She loves him yeah, yeah, yeah. He loves her too. But Sir Paul McCartney has got another girl–three to be exact, and a boy, too. They’re his grown children, and, if the press is to be believed, Mary, Stella, Heather and James are none too happy that their famous dad has married Heather Mills, a 34-year-old fashion model and crusader for land-mine victims.
“The rift between [McCartney’s daughter] Stella and Heather has reached the point where Stella can’t stand the sight of her,” wrote Natalie Clarke in June in London’s Daily Mail. “Stella is convinced that Miss Mills is trying to ‘usurp’ her beloved mother, and is not impressed.”
Mills, now known as Lady McCartney, may or may not have called designer Stella’s clothes “tarty”; she may or may not have manipulated McCartney into marriage, as sources in the Daily Mail article suggest. (Mills was not available for an interview.) But by marrying Sir Paul, Mills became a stepmother, stepping into a role difficult for women to take on and just as difficult for their new “children”–even grown-up ones–to accept.
In the United States, stepfamilies are becoming commonplace: As of 1998, the most recent year for which statistics are available, about 33 percent of the American population was part of a stepfamily, says Dr. Pearl Ketover Prilik, a Long Island-based social worker and author of “Becoming an Adult Stepchild: Adjusting to a Parent’s New Marriage” (American Psychiatric Press, $29.95). Of those 80 million people, roughly 20 million are adult stepchildren. A 1992 study posted on the Web site of the Stepfamily Association of America (www.saafamilies.org) suggests that more than half the American population has or one day will be part of a stepfamily.
Adult stepchildren find it easier to adapt to their reconfigured families than minor children, says Dr. Mary Halpin, a Deerfield-based clinical psychologist who often works with stepfamilies.
That may be true. Women, however, no matter how independent they are, may have a more difficult time than men do in welcoming a new woman into the family. A nascent stepmother-stepdaughter relationship “is right up there” on the difficulty scale, Prilik says. “It sounds a little bit like male bashing to say it, but [women] seem to have a harder time,” Prilik says, because more men tend to be unaware of the intricacies of such relationships.
New stepmothers present a variety of concerns, Prilik says, and financial and property issues actually head the list. “There’s the question of an estate, of a home, jewelry, possessions,” she says. Here’s an issue where men may have it easier: Out of protective feelings for their mother, men are more likely to broach the subject before their fathers remarry.
“A man would bring it up; a woman would angst about it,” in part because “it would seem crass to bring it up,” Prilik says.
Jenny Davis, a 31-year-old Chicago writer, says her father’s financial arrangements turned out to be less thorny than they could have been. Her stepmother, who married her father when Davis was 11, had been married to a well-to-do psychiatrist and had investment income. “She was never reliant on my dad for support,” Davis says. Davis and her brother have copies of the prenuptial agreement that her father and stepmother signed, and inheritance issues have been spelled out.
“I’ve always known that I’m not going to get any part of her house, and that I don’t have to worry about my great-grandmother’s china. All that has been taken care of,” Davis says. Her stepmother, she adds, learned by experience: Her former spouse had remarried, and his new wife tried to take things that belonged to Davis’ stepmother’s family.
Changing dynamics
Another concern is that the new woman will change family dynamics. An adult stepdaughter “often express fear that she will be displaced in her relationship with her father,” says Brenda Nemeth, a licensed clinical social worker and stepfamily specialist with Arlington Heights-based Northern Illinois Counseling Associates. “As the new stepmother assumes her spousal responsibilities, in turn, the daughter may feel that her special position with her father has been usurped.”
Davis says that in her situation, her stepmother was the one who felt discomfort. “She was upset for a while because my dad and I are really close,” Davis says. When her father and stepmother went through what Davis calls “a rough patch” several years ago, Davis cut down on phone calls to her father and called him at his office or e-mailed to make her presence less felt. “I didn’t want to interfere in their life together,” she says.
