Gather up the kids and head for the Dells, because this weekend the good citizens of Illinois will be subjected to more lowbrow fighting than Wednesday’s televised boxing match between Tonya Harding and Paula Jones.
It’s the final weekend before Election Day.
Television screens will be assaulted by frightening close-ups of Gov. George Ryan morphing into Republican gubernatorial hopeful Jim Ryan, compliments of rival Patrick O’Malley.
Snorting pig snouts (courtesy of a race for Cook County Board) and barfing babies (from the run for attorney general) will fill the airwaves.
Rod Blagojevich will accuse Paul Vallas of swindling little old ladies out of their pension benefits.
Well, OK, maybe it won’t go that far.
But this campaign is no longer rated PG. With four days left before Tuesday’s primary, candidates are taking some desperate yet predictable turns into their dirty playbooks. They will hurl secrets, lies and videotape, then cross their fingers that voters do respond and that the slander police don’t. They will save the sleaziest shots for the final days, so the opposition won’t have much time to respond.
Mailboxes and doorknobs won’t be safe, either. Expect to see cohorts of men and women bundled in many layers, fanning across your neighborhood on missions to stuff and hang. They will be stuffing and hanging things like Blagojevich’s latest “Birds Bees Bull” pamphlet that starts out like a National Geographic centerfold but bizarrely gets around to attacking Vallas on abortion.
Planning on concocting 30 urgent errands in order to flee the homestead? Forget about it. Gloria Steinem and other taped crusaders will be there, on your voicemail, to welcome you home.
They don’t have time to call you in person, of course, but they assume you have time to listen.
Avoid the area around West Sunnyside Street because brigades of union contractors could well be barreling toward the remodeled Blagojevich home armed with dozens of eggs (all laid by union hens) after Thursday’s report that Blagojevich used some non-union subcontractors to do the work.
There’s a good rule of thumb in politics. When charges fly, the closer it is to the election, the less value should be placed on them. It’s just too easy to take wild shots in the waning moments.
There’s a safer, cleaner way through all this muck. First, of course, there’s the Dells. But be sure to come back by Tuesday to vote.
And, if you’re so inclined, give credence to the endorsements provided by the Tribune. More than 600 men and women are vying for federal, statewide, judicial and collar county offices this primary. The endorsements are an attempt to provide clarity as to the qualifications, promises and potential of each candidate.
The endorsements result from a months-long process of evaluating candidate responses to a detailed questionnaire, interviews with contenders, background checks and conversations with others about the candidates. In races for judge, the endorsements are a non-ideological effort to recommend those who are most competent to serve.
The editorial page will run the entire list of endorsements on Sunday and again on Tuesday.
By the time the polls open, it should once again be safe to tiptoe outside.
