When Andrea and Craig Hillier began house hunting in February, they found the perfect place on their very first day out. There was just one hitch for the Chicago couple: Andrea’s dream home had a different address than Craig’s.
Craig wanted to buy a renovated firehouse with lots of loft space and urban panache, whereas Andrea had fallen in love with a three-bedroom home with country charm. “It was a very dramatic day,” says Andrea, who recalls feeling a combination of panic, anger and disappointment. “It was very emotional to realize that the houses we each wanted so much were 100 percent different.”
Buying a house, like planning a wedding, seems to be a pleasant enough activity in the beginning. Yet the fun fades quickly when unexpected friction arises. And because buying a home is such a complicated transaction, it can generate conflict for couples on a number of levels, from clashes in aesthetic tastes to contrary styles of decision-making.
“Buying a house is a milestone. It’s a commitment, a symbol of the future. Yet like any other important milestone, there’s also a great deal of anxiety and ambivalence associated with it,” says Joyce Lowenstein, a psychologist in Washington, D.C., who specializes in couple’s therapy. And when anxiety is raised, personality traits become more exaggerated, making differences between people more noticeable.
For example, people who are more risk averse will engage in considerable research and wait until all facts are in, such as a home inspection, before they commit emotionally to a property.
“For someone less risk averse and more spontaneous about decisions, the other person’s methodical approach is going to feel like resistance — like they’re slowing things down needlessly,” says Julie Norem, associate professor of psychology at Wellesley College in Wellesley, Mass., and author of “The Positive Power of Negative Thinking” (Basic Books, 2001).
Similarly, one partner may be more pessimistic than the other and raise numerous objections about every property they visit. This ignites irritation on both sides: The optimist believes her pessimistic spouse is excessively negative while the pessimist views his optimistic wife as reckless and not observant. “Neither one tends to understand the other’s viewpoint,” explains Norem. “When pessimists point out negative aspects of a property, that doesn’t necessarily mean their final judgment will be negative, it’s just the way they play through the decision-making process.”
Psychologists often use the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a personality assessment tool based on Carl Jung’s teachings, to explain differences in behavior and decision-making. Myers-Briggs charts personality type along four dimensions:
1. Extroversion vs. introversion describes where people like to focus their attention. Extroverts derive their energy from interaction with other people and the outside world, whereas introverts are stimulated by ideas and introspection and need to be by themselves to recharge their batteries. For an extrovert, the house hunt will probably be an exhilarating experience while an introvert may be overwhelmed by all the external contact.
2. Sensing vs. intuition deals with how people gather and process information. Sensing-type personalities are grounded in reality and focus on concrete details that they can see, touch, hear, taste and smell. Intuitive types see abstract meanings and possibilities beyond what’s available through their five senses. On the real estate circuit, if a sensing-type person sees a “fixer upper,” he or she might reject it on the basis of being rundown and unattractive, says Julie Deisinger, assistant professor of psychology at St. Xavier University in Chicago. “In contrast, the intuitive person might envision the way the place could look if it were renovated and be willing to buy it.”
3. Thinking vs. feeling describes how people make decisions. Thinkers rely on logic and facts whereas feelers allow their emotions and personal values to guide them to conclusions, Deisinger explains. A self-admitted feeling type, Deisinger recalls a time when she and her husband, a thinking type, were at odds over an apartment: “My husband pointed out that it was a good price with a short commute to his job and close to public transportation for me. Although everything he said was true, I was resistant because I had ill feelings. I wasn’t familiar with the neighborhood, and it just didn’t feel like home to me.”
4. Judging vs. perceiving reflects how people relate to the outside world. Judging types like structure, order, closure and make decisions quickly, says Otto Kroeger, an organizational development psychologist in Fairfax, Va., and co-author of “Type Talk” (Dell, 1988). In contrast, perceiving types like to be flexible, spontaneous and take their time about decisions. Differences on this pole can generate some of the greatest interpersonal tension.
If a relationship unravels over real estate, it was probably wobbly to begin with, say psychologists. Yet house hunting can still be a catalyst for a break-up and certainly exacerbates any existing problems a couple might have.
A diversity of opinion
On the brighter side, personality differences also can help couples strike better deals, says Kroeger: “There are so many options in housing. The greater diversity we have in looking at things, the better equipped we are to choose than if we were to decide on our own.”
Indeed, Louise Dechovitz and Andy Rix find their differences to be a source of strength. “My husband can see the full potential of a property at first glance, when it’s not as obvious to me,” says Dechovitz. “I’m a person who likes to see as many properties as possible while my husband is very spontaneous. He has a clear idea of what he wants, and when he sees it, he doesn’t need to look any more.”
Earlier this year the couple bought a home in Evanston after only a few weeks of house hunting. Dechovitz would have preferred to shop longer, but was comfortable enough in the decision because they had researched condos in Chicago the year before. Yet for Rix, even those few weeks were overkill: “If it had just been me, I’d have seen four or five places and bought one of them.”
Slowing down is not easy, says Rix, but by considering more alternatives, “we probably ended up with a better result — and not just in houses.” This summer the couple bought a sailboat, and Dechovitz persuaded Rix to hold off buying his first choice and do more research, which included talking to experts at a sailing school. “Louise saved me from buying a banana of a boat — and a lot money,” Rix admits. “It may be a cliche, but two heads really are better than one.”
Negotiation vs. compromise
When it comes to resolving friction from personality differences, communications is key, say psychologists.
“There are a lot of Felix and Oscar types out there, but differences don’t have to be a problem if a couple knows how to negotiate,” says Michael Zentman, a psychologist and director of the postdoctoral program in marriage and couple therapy at Adelphi University in Garden City, N.Y.
And there’s an important difference between negotiating and compromising, Zentman stresses: “Suppose we’re going to a movie, and I like to sit in front and you like to sit in back. If we compromise, we sit in the middle and no one gets what they want. If we negotiate, then we sit in the front half the time and in the back half of the time. That’s a much better way to resolve differences because both people get what they want 50 percent of the time.”
Couples often assume that their partners know what they want when the reality is neither party is a mind reader. Be clear about your reasons for moving: Are you looking for a larger house, a better neighborhood? Communicate what’s important to you so your partner will have a better understanding of your reactions when looking at homes. “It’s important to get to the point where you understand the other person’s preferences and decision-making strategies are not an attack against you,” says Wellesley’s Norem.
And know what you’re willing to give up. You may have to reshuffle your priorities not only because they clash with your partner, but also because of the market. For example, there may not be any homes with attached garages in older neighborhoods where you may want to live.
We want to be understood
Try to understand why your partner’s priorities are, indeed, priorities. What people want most is to be understood, says Lowenstein: “It’s validation that the other person cares about you — that they’re not just looking at you but really seeing you. If a person feels understood, it’s much easier to give up something.”
“Talking really helped,” observes Andrea Hillier, referring to her situation of dueling dream homes. After their turbulent day of house hunting, the Hilliers sat down and discussed each other’s priorities in detail, compiling a specific wish list — along with deal-busters. “I tend to give in to things too quickly, and one thing I really wanted was a yard, not just a deck, but a real piece of grass,” says Andrea.
A few weeks later, the Hilliers found a house that made them both happy. “Ironically,” adds Andrea, “it was designed by the same architect who did the firehouse renovation.”
