Mayor Daley and Chicago Public Schools CEO Arne Duncan last week announced plans for “short-term incentives” to boost student attendance, including free Bears, Bulls and White Sox tickets (apparently concluding that the Cubs have little appeal among adolescents). Well, the Tempo Subcommittee on Learning praises this sort of educational marketing, but suggests it doesn’t go far enough. Here then are our recommended incentives to get the kids behind their desks.
– Authentic Paul Vallas bobblehead dolls for the first 100,000 students to report to homeroom.
– Zero percent financing or 10 cents cash back on all vending machine purchases.
– Buy one cafeteria “mystery meat” lunch, get one free.
– Early bird special: Metal detectors shut off for whole half-hour before classes begin.
– Turn Back the Clock Day.
– Clip ‘n’ save Gap coupons on the back page of every test booklet.
– Mattel “Street Cred” Barbie for first 50,000 girls wearing shirts that cover their navels.
– Seized contraband put up for auction at the end of each school day.
– Truants forced to watch “Gigli.”
– Gym suits by Abercrombie.
– Worthwhile lesson plans rather than classes designed to prep for standardized tests.
