Dear Carolyn:
I’m 18 and all throughout school, I’ve had a hard time making friends. I can think of mitigating circumstances, but ultimately it’s just that I’m uncomfortable talking to people. I just freeze up. I have a loving family and my life is pretty satisfying otherwise, but sometimes, I’m so lonely I can’t stand it–even though it’s probably my fault. I don’t care whether it’s a boy or a girl–I just want to be close to someone. I’ve seen a psychologist and it didn’t really help.
Lonely
Dear Lonely,
For treatment to work, a psychologist also needs to see you. And be competent. You don’t always get that on the first try.
I’m not one to believe that happiness is finding the right diagnosis, especially when you might just be really, really shy. But even though your combination of being otherwise functional and having no social skills can describe every person who’s ever sat behind me in a movie theater, the severity of the loneliness you describe does suggest your shyness may have crossed the disorder border. Social phobias or anxieties, as well as ailments on the autism spectrum, can all interfere with the way you approach your peers.
To find the right specialist, enlist the help of a school counselor or your doctor. Be honest about how you’re feeling, and say you’d like to be screened if only to rule out a medical cause for your isolation.
In the meantime, take a low-tech approach–get involved in a group activity that aligns with your natural talents and interests, which will allow you to be around people in at least a semi-comfortable context. If nothing else, these two deliberate, active steps might help improve your sense of control and therefore confidence, which almost always bears fruit.
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E-mail tellme@washpost.com.
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