When Ald. Jesse Granato (1st) announced his crusade to ban the snakehead fish, the Tempo Department of Fish and Political Wildlife could not help but note some remarkable similarities between the species.
TRAIT: Physical form
FISH: Slimy and slippery
ALDERMEN: Slimy and slippery
TRAIT: Crawling
FISH: Slither on the ground, propelling selves with their tails.
ALDERMEN: Slither on marble floors, propelling selves with fancy shoes.
TRAIT: Diet
FISH: Prey mostly on other fish. Also eat frogs, rodents, baby birds, small reptiles
ALDERMEN: Prey on taxpayers, anyone seeking zoning variance. Also eat steak, potatoes and Cobb salads.
TRAIT: When caught
FISH: Thrash around when hooked by fishermen
ALDERMEN: Call their lawyers when hooked by feds.
TRAIT: Habitat
FISH: Prefer muddy, weed-filled waters. Can live in warm and cold climates.
ALDERMEN: Prefer dark, lobbyist-filled halls. Can live in air-conditioning but suffer when the heat is on.
TRAIT: Danger
FISH: Scientists fear the snakeheads will quickly multiply and kill off endangered native fish.
ALDERMEN: Political scientists fear that aldermen will continue to let the biggest native fish, Mayor Daley, do whatever he wants to the city.
TRAIT: Mouth
FISH: Have dozens of sharp, curved teeth and can swallow fish one-third their length.
ALDERMEN:Have dozens of precinct captains and can swallow everything on the table.
TRAIT:Family
FISH: Aggressively protect their young.
ALDERMEN: Put lots of relatives on the payroll.
