OK, first off, let’s get something straight: No laughing at the hat. It’s a prop. I wear it for effect. You see me on the street, you won’t see the hat. Book it.
Quick tutorial: Others pick NFL games straight up with no point spread like it’s a Friday office party over by the kitchenette near the boss’ desk. I need those people to step to the right
of the group, enter the door there by the window, leave the building and not come back for the rest of their lives.
The rest of you, I applaud your scholastic aptitude, if not your choice in clothes. We pick against the spread, so keep your hands and feet (and snouts) inside the car at all times and enjoy the ride. Let’s begin.
These teams have a bye week: Green Bay, St. Louis, Miami, San Diego. That means they don’t play this weekend. You can still pick them to win if you want to, but don’t be blaming me for the stink it will most certainly create.
LIQUID LOCK
Detroit (2-4) at Buffalo (4-3)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Detroit leads 3-2-1
Watch your step: Drew Bledsoe is 2-0 and completed 63 of 85 passes for 791 yards,
7 TDs and zero INTs against the NFC this year. In 3 career games against the Lions as the NE QB, he racked up 638 yards. On top of that, WR Eric Moulds has averaged 114.3 yards per game at home this season and WR Peerless Price is 3rd in AFC with 47 catches and 639 receiving yards overall. See where I’m going with this?
Keep scratching: Bills special teams coordinator Danny Smith was Detroit’s tight ends coach from 1999 to 2000. How does this help you? It doesn’t.
Glantz & Culver say: Buffalo by 7
Over/Under: 49.5
The final shake: Bills
CURB THAT ANIMAL
If you pick this game,
clean up your own mess
Seattle (1-5) at Dallas (3-4)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Dallas leads 5-2
Watch your step: Rookie free agent QB Chad Hutchinson makes his first career start for the Cowboys, so maybe you take the Seahawks. But then RB Emmitt Smith (right) needs 93 yards to surpass Pro Football Hall of Famer Walter Payton as the NFL’s all-time leading rusher, so maybe the Cowboys are inspired.
Keep scratching: Trent Dilfer has won 19 of past 26 starts, and yet Seattle is 1-5. Does not compute, does not compute.
Glantz & Culver say: Dallas by 2
Over/Under: 37.5
The final shake: Dallas. Let’s get this Emmitt thing over with already.
OTHER GAMES
Tennessee (2-4) at Cincinnati (0-6)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Tennessee leads 36-29-1
Watch your step: Titans are 9-3 against the Bengals when Eddie George plays. Head coach Jeff Fisher is 10-4 against the Bengals. QB Steve McNair is 8-2 as starter against the Bengals. What more do you need, my friends?
Keep scratching: Bengals defense ranks 2nd in AFC in average yards per 1st down play. That way, the Titans will need to make their big plays the other three downs.
Glantz & Culver say: Tennessee by 5
Over/Under: 41
The final shake: Titans
Oakland (4-2) at Kansas City (3-4)
Time & TV: Noon, CBS
Head to head: Oakland leads 41-40-2
Watch your step: The Raiders eye their 6th straight win over Chiefs after KC had won 5 in row. Six of the past 7 meetings have been decided by 7 points or less. Chiefs RB Priest Holmes had career highs in scrimmage yards (277) in his last game against the Raiders.
Keep scratching: The Chiefs’ 239 points after 7 games is the most in club history, better than 1966 when the team advanced to Super Bowl I. I wasn’t alive then, but I’m still impressed.
Glantz & Culver say: Oakland by 2
Over/Under: 55.5
The final shake: Chiefs
Chicago (2-4) at Minnesota (1-5)
Time & TV: Noon, FOX
Head to head: Minnesota leads 44-35-2
Watch your step: WR Randy Moss (left) seeks his fourth 100-yard receiving game against the Bears, a team he has torched for 53 career catches, second-most against any NFL club.
Keep scratching: The Vikings have 4 native Minnesotans on their roster: C Matt Birk, Corbin Lacina, QB Todd Bouman and
T Adam Haayer. This means they’re all familiar with flannel.
Glantz & Culver say: Minnesota by 1
Over/Under: 44.5
The final shake: Bears
Atlanta (3-3) at New Orleans (6-1)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Atlanta leads 38-27
Watch your step: If it isn’t obvious by now, QB Michael Vick goes to WR Brian Finneran, who has 22 receptions, 15 for first downs. But the Saints are hot and have an offense that ranks first in NFC with 66.7 red zone TD percentage (24 trips, 16 TDs).
