The more things change in the NFL, the more the Bears stay the same.
While the rest of the league blazes new trails downfield, the Bears continue to lag, weighed down by the ancestral mud on their high-top cleats. Super-sized athletic quarterbacks and vicious pass rushers might be all the rage in the rest of the league, but not here. The Bears remain stuck in the era of those buzzing electric tabletop football games where the spring-action-arm “passer” had to flip a soggy piece of cotton at his “receiver.” Everybody else in the NFL is playing PS2.
What happened to the team that once thrilled the nation with its T-formation? Today, that very same team steadfastly refuses to adopt the shotgun set-up now found in every NFL playbook. Often credited as innovators of the tight end position, the Bears are still looking for the next Mike Ditka.
Speaking of coaches, the Bears are bucking the trend there too. Other teams pursue proven winners like Jon Gruden and Steve Mariucci and pay top dollar to get them. The Bears? They’ll take the last available coordinator, thank you very much. Most NFL teams place their offensive and defensive coordinators up high in the press box, where they can get a big-picture view of the game. The Bears prefer to keep their coordinators grounded, literally and figuratively.
In this way, at least, their newly remodeled lakefront home seems to fit them well. Described by some as the architectural equivalent of an alien invasion, Soldier Field’s design attempts to blend a classic stone structure with the sleekness of steel and glass. Just like the Bears, it stubbornly hangs on to its roots in the face of overwhelming change. Just like the Bears, it lacks a true identity.
The current Bears are known neither for their running game nor for their passing attack. Beyond Brian Urlacher and the very occasional Mike Brown, their defense evokes shrugs and yawns. The 13-3 playoff season of 2001 seems like a hallucination in the wake of last year’s 4-12 debacle.
Disastrous draft-day decisions have decimated the team’s progress. Cade McNown and Curtis Enis represent two of the biggest first-round bungles in recent history. And when the Bears finally manage to snag a star-quality, modern-age player, like receiver David Terrell, they focus on his post-play antics instead of finding a way to get him on the field. If the 49ers can live with Terrell Owens and his Sharpie, can’t the Bears show some tolerance for Terrell’s mostly harmless hijinks?
In an era of big-play offenses, the Bears play small ball. Last season, they ranked 30th out of 32 teams in yards per play. They were also 28th in third-down conversions, 28th in first downs made and 29th in total offense. If they were running the ball well and chewing up the clock like they did in the glory days of Walter Payton, it would be a different story. But they’re not. The Bears ranked dead last in rushing yards per game and 31st in time of possession.
On defense, the numbers were similarly unimpressive: 25th in yards allowed and 28th in first downs allowed per game. The Bears managed just nine interceptions as a team–tied for fewest in the league and only one more than Tampa Bay’s Brian Kelly, who had eight all by himself.
If you think those numbers are scary, wait until you check the price tags on the personal seat licenses for season tickets. In a case of unfortunate timing, the Bears are fielding what could be their worst team in years while simultaneously sticking their hands deeper into your pockets.
Bears fans will eventually overlook any aesthetic shortcomings of the revamped Soldier Field, especially if the amenities inside are as posh as the developers say they’ll be. Some day, we’ll all get used to seeing the old colonnades and the new spaceship bowl together, and they’ll seem as inseparable as Ben and J.Lo. Some day, the Bears will run a pass play for eight yards or more on third down and eight. Hopefully, at least some of us will live long enough to see it.
In the meantime, let’s take comfort in the fact that, while the team may be stuck in the middle of the 20th Century, at least the stadium washrooms will be state-of-the-art.
Generation gap
Speed and daring are the hallmarks of modern pro football. The Bears, however, remain firmly rooted in the days of leather helmets and high-top cleats.
Category: Signature play
21st Century NFL: 30-yard sideline bomb
Bears: 3-yard buttonhook on 3rd-and-8
Category: Answer to pass rush
21st Century NFL: Shotgun formation
Bears: What? Huh? Did you say T-formation? Speak up, sonny!
Category: Franchise player
21st Century NFL: Super-sized quarterback
Bears: Under-sized linebacker
Category: Key to special teams
21st Century NFL: Breakaway kick returner
Bears: Really good long snapper
Category: Player fashion accessory
21st Century NFL: Do-rag
Bears: Thermal underwear
Category: News-conference protocol
21st Century NFL: Announce hiring of high-profile head coach who charms reporters with his confidence and wit.
Bears: Announce hiring of low-profile head coach who then balks at deal; hold news conference anyway without him.
