When is buyer’s remorse likely to strike?
(a) The house you just bought needs a new roof.
(b) Your new condo association imposes a hefty assessment.
(c) You buy the home of your dreams.
(d) All of the above.
The answer is “d.” Obviously, an unexpected expense or repair will cause buyers to gnash their teeth and lament. But buyer’s remorse occurs for other reasons — and doesn’t necessarily kill a deal or reflect a bad decision.
Psychologists say that virtually any decision a person makes will generate some level of discomfort, a phenomenon known as “post-decision dissonance.” Once you choose an option, its negative aspects suddenly loom large in your mind, along with the positive qualities of any alternatives you may have passed up.
“There’s always going to be some negative attributes about your choice, and that’s what makes people uncomfortable,” says Jeff Stone, a social psychologist at the University of Arizona in Tucson. For example, a house may have almost everything on your wish list, but perhaps it needs a new fence. “Most people can only afford one house,” he points out. “Now you’re committed to that house and you’re aware that it has some flaw.”
Dissonance usually kicks in shortly after a decision has been made.
Case in point: Valerie Alston, who bought a townhouse this spring in Greensboro, N.C., felt remorse as soon as she made the counteroffer. “I remember sitting at work and not being able to get anything done,” recalls Alston, 25. “I kept asking myself, ‘Did I do the right thing?’ and wondered if I was in too big a rush to buy a home. Then silly things started to bother me. I started worrying that this house didn’t have a porch [a feature of a property she almost bought, but lost to another bidder], and I hate to be rained on.”
The mere possibility of making a wrong choice can generate anxiety because most of us want to make smart, competent decisions. Psychologists say people typically reduce their discomfort by focusing on the positive features of their selection — and the negative aspects of discarded options.
Dissonance can occur over any decision, whether it’s buying a car or selecting a college to attend. “Yet the more important the decision, the more discomfort you will feel,” says Stone.
Dissonance theory aside, a number of other issues can stir up misgivings for home buyers.
How you were raised is one factor, says Terrence Koller, a psychologist in Evanston. “Your family might have been very careful about researching items before purchasing them, which causes you to believe that enough research will guarantee a good purchase,” he explains. “That may work for appliances, but real estate is more complicated . . . there are so many things that can go wrong or cause you to feel angst.”
Personality type also influences one’s tendency to ruminate. “Some people have higher expectations than others, and these perfectionists are not easily satisfied by anything,” adds Koller.
Indeed, perfectionists have a highly critical style of approaching financial decisions, says Kathleen Gurney, a psychologist and CEO of financialPsychology.com in Sonoma, Calif. “Anything that goes wrong in the process or after the sale creates a great deal of anxiety and guilt,” she says. “Anxiety because they lack confidence and are prone to worry, and guilt because they feel that they should have been more scrutinizing and critical of all the factors if something should go wrong.”
First-time home buyers might be expected to suffer the most remorse, but that’s not always true.
If people believe they have expertise or experience in an area, they may feel more remorse when something goes wrong than would a rookie who had lower expectations, says Miriam Tatzel, a social psychologist and professor at Empire State College in New York City.
Granted, home buying is still unnerving for first-time buyers because it’s a new experience — and it’s the biggest purchase they’ve ever made. “Because their dollars often don’t buy what they had envisioned, first-time buyers are pushed to the top of their limit by the market,” says Candace Kuczmarski at Coldwell Banker in Evanston.
Similarly, multiple-offer situations can unhinge even seasoned buyers, for in the heat of competition, people are forced to make snap decisions that may exceed their mental or financial comfort zone. A few days after signing the contract, when rivals have disappeared, the elation of victory wears off and doubts strike.
“It’s hard to separate personality from the situational,” says Tatzel, explaining that remorse is also influenced by people’s attitude toward money, how secure they feel financially and the specific circumstances of their purchase.
Yet another dimension of dissonance is how much you care. More than anything else the home is a symbol for how we feel about ourselves, says Tatzel: “So there’s a lot at stake emotionally as well as financially. And some people are more house proud than others.”
Realty agents often see the clash between expectations and reality manifested just before closing at the walk-through.
“Buyers haven’t seen the property in a long time, and they’ve imagined it a lot,” explains Ken Snedegar, an agent at Erdenberg Otten & Associates in Chicago. “Now there are no wall hangings or furniture, so all the blemishes appear where they didn’t before, especially for vintage properties.”
Snedegar recalls when he and his wife bought an old three-flat. The previous tenants had been there for years and little maintenance had been done. Ceiling paint was flaking, linoleum was old and ugly, hardwood floors needed to be refinished and there were no appliances — just dangling wires. When his wife saw the place on the morning of their closing, she became so upset that she had to leave. “I was afraid that she wouldn’t go through with the closing,” Snedegar recalls.
Post-closing remorse may stem from the simple fact of change, psychologists say.
“There’s always some comparing to previous situations that goes on, and you may miss something about your old place,” says Koller. “Perhaps your new kitchen isn’t as big or functional or you miss a particular view.”
Even if you move to bigger and better digs, it’s natural to wax nostalgic about your previous home. “It takes awhile to put your stamp on a place,” says Tatzel. “So your new home may feel strange at first.”
Inflated expectations can also ignite regret. For example, a couple may be having a rocky marriage and think that a new house will improve their relationship. Yet after they move into the house, their lives remain unchanged. Similarly, someone may feel disconnected in his or her neighborhood and think that a change of venue is the ticket to happiness.
“Don’t expect the house to solve your problems,” warns Scott Haas, chief psychologist at Arbour-HRI Hospital, a teaching facility affiliated with Boston University. It’s important to distinguish between spatial and emotional needs when house hunting; otherwise, you can be setting yourself up for disappointment.
Indeed, a lot of grief can be avoided by examining your needs and motivations before shopping, says Haas. Ask yourself: Why are you buying? What do you really need? Can you afford it? Don’t just consider your current circumstances; look ahead. If you plan to have children, would that change your financial situation?
Haas also advises seeking other perspectives: “Talk to people whom you trust and love and ask what they would do differently if they were going to buy a home again.”
Once you’ve made a decision, stop second-guessing yourself and move on. For example, after you get your loan, stop checking the newspapers for mortgage rates. “You can’t keep looking back,” says Koller.
Remember, even though buying a home is a decision you may have to live with for a while, it’s not irreversible. You can always sell and move somewhere else.
It also helps to recognize that the world is not perfect and to adjust your expectations accordingly, adds Koller: “I think the people who love their homes the most are ones who enter the buying process prepared to roll up their sleeves and make the house more of their own.”
Three steps to reduce stress
Whether you’re buying your first home or your 10th, some ambivalence is normal, says Nancy Molitor, a psychologist in Wilmette. Molitor recommends a three-step antidote to buyer’s remorse:
1. Expect some stress. Being nervous is part of the home-buying process. Remember that not all stress is bad stress.
2. Reframe. Remind yourself of the reasons why you chose to buy what you did. Perhaps you’re moving to a larger home or a better neighborhood. Prepare for the fun parts, such as shopping for paint or researching some aspect of decorating.
3. Rein in your worries. Confine any brooding to 5 to 10 minutes a day. During that period, write down your concerns on a pad of paper, and be specific. Play out the worst-case scenario and how you’d handle it if it happened. Then put your worry list aside and do something else. If other concerns come to mind, put them on tomorrow’s agenda.
“The root of most anxiety is the unknown, that vague sense that something bad is going to happen,” says Molitor. “If you can pinpoint the unknown, it’s becomes the known and it becomes a lot easier to deal with.”
— T.J. Becker