Keep scratching: Falcons are 26-10 all-time under head coach Dan Reeves when leading after two quarters. Maybe it’s the halftime snacks.
Glantz & Culver say: New Orleans by 4
Over/Under: 46
The final shake: Saints
Cleveland (3-4) at NY Jets (2-4)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Cleveland leads 9-6
Watch your step: Under head coach Butch Davis, Cleveland is 9-3 when scoring more than 20 points in a game, and the offense is clicking when QB Tim Couch distributes the ball to his squadron of recievers.
Keep scratching: Only three current Jets were with the team the last time clubs met in 1994: RB Richie Anderson, and LBs Marvin Jones and Mo Lewis. Somehow, that’s kind of sad.
Glantz & Culver say: Jets by 3
Over/Under: 41.5
The final shake: Browns
Tampa Bay (5-2) at Carolina (3-4)
Time : Noon
Head to head: Tampa Bay leads 2-1
Watch your step: The Bucs’ defense has scored 5 TDs and surrendered 6 in 2002 while allowing an NFL-low 76 points.
Keep scratching: We’ll be seeing a lot of Carolina P Todd Sauerbrun, who leads the NFC with 46.1 gross average.
Glantz & Culver say: Tampa Bay by 7
Over/Under: 33
The final shake: Bucs
Pittsburgh (3-3) at Baltimore (3-3)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Steelers lead 8-4
Watch your step: Five of past six meetings have been decided by 7 points or fewer with the road team winning the last six times. Baltimore is 7-0 when Jamal Lewis rushes for 100 yards.
Keep scratching: Steelers QB Tommy Maddox played in the XFL. Everybody clear?
Glantz & Culver say: Pittsburgh by 2
Over/Under: 37.5
The final shake: Ravens
Arizona (4-2) at San Francisco (4-2)
Time: 3:05 P.M.
Head to head: San Francisco leads 17-9
Watch your step: Looks like the old Jake the Snake is back. Plummer (below) had a game-winning drive in club’s final possession the past 2 weeks. But 49er RBs Garrison Hearst and Kevan Barlow (320) are the only RB tandem in the NFL to each have 300 yards rushing this season.
Keep scratching: Cardinals DE Kyle Vanden Bosch has at least 0.5 sacks in 3 of past 4 games. Half a sack? Kyle, might be time to try one by yourself this week.
Glantz & Culver say: San Francisco by 8
Over/Under: 45
The final shake: Cardinals
Denver (5-2) at New England (3-3)
Time: 3:15 P.M.
Head to head: Denver leads 21-14
Watch your step: Patriots WR Troy Brown has 19 catches for 291 yards and 4 TDs in the past 3 games against the Broncos.
Keep scratching: Game features former Michigan QBs — Denver’s Brian Griese and New England’s Tom Brady. Upside: They divvy up tickets for the Wolverine band.
Glantz & Culver say: New England by 3
Over/Under: 45
The final shake: Denver
Houston (1-5) at Jacksonville (3-3)
Time: 3:15 P.M.
Head to head: 0-0. That means they’ve never played, folks.
Watch your step: Rookie QB David Carr has reached career-bests in passing yards in
3 straight games and he hasn’t thrown an INT in the past nine quarters.
Keep scratching: Texans have 16 players who played high school football in Texas. It’s time to tell them this is the NFL.
Glantz & Culver say: Jacksonville by 10
Over/Under: 38.5
The final shake: Texans
Indianapolis (4-2) at Washington (2-4)
Time & TV: 7:30 P.M.,
ESPN
Head to head: Indianapolis leads 17-9
Watch your step: Indy WR Marvin Harrison had 9 catches for 117 yards in his last game against the Redskins.
Keep scratching: Washington coach Steve Spurrier said Shane Matthews is “our quarterback.” Need I say anymore?
Glantz & Culver say: Pick ’em (OK, we will.)
Over/Under: 47
The final shake: Colts
Monday Night
NY Giants (3-3) at Philadelphia (4-2)
Time & TV: 8 p.m., ABC
Head to head: New York leads 72-60-2
Watch your step: Eagles aim for eighth consecutive prime-time win and they are 25-4 when scoring 20 or more points under head coach Andy Reid.
Keep scratching: DE Michael Strahan aims for his fourth straight multi-sack game against the Eagles, and he has 8 career sacks against QB Donovan McNabb. We assume most of them are legit.
Glantz & Culver say: Philadelphia by 7
Over/Under: 38.5
The final shake: New York