A woman’s feelings for her father can give her impetus to make a relationship with her stepmother work. Brynn Runkle Conover, a 37-year-old businesswoman in Athens, Ga., who calls her stepmother “a wise woman who’s in my life,” says it matters greatly that her father, now on his third marriage, is happy. “That gives you motivation to make the relationship work,” Conover says. Sometimes, however, the circumstances of the second marriage can complicate the relationship. A stepmother close in age to her stepdaughter (or younger, as Lady McCartney is) might expect a friendship, and that’s a terrible idea, Prilik says. “People shouldn’t expect to be friends on either side. It’s icky,” she says. “If you’re friends, talk of sex can come up, and nobody wants to talk about their father’s sex life!”
Even therapists wince at addressing the issue of a stepmother who contributed to the breakup of the original marriage.
Conover found herself in that situation in high school, when her father and another woman divorced their spouses to marry each other. “I took it badly. I took it to the extreme; I never opened the door” to a relationship with her father’s wife, Conover says.
About five years after the marriage, the woman died of breast cancer. Conover now regrets her behavior. “I was not a friendly person, then she died. Then I was like, `Now what do you do? You can’t take any of it back,'” she says. Learning from that first unpleasant experience has helped Conover forge a good relationship with her new stepmother.
For stepdaughters, viewing a stepmother as not a mother or friend but something else entirely might be the key to a solid, enjoyable relationship. Prilik feels so strongly about this “otherness” that she’d like the relationship to be renamed. “In ancient times, a stepmother was called a `mother in law,'” Prilik notes. “That makes more sense. If you think of the mother-in-law relationship, it implies that there can be ease with the fact that there’s another woman in your life. There’s not the sense of being torn.”
Prilik has even suggested that clients call their new parent “Steppie.” “There’s something kind of endearing about that,” she says.
Ways to make it work
Until there’s a replacement for “stepmother”–an emotionally loaded word that some have been known to morph into “stepmonster”–there are other ways to make the relationship work, even if circumstances prevent it from being close.
Halpin, the clinical psychologist, suggests viewing a stepmother not as a mother, not as a mentor, but as your father’s wife. “You’ll have a different relationship,” she says. Finding common ground, whether it’s reading or playing golf together, is a safe way to build a relationship with the woman who is your father’s wife, Halpin says.
Maria, a 28-year-old New York public-relations executive, suggests building a relationship that’s independent of the relationship with your father, or even your father and his wife as a couple. “She likes me for who I am and I like her for who she is,” Maria says of her bond with her stepmother.
It can take time
But arriving at that stage took time, Maria adds. She had a pleasant, if not close, relationship with her stepmother until a few years ago, when the two had a huge argument. “It was about my lifestyle choices. She has her own business and has worked hard. I think she perceived me as a bit spoiled because I had good professional opportunities but was unhappy with them,” explains Maria, who did not want her last name used.
Fierce as it was, the argument sparked a new understanding between the two women, and Maria now terms the relationship “very, very good.” In fact, she asks her stepmother for advice on her career and love life, topics she will not discuss with her mother. “My mom is more judgmental because she’s my mom. My stepmother cares about me, but she’s more removed so she’s a better resource,” Maria says.
Above all, don’t expect miracles to happen overnight. Too often, the suffix “mother” implies instant family and the closeness and love implicit in a family, when in reality that closeness and love take time to develop.
Conover sums it up nicely. “All of the sudden somebody’s part of the family,” she explains. “Society dictates that you should care about her, be nice to her and be supportive of her, when they’re just a stranger who has a family tie.” That it took time for her to develop a friendship with her stepmother “was the normal process of getting to know somebody,” Conover says.
Even Sir Paul sees that. “People in my position are told not to worry, that time will heal,” he told the British press. But the ex-Beatle realizes that the healing process will be a long, winding road. “It’s very difficult,” he said. “It’s difficult for all of us.”
