Dear Miss Manners–In my 8th grade history class, we came upon the subject that women and men have equal rights. We talked about how men used to be the dominators and that women were wives, end of sentence.
Women have come far in their fight for equal rights. But men still pull out chairs and open doors for women and say, “Ladies first.” So, for the sake of manners, is it still right that men are treating women better than women are treating men?
Gentle Reader–Are they? Surely someone in your class must be arguing that such gestures of deference are actually bad treatment, intended to humiliate and handicap women by marking them as helpless.
Not that Miss Manners is taking that position, or yours, either. But then, she has had enough advanced etiquette history to know that both have elements of truth, and neither tells the full story. (Nor does your conclusion that women were “wives, end of sentence.” Many managed to distinguish themselves in various fields despite barriers and prejudices.)
Chivalric etiquette was an improvement on the previous system of “Ladies never.” Nevertheless, symbolically declaring women too superior to run the everyday world had an amazingly similar effect to declaring them too inferior. And, by the way, chivalry originally applied only to upper-class ladies.
In order to debate whether remnants of this system still should be practiced, you must understand the cultural and sentimental part that tradition plays in history. The manners at any given time are not an exact fit with a society’s philosophy, nor should they be. It takes awhile for consensus to build, even–or especially–for the most morally sound changes, and progress is not helped by the abrupt condemnation of familiar ways.
If the boys in your class opened doors for the girls and pulled out their chairs for them, it would emphasize gender differences just when you are supposed to try to forget them and concentrate on your work. But would you welcome a rule that, as everyone is equal, you all have to dress alike for the prom?
