Dead.
That’s what July 16 is when it comes to sports news.
And don’t even get me started on Wednesday night’s ESPYs. You think that was coincidence? ESPN knows it has a shot at free advertising with coverage from local newscasts and newspapers struggling to make the Dutch Open sound even a little bit cool. Side note: I got a lifetime’s worth of Jamie Foxx in “Any Given Sunday,” thanks much.
RedEye isn’t excluded from the legions of news-starved outlets. I’m at home trying to recreate the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team upset on my tabletop hockey with new best friend Henry Burris. It’s Russia 3, USA 2 after two periods, but there’s time.
The phone rings.
“Can you please predict the next six months in sports, please?” a little voice asks. (They always make the interns call me, which is fine because I do this for the kids.) Forget for a moment July 16 is only–oh let’s see–16 days past the middle of the calendar year.
Here’s what I wager will happen between now and New Year’s Eve, or what the showfolk call Amateur Night.
July
18 Bill Murray hosts his first annual Murray Brothers
Invitational golf tournament at St. Andrews (no, not that St. Andrews) in West Chicago. Name the other Murray brothers competing and win a prize. (The prize is a … nothing.) Prediction: The winner of this will be happier but not richer than the winner of the British Open.
August
9 Bears host Indianapolis in their first exhibition game.
Prediction: The first sports columnist will write how it’s time to cut Kordell Stewart and start Rex Grossman.
22 The Little League World Series begins in Williamsport, Penn.
Prediction: The players will go on strike unless they get their own parking lot.
30 World Harness Racing
Trotting Derby in DuQuoin, Ill.
Prediction: I’d rather burn ticks off my heinie than watch harness racing. On to September.
September
6 The Tour de Spain begins. Prediction: France throws eggs at the bikers.
11 World
Judo Championships in Osaka, Japan.
Prediction: William Perry gets payback for losing that whole hot dog thing.
22 The calendar on the White Sox Web site shows that
October has no games listed.
Prediction: It will stay that way.
29 Bears open up the new Soldier Field. Prediction: Aliens return from a night of cow-tipping, fly off in the Bears’ upper deck.
October
1-31 There are 31 days in October, as usual. My prediction for the month is the same: Monday Night Football will have a Halloween-theme intro on Oct. 27 with pumpkins carved in the shapes of Al Michaels, John Madden and whoever they have prowling the sidelines this fall.
November
15 The NHL season completes the first month of the NHL 2003-04 schedule. Prediction: I still won’t have noticed.
16 The Canadian Football League’s Grey
Cup will be held in Regina, Saskatchewan. Prediction: By halftime, it will be renamed the Dark-Purple-On-The-Verge-Of-Falling-Off Cup.
December
6 It’s Army vs. Navy in Philadelphia. Prediction: One pass will be thrown (by mistake), it will be decided by a field goal, and CBS will wonder why they ever signed on for this.
16 The first college bowl of Bowl Season is
New Orleans Bowl. But you knew that. Prediction: The Sun Belt Conference champ will destroy the Conference USA champ, mainly because I’m quite sure C-USA plays seven-man football.
