and many were unacquainted, but the buzz in the room never ebbed. When closing rolled around at 1 a.m., 15 women were still gabbing away with wine glasses in hand.
This wasn’t Coleman’s first girlfriend get-together, but it was by far her most ambitious. Over the past few years, she has held teas and cocktail parties on a smaller scale at home. And she’s not alone. More and more women are reaching out to their female friends these days.
Eileen Murphy, a Chicago obstetrician-gynecologist, started inviting friends to her home on a monthly basis about seven years ago to eat, drink and, most important, chat up a storm. Everyone would contribute food and drink, and it eventually became a regular group that would rotate among all their residences. “We’d share war stories, laugh, get bawdy and eat some good food,” she says, which they still do, though less regularly than before.
Humor aside, Murphy started the group for serious reasons. “We all worked and had kids who were just starting to emerge from the toddler stage, so the notion of free time was in its embryonic stages for most of us. But we needed to touch base, connect, provide support and keep in touch with each other,” she says. “And we wanted to talk about things, from what was going on in our lives to interests like theater and politics.”
Indeed, “getting enough time with girlfriends has always been a problem when you have kids and a career,” admits Chicago architect Claudia Skylar. She used to hold potluck dinners once a month to be able to catch up with girlfriends she could no longer see otherwise, but when she and her husband, architect Jim Mastro, decided to sell their house and rehab a loft three years ago, she had to put the potlucks on hold for a while. Now she’s trying to find the time to go to the monthly “girls’ nights out” organized by her close friend, Chicago landscape architect Maria Smithburg.
Smithburg started her monthly girlfriend get-togethers about two years ago, when she realized “life’s so short and we hardly get to see each other.” Rather than going out with one friend alone, she decided to optimize her time by seeing four or five women all at once.
“It’s not a set group; it’s always in flux. But essentially, we’re from all walks of life and bring something different to the table, so our discussions are always interesting and fun,” says Smithburg. The only givens are that they keep the group small so everyone can really talk, and they dine out so no one has to work that evening.
But why are women seeking out each other at this particular time? They have been leading hectic lives for decades, yet they seem more intent on reconnecting with each other right now.
Ann Clurman, a New York-based partner in the Chapel Hill, N.C., research firm Yankelovich Partners, says, “I’m not surprised. In our annual study on social change for the ‘Yankelovich Monitor,’ we’ve been picking up feelings of isolation on the part of many people right now, not just women. There’s a need to connect, find kindred spirits and act on it.”
Also, “women are trying to remain connected to the friends they have made over the years because they don’t have time for new friends,” adds Clurman. “So they’re cultivating and cherishing the ones they already have.”
Psychologically speaking, women have historically had an ingrained need to “bond and affiliate,” notes Chicago clinical psychologist Judy Wilen. “In the family unit, they’ve traditionally taken on the role of kin-keepers, who hold the generations together and make sure people connect and bond with each other. So it makes sense that as families become more geographically dispersed, and everyone becomes busier, the kin-keeping role would develop into one of peer support, with women fostering deeper relationships with other women in their lives.”
Of course, when women get together in a social sense, it usually becomes a form of entertainment. But it also becomes a very meaningful “source of support,” Wilen points out. All the talk has deeper meaning: “They’re helping each other navigate the way through their complex worlds with everything from families to careers to leisure time to deal with.”
Or to put it more candidly, “It’s how we get the emotional sustenance, validation and reinforcement that we don’t get from men, no matter how good our relationships with them are,” says Susan Victoria, a stylist and story producer for national magazines such as Home, Bon Appetit and Gourmet. She splits her time between New York and Chicago, and sees more and more of her friends and business acquaintances entertaining for each other in both cities.
“I find it especially useful because when you socialize with your girlfriends, you can discuss anything and don’t have to feel guilty about it,” says Victoria. “No one judges you about the things you leave undone, the choices you’ve made and the pleasures you’ve chosen–like going to yoga class instead of cooking dinner or splurging on a pair of shoes. You don’t have to explain those things to other women–they get it.”
Also, recent studies show that women who keep up social contacts have better overall mental health and physical agility than those who don’t, says Wilen.
This process is especially meaningful in frightening times, she adds. “Sept. 11 drives home that relationships and people are really what’s important and that’s what you should cherish and embrace. Doing things that foster that sense of community is what keeps people vibrant and connected.”
But bottom line, the trend of girlfriends’ entertaining each other “isn’t about bashing males or discussing books, it’s about celebrating friendships, relationships and giving each other emotional support,” concludes Clurman.
Which is precisely why Skylar, who is almost done rehabbing her new loft and ready to join the real world again, suggested that each and every woman in this article come to lunch at her new place.
“I made a huge pot of chili a few weeks ago, and tried to get my girlfriends together for a Friday lunch on 24 hours’ notice. No one could make it. We all take time out to be with each other so rarely that we have to figure out new ways to do it,” she says.
Chili, anyone?
