– Total cost of eleven successive cups of coffee at a Greek snack shop, poured by a waitress who calls you “honey”: $1.40
– At Starbucks, poured by a barrista who calls you “dude”: $16.17
– Percentage of Spandex bicycle shorts wearers who own three-way mirrors: .04
– Compulsion felt by commodities traders to order vanity plates that say things like PRK BLLY: Too high.
– Number of Chicago cab drivers at State and Jackson on June 17, 2003, who did not know which direction was west: At least 1
– Chances that a book titled “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Public Office” would be a big seller: Astronomical
– Chances that “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Writing Complete Idiot’s Guides” would also sell: Astronomicaler.
– Odds that Mancow Muller is the most annoying man in Chicago: 8:5
– Chances that a corporate motivational speaker has a folksy, vaguely Southern accent: 2 in 3
– Aesthetic benefit to the Chicago area of a Rosemont casino compared to that of the Donald E. Stephens Museum of Hummels: 1:1
– Percentage of car owners who know that those chirps and beeps from the automatic door locks that make everyone jump three feet can be turned off: Not high enough
– Percentage of SUV roof racks that have never carried anything on the roof: 98.9
– Annual national incidence of pneumonia contracted by family members of the sick while standing outside hospitals smoking: 7,983.
– By hospital staff. 13,704
– Odds that a man under 35 in Bucktown will be wearing large, clunky black shoes: 19 in 20
– Rank of the Freeport, Ill., Pretzels among the coolest names of high school teams in the state: First.
– Of the Hoopeston, Ill., Cornjerkers: Last.
– Percentage decline in the purchase of pocket combs by male models, 2000-2003: 99
– Number of years since it’s been OK for grown men to wear little lady-golfer-type, really short-short socks: 9
– Chances that this will ever look anything but dumb: Fat, slim and none
– Robustness level of shoppers in the Amino Acid section of the Evanston Whole Foods: Lowish.
– Number of Chicagoans who have ever said “Honey, we’re out of amino acids” to a spouse on the way to the store: 0
– Chances that your golf game will improve with more expensive golf balls: None whatsoever
– Cost ratio of dinner for two at NoMi to a set of snow tires: 1:1
– Number of color blind tourists, per summer, who end up in Albany Park while trying to take the El to Evanston: 27
– Increase in average national squinting rate since the advent of teeny tiny eyeglasses, 2001-2003: 346%
– Actual average length of time for which a thing of beauty is a joy: 18 to 24 months.
– Chances that a bride in 2003 will have a visible tattoo: 2 in 5.
– Chances that her mother will try to cover it with makeup before the ceremony: 99%
– Likelihood that visitors from the East Coast will be surprised that they can’t see the other side of the lake: 7 in 10
– That there is a lake here at all: 4 in 10.
– Correlation between reality TV shows and actual reality as experienced by employed adults. 1 in 3.6 million
– Odds that a woman in Lincoln Park who is wearing socks and sandals will have a personal aromatherapist: 9 in 10.
– Percentage of orders in a Lincoln Park Starbucks for a “small black coffee”: .0006
– 2002 dollar figure awarded as severance pay to fired CEOs who did things that, if you did them you’d be serving hard time and never see your kids again:
$4,937,573,302.07
– Actual number of broken hearts for every star on Broadway: 2.3
– Chances that a Chicagoan under the age of 30 owns a bicycle that cost more than his father’s first car: 3 in 5
– Than his father’s current car: 1 in 5
– Nose count possible in a group composed of Tycho Brahe, Lord Elgin and Michael Jackson: 0
– Rank of Chicago among cities whose mayors should lose the hat: First
– Number of times that an unnamed magazine writer has suggested “giving Michael Moore a makeover” to an American magazine editor and gotten laughed at: 1
– Percentage of men who think wearing skinny, form-fitting sweaters makes them more attractive to women: 100.
– Percent for whom this is true: 19
– Percentage of men without diabetes who should wear an I.D. bracelet: 0
– Number of times per month, on average, that a Democratic precinct captain will attend a wake: 2.4
– In the months preceding an aldermanic election: 7.8
– Percentage of young urban professionals who are spending $2,200 for an apartment in Wrigleyville and make Schaumburg the primary butt of their jokes: 63
– Percentage who will eventually buy a house of their own within the Woodfield Mall influence zone: 71
– Chances that a Tribune reader is perplexed that this paper costs $1.79 on Sunday instead of $1.75: 5 in 6
– A Tribune employee: 6 in 7
– Percentage of people who mistake Joe Leiberman’s voice for that of Alf’s TV landlord: 73
– Likelihood that Bill O’Reilly could find his rear end with both hands: Zero.
– Percentage of Chicagoans who can give accurate directions to the suburb of Golf: .03
– Percentage of Golf residents who care: 0
– Odds that someone, somewhere, in the Daley family is heavily invested in the wrought-iron fence business: Too high to calculate.
– In the tree farming industry: Ditto.
– Percentage of screenwriters who believe that one character referring to another as “dog” will endear that character to the movie-goer: 99.
– People who do find this endearing: 1 in 12,588
– Ratio of men who say they “kicked his butt” to butts actually kicked: 1,209:1
– Percentage of American voters who know that the Bush family has a fourth brother: 1
– Number of Bush brothers who will themselves admit this: 2
– Actual ratio of deaths of brave men to deaths of cowards: 1:1
– Relationship of cleanliness to Godliness: None.
– Chances that a chicken in America will ever have the chance to cross a road under its own power: 1 in 890 billion
– Chances that a salesperson will have the word “sales” on his or her business card: 1 in 876
– Correlation between blue corn tortilla buyers and men with pony tails: 4:5
– Number of times the average woman will accept “I was drunk” as a good excuse: .9
– Number of times a man may refer to his girlfriend as “my bitch”: Exactly once
– Chance that the new Soldier Field will end up looking like an extraterrestrial bedpan that’s landed on the Parthenon: Certain
– That it will become beloved once Chicagoans realize that no other American city has one: Equally certain
– Cooperation level between American garbage can manufacturers and pizza box designers: Very low.
– Percentage of American diners who know what “wasabi infused” means: 3
– Rank of Richard M. Daley among American mayors who have seized an airport: #1
– Chances that a Chicago man wearing khaki can spell ‘khaki’: 2 in 9
– Chances that a person describing anything as “classy” will be correct: none
