For Mike Van Volkenburg, being a man means being able to make a good living.
His mother had to support the family as a bookkeeper, and he was determined to be more successful than his father and stepfather.
And he was, for most of his life. But in 1999, he was laid off from the company where he had worked for 25 years when the Crown Cork & Seal can-printing plant in Plymouth, Fla., shut down.
It was a major blow, emotionally and financially. Van Volkenburg had been earning more than $36,000. He now makes less than $18,000 as a blueprinter at Triangle Reprographics in Orlando.
His wife, Carol Sparks, earns about $45,000 overseeing compliance to health-insurance regulations for Horizon Behavioral Services in Lake Mary.
“I have feelings of inadequacy,” said Van Volkenburg, 54.
For him, as for most people, money isn’t just dollars and cents. It can symbolize freedom, security, power, love and a host of other emotions.
When earning power becomes unbalanced in a relationship, as it has for Van Volkenburg and Sparks, 47, the relationship issues get even more complicated.
“There are official expectations and unofficial expectations,” says Michael Freeny, a psychotherapist in Longwood, Fla.. “It’s the unofficial expectations that get everybody in trouble. As modern as we think we are, as liberated and enlightened and empowered and all that kind of stuff, when someone gets married, all these old traditions begin lurking beneath the surface. There’s this kind of an Ozzie and Harriet mentality that the man’s going to be the provider. Even if they agree that doesn’t have to be the case, there’s this gosh-darn undercurrent that keeps swirling around.”
The type of family in which the man works and the wife stays home has been in the minority for years. Since 1966, the percentage of wives in the labor force has risen to 62 percent from 35 percent. Among today’s two-career couples, men still earn more than women the vast majority of the time. But that’s changing.
In 30 percent of married couples where both partners work full time, the wife earns more. That’s up from 26 percent a decade ago. Even when you include women who work only part time, nearly one-fourth of wives have fatter paychecks than their husbands.
The numbers are a sign that women’s career options are expanding continually. The problem is, a lot of men still haven’t gotten the message. “I’ve had some husbands say, `Hey, I wish she would make more–then I could work less and stay home,'” said Jacquelyn Olander, a psychologist in Winter Park, Fla. “Other times they joke about it, and you can tell there’s a bit of insecurity there, a bit of nervousness. If the man feels self-assured and comfortable with himself, it shouldn’t be an issue.”
For Kevin Nichols, it isn’t.
“A lot of guys are like, `No woman is going to make more than me,'” says Nichols, 31, who is between jobs now but who typically earns half what his wife does. “I’m glad. I tell these guys, `Get over it.'”
Nichols’ wife, DeDe, 33, is a supervisor at the Moore Stephens Lovelace accounting firm in Winter Park. Kevin is happy to handle the domestic front when DeDe gets busy at work. “I don’t mind cooking,” he says, “and she doesn’t mind coming home to a nice cooked meal.”
Beneath this placid scenario, though, there is tension that points to a lingering discomfort with reversed gender roles.
Since he graduated from college with a degree in liberal studies, Kevin has hopped from one low-paying job to another: bank teller, radio programming director, backstage helper at Universal Studios, data-operations worker for a distributor.
His career indecision exasperates his wife, who has worked for accounting firms since she was 17 years old.
“It blows my mind,” she says, then mimics an exchange she and her husband frequently have: “`If you could do anything in the world, what would it be?’ `I don’t know.'”
She rolls her eyes.
Barbara Kramer is familiar with that exasperation.
Married in 1964, she and her husband, Terry, had a conventional relationship at first. Barbara dropped out of college to raise their three children. She volunteered at their preschool and later opened a collectible-doll shop just for fun, while Terry earned a good living in sales and marketing.
Things turned upside-down in the mid-1980s, soon after Barbara had started a job as a secretary for an insurance company. The kids were 8 to 14. One day, Terry, unhappy with work amid the turmoil of phone-industry deregulation, quit his job–without consulting Barbara.
Several stressful years followed as Terry launched and ran two not-so-successful businesses out of their home and Barbara focused on her career. He was Mr. Mom, and she went back to school to earn her degree. She was promoted several times at the insurance company, until she was bringing home six figures as vice president of human resources.
“We lived the good life there for a few years,” she says.
But Barbara resented having to support the family.
“I came from the era when you were supposed to get married and be taken care of for the rest of your life,” says Barbara, 57.
She got on Terry’s case often, accusing him of watching too much TV and asking when he was going to get a “real” job.
Terry, 58, nods as he listens to his wife talk about those years. Like Kevin Nichols, Terry is nonchalant about his wife having more career success.
“Maybe I’m unusual,” Terry says. “The old macho image where the man is supposed to be the breadwinner? I never had that.”
“But I did,” Barbara interjects. “I had that image. I’ll be honest–I resented it.”
Things evened out after Barbara’s company went out of business in 1998, and she and Terry moved to Orlando to live near their son. Because the job market is so much worse, Barbara now earns only $32,000 as human-resources director at St. Luke’s United Methodist Church. That’s still about $5,000 more than Terry earns at his two part-time jobs, corporate trainer and clothing salesman.
The Kramers are happy with what they make. Their children are grown and they have fewer expenses. Barbara has even turned down a slightly higher-paying offer because she likes the church so much. But even with their salaries more equal, after all those years of Barbara’s supporting the family, the power has subtly, gradually shifted to her.
For the Kramers, money is intertwined with power.
For Van Volkenburg, who was laid off in 1999, money symbolizes security.
When Van Volkenburg and Sparks married in 1986, he was making about $5,000 a year more than his wife. But the salary gap slowly narrowed as Sparks’ raises outpaced his. Sparks doesn’t remember when she started earning more money.
“We didn’t really keep track,” she said.
“It was ’97,” Van Volkenburg said immediately.
“Aha!” said Sparks. “You remember.”
Although Van Volkenburg is working full time now, Sparks took over the family finances earlier this year.
“She is much more conscientious,” Van Volkenburg said.
“The relationship is the same emotionally as it’s always been,” Sparks said. “It’s just that the management structure has shifted a little.”
