Every morning, millions of American men manage to get dressed without embarrassing themselves. Then there are the rest, like the guy a few weeks ago who was walking down Michigan Avenue–not jogging or performing any kind of street routine–wearing a blue velour sweat suit with white piping. Guys like him demonstrate the unfortunate fact that once their mothers stop dressing them, many men don’t really know how to take it from there. Clearly, some basic rules need to be re-established. With the help of fashion experts and ordinary Chicagoans, Q sources have identified five of the worst, and most common, men’s fashion and grooming mistakes. Guys, if you’re doing any of the following, resolve to stop it. Now.
1. The mistake: Grown men wearing sports jerseys, especially with the names and numbers of star players (Michael Jordan, Brian Urlacher, etc.).
The complaints: “It’s an immediate indicator that they stopped all growth–personal, mental, emotional and spiritual–when they graduated from high school,” says Chicagoan Bridget Rowley Sarno.
“It’s too juvenile too–`This is my hero! This is my team! Rah-rah-rah!’ ” agrees Joseph DeAcetis, fashion director for Playboy magazine.
Solutions: If you want to get into your team in a big way, wear the replica of your favorite athlete’s jersey while attending the game in which he’s playing. Or while watching it on television in the privacy of your own home.
Exceptions: If you are under 30 you can wear the jersey–along with baggy pants, jewelry, etc.–as part of a consistent hip-hop statement. (If, however, you are over 30–yo, homes, hang it up. Literally.) And if you are Brian Urlacher himself, you can wear anything you please.
2. The mistake: Mismatching casual clothes with dress clothes (such as wearing golf shirts as dress shirts, wearing polo shirts with sport coats, wearing shirts that have more than one pocket with a tie).
The complaints: “I’ve seen the VP of merchandising at Polo Menswear pull it off [the polo-shirt/blazer combination], but not many others,” says Deborah Christiansen, a professor in the apparel merchandising and fashion design department at Indiana University in Bloomington.
Arlington Heights resident Jennifer Schmidt makes a plea for months to come: “For God’s sake, stop wearing the `weekend uniform,’ ” she laments of the combination of golf shirts, ill-fitting khakis and gym shoes that is omnipresent from May through September.
“Life is not a back-yard barbecue,” adds Chicagoan Karen Yates.
Solutions: Don’t wear a tie with anything other than a dress shirt, no matter how many Gap ads you see to the contrary. If you’re going to embrace the casual-for-all-occasions look, at least wear clothes from the same family. For example, it’s possible to make the polo/jacket combination work, but the blazer must have a relaxed cut, and the shirt “shouldn’t be a waffle weave, it should be a very thin cotton, shiny, more evening or more elegant” than one you’d go to the park in,” says DeAcetis.
Whatever you do, if you’re at all overweight, don’t wear polo and T-shirts that cling so tightly your girth makes them quiver like Jell-O. Also, admit what your waist size really is and buy pants accordingly, so that the pleats of trousers aren’t pulled flat.
Exception: You can mismatch shoes, pants, shirts and sport coats if you are a clown.
3. The mistake: Wearing a cell phone attached to a belt, as if it were a gun in a holster.
The complaints: “It makes you look like you’re an I.T. guy on 24-7 call. They’re the 21st Century equivalent of a pocket protector,” says Oak Park resident Lynn Olson.
“It’s insulting, it’s in your face. What it says to another person is, ‘I’m that rude that I will talk to someone in front of you,’ ” adds DeAcetis.
Solutions: Put it in the pocket of your sport coat or in your briefcase. Or buy a stylish shoulder bag for keeping your cell phone, PDA, laptop, portable CD player, etc. If you’re at a party or a restaurant, leave it in the car and concentrate on talking to the people with you.
Exceptions: You can wear a cell phone on your belt if you really are an I.T. guy (or some other sort of technician, physician or law enforcement official) on call. You also can wear it if your wife is pregnant and could go into labor at any minute.
4. The mistake: Futile attempts at hair-loss compensation.
The complaints: “My pet peeves? The comb-over, its Baby Boomer equivalent–the bald dome with a ponytail–and the African-American spin, the Bozo-fro,” says a Chicagoan we’ll call Ella (lest her friends know she’s talking about them).
Solutions: “When a man’s hair is receding, he’s got to let it go,” insists DeAcetis.
“Any balding man who keeps his hair short and meticulously groomed is making a [strong] statement about how comfortable he is with his own looks. Confidence is the ultimate aphrodisiac!” declares Ella.
Exceptions: “Don Rickles,” DeAcetis suggests. Otherwise, the comb-over is utterly forbidden, although saying so probably won’t stop our city, state and federal elected officials anytime soon.
You can, however, wear your hair in a ponytail despite being bald on top if you are a member of the Allman Brothers Band or have some other job in the music industry.
5. The mistake: Inappropriate shoes, especially informal shoes (cowboy boots, walking shoes) with suits, or gym shoes with khakis and jeans.
The complaints: “Gym shoes belong in one place and one place only: the gym,” insists Chicagoan Beth Paul.
“My husband wears gym shoes with jeans to work, and I think it looks unpolished. It ruins his look,” laments Bridget Rowley Sarno.
Solutions: Wear dress shoes, and dress shoes only, with suits. For casual wear, substitute a pair of casual leather shoes for gym shoes, and get a pair of nice sandals (no flip-flops!) to wear with shorts in the summer. While you’re at it, make certain your belt matches the shoes. Polish them once in a while too. Few grooming mistakes will undermine a guy more than looking from the ankles down as if he’s been climbing the Andes.
Exceptions: You can wear gym shoes in jobs that imply a lot of motion (or mess), such as construction and food services. You can wear cowboy boots with a suit if you are, in fact, a cowboy, or a country music singer at an awards show, or own at least one oil well.
Post-game analysis: In a culture that’s far too concerned with appearances, is there any reason to take issue with harmless choices in dress and grooming? Is this snotty, petty?
Perhaps, but it also may be true that the decline in the way we present ourselves contributes to the decline in the dignity with which we conduct ourselves and treat others.
“You don’t eat food at a restaurant with your fingers, you use utensils,” DeAcetis observes. “There’s a reason why we dress or need to dress the way we do. You can tell so much by a way a person dresses. I believe absolutely that it is a representation of self.”
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A redress of grooming grievances Gnarly fingernails, baseball caps at the table, bathing in cologne . . . we invite your nominations for elaboration on high crimes against style (female or male) in a sequel.
Put Style Crimes in the subject header and e-mail us at Q@tribune.com.
