We live in a world where young girls look at Courteney Cox Arquette, Calista Flockhart, Lara Flynn Boyle, Jennifer Aniston, Britney Spears, etc. and think that’s what they have to look like if they want to have friends and boyfriends and lead an exciting, satisfying life. That’s why it’s so refreshing to meet Jessie.
Don’t bother calling Jessie pudgy, pleasingly plump, portly, chubby, zaftig, generously proportioned, full-sized, stout, large or Reubenesque. She prefers to be called fat.
“I’ve been fat all my life,” she says. “I was on dozens of diets, including fasting for weeks at a time, through my 20s. I always gained more weight after each diet, as do most people. Sometime around age 30, I learned of the size-acceptance movement, and I started exploring the idea that maybe being fat wasn’t so horrible, and that maybe those who thought it was were wrong.
Looking beyond the mirror
“I started learning to love myself, and learning to look beyond what I saw in the mirror and eventually, learning to like what I saw in the mirror. I learned new skills, found new interests, spent time discovering who I am and who I could be. And I continue on that journey.
“I readily acknowledge, without shame or apology, that I’m fat, but that doesn’t define me. I am fully alive, and believe that is my most important `characteristic.’ Beyond that, fat is no more significant than red hair as a descriptor. It’s what I look like, but not who I am. I am fascinated by life. I can’t wait to learn, to be challenged, to discover. There is joy everywhere. Even though there is ample grief and torment in the world, there is still joy. It is there, and there is enough for everyone. We can all win.
“We don’t have to fit in a narrow definition of acceptable (thin enough, tall enough, rich enough, popular enough, etc.) to be alive. We only have to decide that we deserve a great life and go after it, do something every day that moves us in that direction, and honor our possibilities. We have to understand that it’s not magic, and not ordained by the shape of our bodies.”
We can all acknowledge that Jessie has a wonderful, positive attitude about life. Now, what about her love life? Has she found any men who are as accepting of her weight as she is? Or are they all looking for thin, petite, model-like, slim, slender, lean, trim, willowy and well-proportioned?
When she was 20, Jessie married a college classmate and they were married for 19 years. Their divorce was amicable. She didn’t date for a year afterward, then she discovered the personal ads. She described herself as a BBW (Big, Beautiful Woman) and included a full-length photo of herself in normal clothes, not lingerie, not a glamor shot. She listed the qualities she was looking for in a man and she had plenty of responses.
“Most of them were one-time dates, and I found that many men think fat women are desperate for companionship and therefore easy. Fortunately, I figured that out quickly and re-tooled my ads to weed out those men. I met some fine guys through ads, but no one really clicked in 18 months.”
Prayers answered
Then she got a response from Cameron. He told her he had been praying to find her, that he knew by her face that she would be kind and smart.
Neither Jessie nor Cameron was interested in a long e-mail correspondence, and they decided to meet right away.
“Our first date lasted 12 hours, and I thought we’d never stop talking and smiling. He told me he knew right away that I was the one and I believed him. He had qualities I hadn’t even listed in the ad, thinking it was insane to be so specific in my wish list.
A wonderful gift
“That was 2 1/2 years ago. Cameron proposed on Christmas morning this year, and I said yes. But that’s not the end of the story, or the happily ever after. His presence in my life is a wonderful gift, but I know that he found me because I’d worked so hard not to need him; not to seek happiness and validation from outside myself, but to enjoy my life and enjoy myself, in the truest sense.
“I honestly believe that when we work at learning to both enjoy and respect ourselves and find ways to be useful, active and alive in the world, the world invites us in. And what a party it is!”
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What did a baby (children) do to your relationship? Send your tale, along with your relationship questions, to Cheryl Lavin, Tales from the Front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611 or e-mail cheryllavin@aol.com. All names are changed. Letters cannot be considered without name, address and day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column. Read Tales from the Front every Sunday in Arts & Entertainment and Tuesday and Thursday in Tempo.
