MOST UNDERAPPRECIATED MUTT: You could make a case for Rams safety Adam Archuleta, who had 102.0 tackles, 85 of them solo. You could stare in amazement at Corey Dillon’s 1,311 yards for the Bungles. You might even say San Diego’s Drew Brees hung in there for 17 TD passes and 3,284 yards. But the pick is Seattle RB Shaun Alexander, who was No. 2 in the NFL in TDs (18) while rushing for 1,175 yards and catching balls for 460 yards. If the guy plays anywhere else, MTV gives him his own show.
BIGGEST FIRE HYDRANT: You will never hear a reference to “Who Let The Dogs Out?” here. However, I do award those who do their best to put the fires out. I watched San Francisco’s Jeff Garcia, Terrell Owens & Co. convert 52.3 percent of their third-down situations. The next best was Indy at a distant 44. Maybe I’m skewed from watching the Bears (34).
THE GOLDEN CHUCK WAGON: Remember the ad where the dog chases the yummy chuck wagon around the house and then runs into the cabinet door? Been there, done that. But this award goes to the most disappointing player. Sure, you have yours, but mine is Cleveland’s Tim Couch. Eighteen TDs and 18 INTs ain’t pretty.
BEST PERFORMANCE OF “PLAY DEAD”: The New Orleans Saints. One week, they’re 9-4 and I’m writing Bourbon Street jokes for the Super Bowl. Three games later, the Saints watch the playoffs from home while wiping footprints off their backs courtesy of Minnesota, Cincinnati and Carolina. No more explanation necessary.
BEST YAPPER: Denver’s veteran tight end Shannon Sharpe practically made an entire career out of talking on the field, and yes, he can spell “Dow Jones.” But while he winds down his Hall of Fame career he still has the chops. When the Broncos prepared to go to Oakland for an important AFC West battle this year, Sharpe said “It’s a great place to play a football game and visit some inmates while you’re out there.”
WORST YAPPER: Carolina punter Todd Sauerbrun had a war of words with Tampa Bay placekicker Martin Gramatica because, really now, that’s the only way kickers can fight. “He really needs to chill out, plain and simple,” Sauerbrun said after Gramatica celebrated a field goal. “You don’t see me jumping around when I hit a 70-yard punt like I’ve never done that before.” That’s because punters never score. Next . . .
BEST NFL PLAYER . . . EVER: Arizona’s Jake Plummer. Why Plummer? Not because the Bears might chase him but because he owns two basset hounds, Willis and Shelby.
