Dear Carolyn: Am I out of my mind to want to get back together with a girl who cheated on me and lied to me after a nearly three-year relationship? Her actions caused an insufferable amount of pain in my life that I’m just getting over, and yet all I want is to find out if we can work things out before the window of opportunity closes. I honestly wonder if I will ever find someone whom I love as much. So am I a huge sucker, or what?
— 25
“Insufferable”? Are you serious? Your getting over it means it was sufferable by definition. My objections aren’t just semantic, either. The mere fact that you have survived — requisite shudder at the use of that word in this context — means you have at least one ribbon of strength you could be mining to make a more rational choice.
I suppose I could put a happy spin on your wanting her back, by defining a huge sucker as someone who doggedly sees the best in people, even people who cheat on him, lie to him and beat him over the head with how awful they are.
But I can’t find a good spin for the “window of opportunity” concept. She’s either a good person or she isn’t. She’s either good for you or she isn’t. You either fold at the positively geriatric age of 25 and decide a liar is the best you can do in this world, or you don’t and you hold out for better. There’s no place for an egg timer in this process, unless your intent is to force out judgment in favor of a desperate, melodramatic swoon.
Hi Carolyn: My extended family has managed to deal very well with my being gay, with the major exception of my father. I came out to him five years ago because I wanted him to know the wonderful guy who was, and still is, my boyfriend. His initial reaction wasn’t bad, but he has since refused to speak about it or meet my boyfriend. He has not responded to the few letters and e-mails I’ve sent him about this. I should note that he is not particularly adept at dealing with any emotionally challenging topic. His unwillingness to be anywhere near my boyfriend has affected family gatherings and events. I have wanted to speak with him about it, but my mother and brother think that “pushing him” might blow all chances of his dealing with my sexual orientation. What should my next step be?
— Clueless
Choosing, already. Which is more important to you, seeing your father on his terms or living by yours, even at the risk of rejection?
If you’d prefer this dad to no dad at all, accept the status quo as permanent. Accept that he won’t change, and decide to make peace with that. If he ever does come around, whee, surprise, great.
If you’re starting to resent the don’t-ask-don’t-bring policy, it may be that the integrity price for Pop’s company has gotten a little too high. In that case, you approach him to talk, with eyes open to the risks.
I can’t tell you the right answer because there isn’t one, there’s only the one you can live with.
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