Judith E. Brandt, a cheerful, thoughtful woman in her 40s, has written a curious little book called “The 50-Mile Rule: Your Guide to Infidelity and Extramarital Etiquette,” coincidentally timed with Friday’s release of the adultery-themed movie “Unfaithful.” (The 50-mile rule, by the way, is that “spouses and lovers should never live within 50 miles of each other. Preferably, they should live in two different states.”)
A happily married yet curious representative of the Tempo Council on Fidelity reached Brandt at National Lampoon’s offices in Los Angeles, where she works as a marketing director.
Q. So, you work for a humor magazine. Is your book some sort of wicked satire?
A. No. This is not a National Lampoon take on adultery. This is serious information presented in a fun way. There are no books out there on this subject in a format that is not judgmental. I want to help people make smart decisions before they make that step.
Q. Have you ever had an affair?
A. When I was married I did not. [She was married for seven years.] . . . But I have been the Other Woman and that’s when I became interested in why affairs are so compelling. . . . [As a single woman], I have had relationships with married men. Single women have a tendency to look at these things as the be all and the end all of things, the romantic tale. Much of this is self-deceptive.
Q. So, what broke up your marriage?
A. You wake up one morning and you look at this person and you say what am I doing here? That happened to me. And that can be a very dangerous point in any marriage.
Q. OK. OK. What about the ethics and morality of extramarital affairs?
A. There is a simple answer. Affairs are immoral and wrong. But the reality is that people are having them anyway. So you have to meet people where they are. For a lot of people morality doesn’t end up in it. So if people are doing it anyway, you have to try to mitigate the hard edges.
Q. What lessons did you learn from your affair?
A. The harsh lesson I learned is that anything you are told in the heat of that moment is probably not true. Also, one of the most amazing aspects of an affair is that you are making a pact with somebody you don’t know all that well and you are asking them to carry your secrets to the grave, secrets that are far more intense than any you share with your spouse.
Q. Knowing so much about adultery, can you imagine ever getting married again?
A. Absolutely. One thing that is so interesting about this, there is this question of intimacy. And to me intimacy is admission into the other person’s secret space, that place in your brain where you keep secrets. But ultimately it is not possible to know another person completely. And in another relationship I would respect that. People are always going to have secrets.
But it always surprised me that people are shocked that their spouse is having an affair. Where’s the shock? All people are capable of doing amazing things that you wouldn’t expect.
Q. Let me ask you about two of your rules: You say never admit you had an affair. Why?
A. You are opening yourself up [to trouble]. But first your spouse probably does not even want to know. While other marriages are falling apart, they want to believe that yours is not.
If you do [admit to an affair], you are going to be under suspicion probably for the rest of your marriage. I don’t think anyone wants to or should have to live like that.
Q. You also say, don’t feel guilty? That doesn’t seem realistic.
A. Guilt is basically something built into society to keep you in line. If you are going about your business in a discreet way and you are continuing to take care of your wife and, most importantly, your children, there is no reason to feel guilt.
Q. Say a friend said they were considering getting involved in an extramarital affair and asked for your advice, what would you tell them?
A. The advice I would give is that it is based on your needs. People enter into these things for many reasons. It’s not always just sex. There are emotional needs.
So far as I’m concerned, affairs can serve some short term tactical needs in a long-term relationship strategy. There is a saying: Men attract the best woman they can afford. And women get the best men their looks can attract.
If that is true, where you are when you are 30 is not the same as where you are when you are 40. So, what I would tell a friend is know your goals before you go into it. And be discreet. I would not pass judgment. People have very good reasons [for having an affair], but know what those reasons are and don’t get caught up in the romance and the drama of it.
