This year’s Oscars show was inventive yet bloated, putting us out of our giddy misery at 11:51 p.m. and drawing terrible ratings. Looking to next year’s 75th event, the Tempo Subcommittee on Awards Show Perfection suggests these moves:
KEEP
Woody Allen. Hire him as host for next year (bonus: Soon-Yi could be a presenter).
Nathan Lane. If the Woodman’s not available.
Uma’s cleavage. Better yet, give it a presenting slot next year.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s wretched dress. It was so deliciously bad that next year we want to see what it would look like on Halle Berry.
Short film by Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson. Sure, it’d be (further) ripping off the tone of the MTV Movie Awards — but the Oscars need an infusion of irreverence.
Animated Oscars (and their animated nominees) politely clapping when they don’t win.
Cirque du Soleil. What does the circus have to do with movie special effects? Who cares? They’re cool.
CUT
Nostalgic montages. What’s next, scenes from our favorite Bolivian Technicolor musicals?
The death roll. Nothing’s more deadly than the yearly litany of entertainment figures who have passed on, and the audience clapping for their favorite deceased person.
Head writer Bruce Vilanch. His sense of humor is perfect for his other job: “Hollywood Squares.”
Honorary Awards. This year there were three; next year, how about . . . none?
A Sunday night. From now on, do the show on Saturday, so the weary viewers (in the Central and Eastern time zones) can sleep in the next morning.
Acceptance speeches. Eliminate them all, except for Best Actress. Roberto Benigni notwithstanding, the gals are always the most dramatic.
