We recently heard from Jessica, who, you may remember, was 41, never married, and on a break from dating. When her friend asked her to write a list of the top 10 qualities she wanted in a man, Jessica decided to make a “what I don’t want” list instead. It was based on her last 12 years of dating and contained things such as: I don’t want anyone with a pregnant girlfriend; not over his crazy ex-girlfriend; over 40 who lives with his mother and sleeps in the same twin bed he slept in as a kid; keeps a gun under his pillow; keeps a stash of cheap jewelry in his drawer for emergency gifts; seriously suggests that I steal the ski equipment from the ski lodge, etc.
Well, here’s Jordan to say that men can write lists too. Here’s his:
I don’t want anyone who . . .
. . . looks at a man as a project instead of a person.
. . . dates based on income, car or profession.
. . . looks at a man’s hairline as a critical dating criterion.
. . . ever dated a musician.
. . . refers to her ex-husband as a deadbeat.
. . . uses visitation rights as a weapon.
. . . talks about all the loser ex-boyfriends and ex-husbands she has ever had.
. . . grumbles that all men are underendowed.
. . . lusts after the pool boy in front of you.
. . . believes that giving a man a child of his own will change his mind about not having them.
. . . doesn’t realize that there really are crazy women who manage to hide it until it’s too late.
. . . doesn’t admit that crazy women are often very good in bed.
. . . holds a double standard for criminal activity perpetrated by women.
. . . subscribes to the particular man-hating version of feminism espoused by NOW.
. . . plans to defeminize after getting married.
. . . keeps on that extra 50 pounds after having a kid.
. . . sees no problem with turning into a fat hog with her face buried in a bucket of fried chicken or ice cream.
. . . has too many shoes, in a man’s opinion.
. . . sees no reason to have a career.
. . . thinks that men are supposed to pay for everything, just because they’re men.
. . . thinks that sex is a bargaining chip.
. . . will perform distasteful sex acts up until the point of getting married.
. . . thinks that getting pregnant is an acceptable method to catch a man.
. . . watches daytime television.
. . . reads such moronic trash as Cosmopolitan.
. . . expects a man to get new friends who are acceptable to her.
. . . expects a man to give up his toys and sports when he settles down.
. . . is threatened by the fact that men will always look at attractive women.
. . . has a hangup about pornography.
. . . is too close to her mother.
. . . hasn’t outgrown her partying stage.
. . . has a group of male friends she plays head games with.
. . . wants to redo your living quarters. You know, give it that woman’s touch.
. . . thinks that romance is the most important ingredient to a relationship.
. . . expects expensive gifts for all the Hallmark holidays.
. . . thinks that getting men to fistfight is such a great turn-on that she tries to arrange it.
. . . issues ultimatums.
. . . pushes to be called the girlfriend.
. . . insists on eating at places that are out of your price range.
. . . pushes for expensive vacations that you can’t afford.
. . . flirts with other men when she should be paying attention to you.
. . . can rationalize away any of her own behavior, the same behavior she wouldn’t accept from a man.
. . . expects men to read her mind when it comes to gifts or anything else.
. . . thinks that hints are as understandable as something actually said.
. . . thinks a guy should enjoy such mindless, boring, horrible movies as “The Way We Were.”
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What did pregnancy do to your relationship? Send your tale, along with your relationship questions, to Cheryl Lavin, Tales from the Front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL. 60611, or e-mail Cheryllavin@aol.com. All names are changed. Letters cannot be considered without name, address and day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column. Read Tales from the Front every Sunday in Arts & Entertainment and Tuesday and Thursday in Tempo.
