It’s only 8 miles from the understated elegance that is the heart of downtown Wisconsin Dells. Only 6 miles from your chance to ride the Original Wisconsin Ducks. Five miles from Noah’s Ark, home of America’s Largest Water Park. – Two miles, just 2, from the Wisconsin Opry, Antique Mall and Flea Market. – And only 189 miles from Chicago. Which might not be exactly around the corner, but–especially if you’re driving and in a hurry–it beats being 1,772 miles from Chicago. – We’re talking about the Ho-Chunk Casino and Hotel. – Gambling. Bright lights. Buffets.
With the ongoing recession and requisite belt-tightening, plus a lingering aversion by some people to stepping inside airplanes, Ho-Chunk–roughly midway between Baraboo and Wisconsin Dells–may be the closest option available for those who occasionally require the Total Las Vegas Experience.
“We always try to get up to Las Vegas standards,” said Dave Abangan, Ho-Chunk marketing director. “The entertainment lineup, the atmosphere–it’s not Vegas standards, but it’s close.”
“Close,” of course, is not a precise expression of measurement.
Here’s what Ho-Chunk isn’t:
– It isn’t Atlantic City, with its grim intensity and the no-man’s-land atmosphere outside its gambling halls.
– It isn’t the boats, with their single-purpose floating mission: to separate you, fairly but inevitably, from your money.
– It isn’t the Bahamas. If you’ve ever been to Wisconsin Dells, you know it isn’t the Bahamas.
– And it isn’t Las Vegas. I mean, let’s get serious here-although it’s not bad for an operation that, until 1993, was a smoke shop and bingo hall.
The casino’s gaming floor is undeniably big-league. At 90,000 square feet, it’s larger than the casinos at the Flamingo, Bally’s, Paris or Harrah’s, all on the Las Vegas Strip. (It’s dwarfed, of course, by another Indian casino–Foxwoods, in Connecticut–which at 314,000 square feet seems larger than some countries.) It’s about half the size of the 175,000-square-foot casino in Las Vegas’ MGM Grand. Elgin’s Grand Victoria, on the other hand, is a cozy 29,850.
“Ho-Chunk” also sounds almost like a casino. Casinos, in this era of byte-powered slot machines, mostly sound like an endless “doodily-doodily-doodily.” Occasionally, when someone cashes out of a machine, there’s some clinking of coins, and from time to time you hear a come-on from a machine with a voice–does anyone not hate those?–but it’s mainly doodily-doodilies.
With 2,746 machines, there is no shortage of doodilies in the Ho-Chunk Casino. What’s missing is the distinctive sound of craps tables–the nasal drone of the guys who run the game and the shouts that come when the dice get hot. That’s because there are no craps tables at Ho-Chunk. And no roulette wheels, which also have a sound.
No baccarat, either.
There are 51 tables offering live blackjack, including a few $3 tables, and that’s a lot of live blackjack. (Gary’s floating Majestic Star Casino has 27.) But the lack of other games takes away some of the buzz.
“We’re limited by the state compact to blackjack, slots and bingo,” said Abangan. “That’s the main difference.”
There are others.
Servers at Ho-Chunk circulate around the casino with free drinks, as in Vegas, but unlike Vegas, the free drinks are soft. A woman playing blackjack, evidently not a regular, ordered a brandy Alexander from a server at Ho-Chunk, got it, was stunned when asked to pay $3.75 and sent it back.
“When you lose a thousand dollars,” she said, “you expect a free drink.” After which she busted and dropped another $20.
There can be on-site entertainment–Smokey Robinson has played Ho-Chunk, Top Rank has staged boxing shows for ESPN2 there, and more things are planned for summer–but it’s not as though something is happening in-house every night.
Ho-Chunk staff will remind you, though, that sometimes, like Elvis, you can leave the building.
“There’s probably a wider range of things to do in the area, 5 to 10 minutes away, than if you were to go to Vegas,” said Pamela Karg, a devoted Ho-Chunk sales rep. “How long is it to go to the dam?”
Well, Pam, it’s about an hour’s drive from the Vegas Strip to Hoover Dam, one of the World’s Great Engineering Marvels. Drive an hour out of the Dells and you’re in Sparta, Wis., home of the World’s Largest Bike. . . .
All right, enough whining. Karg is right: There is stuff here, and if you get past the minutiae, the combination of Ho-Chunk, the Dells and Baraboo can make for a very decent Las Vegas substitute, sort of.
To evaluate the Total Ho-Chunk Experience, consider this:
In season (roughly Memorial Day into September), there are Dells boat tours, water parks, the Wisconsin Opry country music show, water parks, the Rick Wilcox magic show, Duck rides, go-karts, water parks, cultural events at the gorgeous Al. Ringling Theater in Baraboo, one strip joint (for hard-core Vegas addicts), four true golf courses, Tommy Bartlett’s Thrill Show (since 1949) and Robots (since 1981), lots of mini-golf, water parks, a surprising variety of good restaurants, plenty of other places to stay at all price levels, and the absolutely wonderful Circus World Museum. And water parks.
If you can’t approximate a Vegas-style weekend out of Ho-Chunk’s casino and some of that, you aren’t trying.
One more thing: The Ho-Chunk Hotel lobby features an actual Dells-style fake lifesize (almost) rocky bluff, complete with fake eagle, fake eaglets and a fake fish dripping real water.
Not even Bellagio can match the dripping fish.
Not yet.
