Memorandum:
To: All Justice Department employees
From: Head of personnel
Re: Operation Blush
As you are no doubt aware, two blue curtains have been installed in the Great Hall. In deference to the conservative values of our boss, the $8,650 curtains will be used to cover the bare-breasted statue of Lady Justice and her male counterpart, the Majesty of Law, during John Ashcroft’s nearby press conferences.
As you may not be aware, the curtains are the first step in Operation Blush, the department’s ongoing plan to be sensitive to the views of the attorney general. Effective immediately, all female employees of the department will be required to wear modest dress which means ankle-length garments of one’s choice. Female employees who have direct contact with Mr. Ashcroft must also cover their heads with a red, white and blue “freedom kerchief.”
Employees at the visitors’ entrance should take note of the new non-Justice personnel clothing policy. Female guests will be required to don government-issue, floor-length, one size fits all “freedom robes” when visiting the attorney general. A list of specially designated visitors (including Britney Spears, Jennifer Lopez and Madonna) has been prepared indicating who must also wear the special “stars and stripes” face covering.
Starting next week, cafeteria employees must ensure that all food displays exhibit appropriate modesty. Chicken breasts, legs and thighs must be fully covered and the weekly Thursday rump roast special is canceled until further notice. Dishes with French names (vichyssoise, coquille St. Jacques, boeuf bourguignon ) have been removed from the menu in view of their inadvertent sexual sound.
Finally, we regret to announce that the annual Presidents Day Dance will be canceled for the foreseeable future. The policy will be re-visited no earlier than Nov. 3, 2004.
