Several prominent baseball writers have designated the Cubs one of their surprise teams for the upcoming season, leading chronic sufferers of the franchise to instantly jump on the word “surprise.”
Define “surprise,” they say. Custer-at-Little-Big-Horn surprise? That kind or surprise?
Or the look on Wile E. Coyote’s face when he realizes he isn’t on the verge of catching the Road Runner and that, furthermore, it’s probably not a good thing to be temporarily suspended 3,000 feet above the canyon floor?
That sinking-feeling type of surprise?
OK, veteran Cubs observers say, then “surprise” could possibly work here.
The thinking among some of the national experts is that if the Anaheim Angels, a fairly young franchise built by a cowboy movie star in the shadow of Disneyland, can win a World Series, then surely a franchise that hasn’t won a championship since 1908 has reason to believe anything can happen.
We Chicagoans know better, but we’re also suckers for even trace amounts of hope.
The Cubs open their season Monday against the Mets, Kerry Wood is pitching, Dusty Baker is fixing to strategize and 100 victories seem possible. Until, oh, next Monday.
Some predictions:
The Happiest Surprise of the Season Will Be: Hee Seop Choi. You say he’s too much the mellow fellow? Give him 400 at-bats, and then we’ll talk.
The Position To Worry About Is: Third base, second base, catcher … what’s that? Oh, position singular. OK. Aside from the strikeouts, third baseman Mark Bellhorn had a nice season last year after a nondescript career up to that point. Be very worried that he’ll regress.
The Guy There’s No Need To Worry About Is: I think you know who this person is, but here are some hints: muscular, super-sized man … hits home runs as often as the standard-issue person eats lunch … most people’s CD volume level goes to 10; his goes to 11 … calls himself a gladiator, though there’s not even a vague resemblance to Russell Crowe. Ring a bell?
The First Controversy Involving the Fans Will Be: Over windscreens again. People inside Wrigley Field will put up their own screens whenever whiffing Corey Patterson comes to the plate. Windburn is murder on the complexion.
The Team’s Representatives in the All-Star Game Will Be: Sammy Sosa and Mark Prior.
The First Man Ejected Will Be: Baker. The Cubs manager spent much of spring training truly bewildered by the obsession Chicagoans have with the team’s awful history. Just watch: He’ll take it out on an umpire by the third week of April.
By the All-Star Break, Dusty Baker Will Be: Obsessed with the Cubs’ awful history.
The Game To Circle on Your Calendar Is: May 16. The Cubs begin a four-game series in St. Louis against the hated Cardinals. This will be the time the Cubs find out whether they’re for real or just your typical Cubs wax museum.
Sammy Sosa Will: Hit 55 home runs, 50 of them with no one on base, 45 of them with the Cubs down 3-0 in the ninth inning.
Kerry Wood Will: Go 14-13 with a 2.98 earned-run average.
Bobby Hill Will: Reluctantly renew his subscription to the Des Moines Register.
Antonio Alfonseca Will: Not matter.
Steve Stone Will: Ask that deep question all humans eventually ask themselves: Why am I here? It will be no coincidence that he’ll ask it in Pittsburgh in September.
Tribune Co. Will: Sell the Cubs to the Sun-Times, which will instinctively change its name to the Mostly Cloudy, Chance of Showers-Times to reflect the gloom of owning the team.
When Barry Bonds Comes to Wrigley Field, He Will: Congratulate Sosa on winning the home run derby at the All-Star Game, then ask him if the victory lap wasn’t a bit much.
When the Yankees Come to Wrigley Field, They Will: Gather cross-legged on the floor around David Wells and ask him what it was like to be the guy who invented the Internet (while drunk).
The Season’s Highlight Will Be: Dusty Baker complaining about too much media attention on his son, 4-year-old Darren. This will come sometime after Dusty allows Darren to have his own daily radio program. The show will have a baseball theme, but it also will feature lots of SpongeBob SquarePants.
The Season’s Lowlight Will Be: An ugly fight between Sosa and Baker over clubhouse music. Baker will insist on Ja Rule being blasted. A changed man, Sosa will want Garth Brooks. “Garth, he the Man, pretty much,” Sosa will say.
The Team’s Final Record Will Be: 75-87.
In October, This Team Will: Have Baker mumbling to himself, “You know, a man could learn to like Peter Magowan.”
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Cubs at Mets: 12:10 p.m., Fox Sports Net
