It had all the makings of the worst kind of dating relapse: John was getting drunk at a bar with some friends when he ran into his ex-girlfriend Theresa (with whom he’d broken up a few months earlier, after dating for a year and a half).
They got to talking, and she wound up going home with him.
“I didn’t think I’d ever see him again, but I thought, I’ll show him what he’s been missing,” Theresa recalls. She even put up with him throwing up on the side of her car as she drove him back to his place–although she did stop at a car wash to make him clean up the mess first.
Then a funny thing happened: Instead of leaving things as a commitment-free tumble, “I ended up calling her sometime the next day, once I’d healed my headache,” John says. “After I talked to her, I knew that we could get back together.”
That reunion took place in 1988, and John, now 33, and Theresa, 36, have been together ever since. They married in 1990 and now have two children.
Which just goes to show that not all dating relapses are nothing more than tawdry, booze-fueled romps. Some dating relapses are tawdry, booze-fueled romps that lead to lasting relationships.
Whatever the circumstances, getting back together with an ex can work better the second time around if the time apart has helped the partners gain perspective. For example, Melissa, 29, and Brian, 27, met in December of 2000 and dated for the next two months.
“While I really liked him, he came on a little strong and didn’t really show a soft side,” Melissa says. “I thought he was overeager to be in a relationship. There was this presumed level of intimacy that we hadn’t built up to yet.”
Melissa broke off the relationship at the end of February, but in April, she got back in touch with Brian. “I drank too much and called him,” Melissa admits.
By this time, Brian was seeing someone else. “Of course I was jealous, but more importantly, in hearing his stories about her, I got to see a bit of the softer side I wanted to see for myself,” Melissa explains.
“There was a safety in us not dating each other, that you didn’t have to woo me all the time, and so I thought he was much more relaxed. Both our guards came down and we were more honest,” Melissa says.
A turning point came when they met for coffee shortly after her birthday, and he brought her a gift. Melissa thought: “I dumped you, I treated you like crap, and you’re still willing to do this nice thing and put yourself on the line. Start over based on what I know now.”
Soon after that meeting, Melissa got back together with Brian (who broke up with his other girlfriend). They’re now talking about getting married. “I needed more time and he needed to calm down, and the friendship in the interim allowed it to happen,” she says.
It’s not surprising that couples will put aside hurt feelings and doubts and reunite, according to Rebecca Ward, a Little Rock, Ark., therapist and the author of “How to Stay Married Without Going Crazy” (Rainbow Books, $12.95).
“For couples who have attached during a relationship, it’s not unusual for that attachment to still be active after three months or even four or five months,” Ward says. “That attachment doesn’t disappear, maybe even in a lifetime, but certainly not in a couple of months.”
Time apart can be good for couples, Ward observes, because it can help them resolve issues that were getting in their way, such as the tradeoff between personal autonomy and companionship. “They’re going to use that time to feel what it’s like to be single, and not always have to consider someone else and enjoy the spontaneity you lose in the relationship.”
Marie had to work out that issue before she could get back together with Tim, with whom she’d broken up after dating for about five months. “I felt way trapped, so I got out of it for a while,” recalls Marie, who was 28 at the time. “I think deep down I knew this was it, and it was one of those `Oh my God’ feelings. I had to get my independent stuff out of the way.”
After about half a year, during which she briefly dated someone else, Marie ran into Tim at, yes, a bar. “I thought, ooh, I should try that again. It was within the hour of seeing him that we got together and talked things out.”
Marie and Tim, now 35 and 37, respectively, eventually married and have three children.
The above examples notwithstanding, Ward cautions that some ways of reuniting are more likely to succeed than others. “I think a couple that reconnects in a bar don’t have nearly as good a chance as someone who calls and says, `I’ve been thinking; can we meet for lunch?'” she says. “It’s a decision made under less hormonal influences.”
When that conversation does occur, Ward has some basic guidelines: “You need to be pretty clear about what you want, what you saw in the relationship that was good and could be built on, and what you saw that wasn’t so healthy and needs tweaking. Talk about the relationship so each of you knows what’s going to be a problem, what’s not going to be a problem, so you’re clear what the expectations are.”
Establishing that kind of groundwork can help the partner who got dropped feel more secure, but sometimes it’s enough that the person who broke off the relationship wants to come back.
Theresa saw her reunion with John that way. “I was very secure in the relationship, it was like we had this great second chance. I think the time away made all the difference for him in the world, because he knew I was the one he wanted.
