Remember when it was Mommy and Daddy and baby made three? What a simple world that was. Now — with second, third and fourth marriages, stepparents and stepchildren — baby sometimes makes four or five or six. And millions of families are trying, more or less successfully, to re-create the Brady Bunch.
Cass was divorced when Mia was 3. Many single moms consider finding a husband their primary focus, but Cass was not one of them. Dating was not her No. 1 priority.
“I was looking for me, not another so-called Mr. Right.”
She was more interested in nurturing her relationship with Mia, working and taking evening classes. She did go out occasionally, and when she did, she had one rule.
“I did not encourage my dates to meet my daughter. Children of divorced parents are vulnerable and they get attached so easily because they miss the absent parent.”
Looking inward
Four years went by after Cass’ divorce. In that time, she learned to drywall and redid her home. She kept busy by working in her garden, taking classes, pursuing her career and raising Mia, whom she taught to skate and to swim. She also started a long-distance relationship with Chris, who had two daughters. She and Chris saw each other every few months and talked often. When Chris came to town for a long weekend, she broke her rule and took Mia to an amusement park with him.
What single mom hasn’t tried to re-create a happy family with her child and her new boyfriend? What single mom hasn’t held her breath, hoping the child and the boyfriend would cooperate? Be on their best behavior? Go along with her fantasy? It didn’t quite work out that way. Mia was at her worst. She was cranky at the park and she threw a tantrum when they got home.
“Her behavior really surprised me, and what surprised me even more was that I handled the situation so calmly. We talked and she fell asleep. Chris was impressed. When he continued calling and wanting to see me, I was impressed too. Yet Mia was not happy with the situation.”
Misbehaving Mia didn’t scare Chris away. He invited Cass and Mia to visit him and his daughters. The kids all got along, but none of them seemed happy about the situation. Still, the relationship between Cass and Chris continued. When Chris proposed, Cass accepted. But there were still three girls to deal with.
“It helped that we knew our kids very well and listened and communicated with them. We kept their best interests at heart while trusting ourselves to make the right decisions.”
One decision they made was to make the girls part of their wedding plans. “They were involved in all the discussions. They had input into everything. They helped plan the wedding and they were in it.”
Becoming a family
By and by, the girls adjusted. “Summers and holidays and vacations were full family events. Chris and I made it to all their plays and recitals and we both helped with homework. Everything grew out of our love and respect for ourselves and our children.”
Last year, after a long and happy marriage, Chris died. Cass is once again “a single parent raising a daughter, though she’s very much a young woman on the way to adulthood. Chris was an amazing husband and father. We miss him very much. He was a wonderful influence and a real father to my daughter. His daughters and I are close, and the girls, forever sisters, remain in touch. We all travel back and forth to see each other, communicate and love one another.”
Once again, Cass is alone but anything but lonely. “I’m still a parent, far too busy being involved with my life to worry about being single.”
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Were you the child of divorced parents? How did you feel about your parents dating? Send your tale, along with your relationship questions, to Cheryl Lavin, Tales from the Front, Chicago Tribune, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611, or e-mail Cheryllavin@aol.com. All names are changed. Letters cannot be considered without name, address and day and evening phone numbers. Letters may be used in whole or in part for any purpose and become the property of the column.
