Ald. Bernie Hansen (44th) proposes a citywide ordinance slapping (ouch!) a $500 fine on public urinators (weak-bladdered fans around Wrigley Field are the real target). Why stop there? The Tempo Subcommittee on Nuisances demands more laws to help clean up this town.
– $1,000 fine for aldermen who accept bribes in public (targeted at the City Hall area).
– Overexposed, bra-top wearing rollerblading babes will be forced to wear T-shirts with digital representations of what they will look like in 20 years.
– One year in jail for obnoxious BMW drivers who aggressively grab parking spaces in shopping malls.
– For every question Mayor Daley dodges about the Soldier Field project or Millennium Park cost overruns: $1,000 fine donated to architectural preservation groups.
– Self-important cell phone junkies who walk the streets and ride the rails and drive the SUVs must listen to recordings of their own inane conversations over and over and over again.
– For unsportsmanlike vendors who sell “Cubs Suck” T-shirts right outside Comiskey Park, season tickets to the Cubs, obstructed view.
– Public vomiters will be sentenced to one year of community service in and around portable toilets (target areas: Division Street, Lincoln Avenue and everywhere on St. Patrick’s Day).
– For developers of those plug-ugly cinder-block condos: The builders’ cell phone numbers emblazoned on the buildings themselves.
– For public urination outside the new Soldier Field: No penalty. Who can blame fans when the new stadium looks like a toilet seat?
