The new fall season in the NFL already has brought one big fashion faux pas–that’s you Dwayne Rudd! Leave your orange hat on!–but let’s not dwell on the negative. Let’s jump right to the nitty and the gritty.
Like . . . what’s the deal with those skullcaps, those yarmulkes, those tied-off stockings around everybody’s heads? Is there a name for those things? Are they the latest advancement in ‘do-rag chic? Do tell.
Do the skullcaps make the big, heavy helmets ride easier on the head? Do they keep positive thoughts in the brain? A size too small, maybe two, do they make the wearer more angry, ready to inflict more gridiron pain? Do tell.
I see that the undersized shirt for the offensive and defensive lineman is still in vogue, the better to avoid grabby, unwanted hands. I see the careful application of eye-black, sometimes that weird, paste-on kind, is still the chosen Sunday afternoon war paint. Tattoos are up! Very good. The ironing board, sticking out of the back of the shirt to help absorb collisions, is still a middle-linebacker staple.
But the baseball caps have strange bills this year, some kind of corrugated rubber effect that makes you think of the kitchen and draining dishes.
And what’s with the coaches. I know a deal is a deal and money is money, but how much do these guys receive for dressing like Chuckles the Clown every week?
There was a time when a pro football coach had style, when he walked across the tundra with his vicuna topcoat and his rep tie, raising dust with his wingtips or cordovan loafers. No more.
These guys look like they have just come off the back nine at the local muni course or are taking out the trash in their official poplin zipper jacket.
Is there not a man among them who can say, money be darned, take me to Armani and make me into Pat Riley or Larry Brown?
It’s confusing, this fashion business, I know it is. Let’s just keep our eyes and minds open. And if we can find it in our hearts, let’s have some compassion for the poor Dwayne Rudds among us, who just can’t remember the important do’s and don’ts.
Anyway, the picks . . .
New England (+1) at New York Jets: The no-huddle Patriots had a stretch where they threw 25 straight passes against the Steelers. Wasn’t that fun? Sort of like watching Randy Johnson say, “Well, I guess I’ll throw this guy a fastball, followed by a fastball, then a fastball and then, OK, another fastball.” Pick: Patriots.
Chicago (+3) at Atlanta: So Bears safety Mike Brown needed intravenous fluids twice during the game before making a key interception late last week against Minnesota. Key move was when he was able to use his Speedpass both times at the pump. The flying red horse lit up and he was good to go. Pick: Falcons.
Detroit (+3) at Carolina: Panthers overcome week of violent team dissent over which of the two Miss North Carolinas was the real Miss North Carolina. Pick: Panthers.
Cincinnati (+4 1/2) at Cleveland: Why isn’t that one player taking his helmet off for the national anthem? Try to pan down and get his number for us, will you? What can he possibly be thinking? Pick: Browns.
Green Bay (-2) at New Orleans: I once did a story on a young Brett Favre at his home in Kiln, Miss. He talked about the excitement of going down the road and watching the Saints play in the Superdome. I wonder if he still carries that excitement with him this week after going to all the other places he has gone. I’m thinking he does. Pick: Saints.
Miami (+2 1/2) at Indianapolis: Dolphins helped when Peyton Manning turns ankle after slipping on some crocodile tears left in the locker room by George Karl and the U.S. basketball team. Pick: Dolphins.
Jacksonville (+4) at Kansas City: Tom Coughlin outworks Dick Vermeil, simple as that, in Workaholic Bowl. Coughlin wins when Vermeil pauses to answer call from telemarketer selling discounted cell phone service. Pick: Jaguars.
Buffalo (+5) at Minnesota: Guinness Book of Records certifies mark set by Bills special teams for “Most Practices, One Week.” Bills special teams coaches tie mark for “Most Sleepless Nights, One Week: 7,” shared by many special teams coaches through NFL history. Pick: Bills.
Oakland (+4) at Pittsburgh: No truth to the rumor that “American Idol” runner-up Justin Guarini had a tryout at strong safety for the Raiders. No truth at all. Pick: Raiders.
New York Giants (+12 1/2 ) at St. Louis: It was somewhat symbolic in this age of parity in the NFL that the Thursday night opener between the Giants and 49ers ended as a betting push, a point-spread tie. (Push, Nevada?) Pick: Giants.
Houston (+13) at San Diego: Is it better to sit and learn for a year? Or is it better to step right out of college and have big men rattle your molars? This and other questions–was the Texans’ logo approved by the FDA?–will be settled when Drew Brees and David Carr go to work. Pick: Chargers.
Denver (+3 1/2) at San Francisco: Shannon Sharpe is the Charles Barkley of pro football. Don’t you think? Pick: Broncos.
Arizona (+ 3 1/2) at Seattle: Important games come fast for the Seahawks. Too fast. Pick: Cardinals.
Tampa Bay (+ 3 1/2) at Baltimore: The St. Petersburg Times started it by buying the naming rights to the Ice Palace in Tampa. Are the Bucs soon to play in “Tampa Tribune, Home Delivery, Seven Days A Week Stadium?” Pick: Bucs.
Tennessee (+3) at Dallas: Cowboys owner Jerry Jones unveiled his new, store-bought, teen-aged face last week on national television. Good luck, Jerry. This team is going to bring back those worry lines in a hurry. Pick: Titans.
Philadelphia (+3) at Washington: Interesting watching Florida being hammered by the University of Miami last week. Florida quarterback Rex Grossman kept looking north, all the way to Washington. What was he trying to see? Pick: Redskins.
Last week: The finish was 10-5-1 against the dreaded spread. Las Vegas quivered. PBS called to see if Your Humble Servant could take over for the departed Louis Rukeyser on “Wall Street Week.” YHS gracefully declined.
