At 15, Stephanie was running with the wrong crowd and growing estranged from her family. By the time she met 21-year-old Tony, she was ready for someone who wanted to pay attention only to her. When her mother kicked her out of the house, she ran into his waiting arms.
“It was a dream at first,” she said of the first few weeks she and Tony lived together in his mother’s basement. “Then he showed signs of controlling.”
First, he just drove her to class at Oak Park-River Forest High School and picked her up. Then, he decided what she would wear and whom she could see. Later, when he left the house, he would padlock her into the dingy basement where they lived.
He hit her the first time for asking whether she could see her friends. From there, the violence escalated. Sexual abuse. Emotional abuse. Beatings so severe that she would black out. She skipped class to tend her wounds and nearly was kicked out of school for truancy. But she never told anyone what was happening.
Finally, she confided in a school counselor who helped her get away from Tony and return to her mother’s house. Today, at 21, Stephanie is married, the mother of a 2-year-old and a successful college student who is “trying to move on.”
Stephanie, who asked that her last name not be used, told her story in public for the first time recently at a community forum on teen dating violence held at Dominican University. The seminar, sponsored by Sarah’s Inn, a domestic violence agency based in Oak Park, attracted about 100 parents and teens, mostly mothers and their daughters. About half of the partici-pants–most of them from the suburbs of Oak Park and River Forest–said they know someone who is currently in an abusive relationship.
Hillary Holzer, 15, a student at the all-girls Trinity High School in River Forest, was attracted to the program by the promise of free pizza and raffle prizes. But she learned something too. “I learned that there are places you can find help, like Sarah’s Inn and the counselors at school.” And, she learned that it’s OK not to keep some secrets.
If a friend was a victim, Holzer said, she now knows that telling an adult–she would tell her mom, Tammy Daugherty-Holzer–is the right thing to do, even if the friend made her promise not to tell.
That’s an important message for teens to hear, pressured as they are to be loyal to one another, said John Williams, executive director of Oak Park Township Youth Services. “I have worked with adults who couldn’t come forward because of the pressure to keep people’s secrets. [But] there’s a difference between being loyal and being taken hostage by someone’s secret.”
He urged the teens in the audience to seek an adult who can help. And, he said, if the first adult doesn’t help, tell another. And another. Until you find someone who can.
Daugherty-Holzer, who joined her daughter at the forum, said she was surprised to learn how prevalent teen dating violence is–by one estimate, one in three girls will be emotionally, physically or sexually abused by a boyfriend before age 26. And she learned that a teen who exudes self-confidence isn’t necessarily exempt from victimization.
Marizaida Sanchez-Cesareo, youth initiative coordinator for the Illinois Center for Violence Prevention, said that part of the reason teen dating violence is so prevalent is that teens have so little dating experience. “It’s normal to be flattered initially” when someone focuses that much attention on you, she said. By the time it’s clear there is something terribly wrong with the relationship, it may be too late.
“When you’re older, you have something to compare it against,” Sanchez-Cesareo said.
For example, she said, you learn that good partners are predictable. Yes, they get angry, but you know what will tick them off–in much the same way you know which buttons to push with your sister. In abusive relationships, you never know what might trigger violence.
An impassioned Richard Scott III, director of the Cook County Office of Violence Prevention Coordination, looked over the crowd that included only a handful of men and declared: “We’ve got to talk to our sons. Young men in our society have a lot of reasons not to be sensitive.”
But Holzer said she wasn’t surprised to see only a handful of boys. “They would be too cool to come. Or they would think it doesn’t apply to them–or that it’s OK to do it.”
Are you a victim or an abuser? Signs to watch
Are you a victim of dating violence?
Are you frightened of your boyfriend or girlfriend?
Are you afraid to disagree with him or her?
Do you find yourself apologizing for his or her behavior when you are treated badly?
Have you been frightened by his or her violent behavior toward others?
Have you been hit, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you?
Do you not see friends or family because of his or her jealousy?
Have you been forced to have sex?
Are you afraid to say no to sex?
Are you forced to justify everything you do, every place you go and every person you see to avoid his or her temper?
Have you been wrongly and repeatedly accused of flirting or having sex with others?
Are you unable to go out, get a job or go to school without his or her permission?
Have you become secretive, ashamed or hostile to your parents because of this relationship?
Are you an abuser?
Are you extremely jealous and possessive?
Do you have an explosive temper?
Do you consistently ridicule, criticize or insult your girlfriend or boyfriend?
Do you become violent when you drink and/or use drugs?
Do you break partners’ belongings?
Have you hit, pushed, kicked or otherwise injured them?
Have you threatened to hurt or kill them or someone close to them?
Have you forced them to have sex or intimidated them so they are afraid to say no?
Have you threatened to kill yourself if they leave?
Do you make them account to you for every moment they are away from you?
Do you spy on them or call them constantly to check up on them?
Do you accuse them of flirting with or seeing others?
Where to get help:
Sarah’s Inn 24-hour hot line: 708-386-4225
Chicago Domestic Violence Help Line: 877-863-6338, 877-863-6339 TTY
National Runaway Switchboard: 800-621-4000
— Cindy Richards
