MATCHUP
at N.Y. Giants 23
St. Louis 13
WHIZZER SAID
My Liquid Lock and the line was pick ’em. So I took the Rams. My bad.
DRIVE-THROUGH
Less barking, more catching by Shockey.
BUFFET-STYLE
Nice showing by Giants offense (336 yards) but defense runs this show.
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
Kurt Warner finishes with 342 yards, a TD and an INT, but was sacked six times and fumbled six times. I’ve seen Dick Van Dyke take fewer tumbles than Warner on Sunday.
MATCHUP
Houston 21
at Miami 20
WHIZZER SAID
I warned you to curb this pick. You’re surprised the ‘Fins didn’t cover the 14 spread?
DRIVE-THROUGH
Break up the Texans. No really.
BUFFET-STYLE
Dolphins reverse trend by choking at beginning of season. That’ll show ya!
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
Jay Fiedler throws three touchdowns. Ricky Williams gains 129 total yards. What gives? Couldn’t be Wanny,
could it?
MATCHUP
at Carolina 24
Jacksonville 23
WHIZZER SAID
Take the Panthers and give 4. Pretty simple, even for cats.
DRIVE-THROUGH
You’re reading this? Traitors.
BUFFET-STYLE
Delhomme rallies in place of Peete; will go down in Panthers history as who gives a flip.
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
Mark Brunell, who has been received as warmly as a leftover TV dinner, nearly pulls off the upset. I happen to like TV dinner scraps, hint, hint.
MATCHUP
at Buffalo 31
New England 0
WHIZZER SAID
Another “pick ’em” that went horribly, horribly awry.
DRIVE-THROUGH
Bills start get-a-Pat-a-year program.
BUFFET-STYLE
Colvin, Big Ted bring Bear factor with them. So much for Patriots winning the East.
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
Takeo Spikes intercepts two passes. Lawyer Milloy gets a sack. Big Sam Adams rumbles in end zone with his INT. Bills should target more of other teams’ disgruntled players. Poor Jets.
MATCHUP
Denver 30
at Cincinnati 10
WHIZZER SAID
Take the Bengals, sure, but take six. Meant 60.
DRIVE-THROUGH
Bengals look like pimps of the cat world.
BUFFET-STYLE
What, Bengals D still not inspired by guy named Marvin?
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
Good to watch Broncos QB Jake Plummer keep the defense honest–his own.
Fortunately, Clinton Portis (120 yards rushing, 2 TDs) is a beast.
MATCHUP
Indianapolis 9
at Cleveland 6
WHIZZER SAID
The spread on Friday was 1 for the Browns. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
DRIVE-THROUGH
More entertained scratching myself.
BUFFET-STYLE
All of that Tim Couch-Kelly Holcomb hokum for this?
Garo Yepremian looked better.
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
Thought the Big 3 in Indy was Manning, Harrison and James. The Colts must have been referring to Mike Vanderjagt, the “idiot kicker” who pulled their bacon out of the fire. Mmmm, bacon.
MATCHUP
at Detroit 42
Arizona 24
WHIZZER SAID
Take the Lions, give 4. Who knew the Cards are better without Plummer?
DRIVE-THROUGH
BCS implications huge.
BUFFET-STYLE
Charles Rogers?
Anquan Bolden?
Gotta buy the program next time.
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
Reminds of the time this Pomeranian took on a Welsh Corgi with a serious overbite. Boy did those pink ribbons fly! Guess this makes the Lions and Cardinals sure bets for the playoffs.
MATCHUP
Minnesota 30
at Green Bay 25
WHIZZER SAID
My pick was a “no-brainer” for the Pack. A pick, not an order. Bring the brains.
DRIVE-THROUGH
All about Viqueens D, those curs.
BUFFET-STYLE
Look at the bright side Cheeseheads: Packers already lead league in dreadlocks.
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
Would say something about Brett Favre (4 INTs) looking like Kordell Stewart, but that was before
Stewart out-Kordelled himself. Nothing wrong with that Culpepper-to-Moss hookup, though.
MATCHUP
at Kansas City 27
San Diego 14
WHIZZER SAID
Line was Chiefs by 51 1/42 . . . which would’ve covered the first quarter.
DRIVE-THROUGH
Chiefs defense, good of you to join us.
BUFFET-STYLE
Schottenheimer: Here are the keys to my defense, have it back by 10.
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
But … but … Priest Holmes was going to hold out. But … but … Priest Holmes had that hip injury. Far be it from me to sniff about “but’s,” but Priest Holmes had 159 total yards, two TDs and the Chargers on their heels.
MATCHUP
at Pittsburgh 34
Baltimore 15
WHIZZER SAID
Steelers would “steal” it. Sorry, it’s early for me too. Still working out the cobwebs.
DRIVE-THROUGH
The Kyle Boller era. Yeah.
BUFFET-STYLE
“D” inspired by LB Joey Porter, who got shot in the caboose. Hate when that happens.
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
Tommy Maddox (3 TDs) looked more like the old Kurt Warner than Kurt Warner. Dan Reeves tries to claim first dibs but Bill Cowher’s not havin’ it.
MATCHUP
Atlanta 27 at Dallas 13
WHIZZER SAID
Apparently backup QB, 2-point spread still too much for Tuna’s squad.
DRIVE-THROUGH
Who needs that Vick guy?
BUFFET-STYLE
Warrick Dunn, 41 yards and a scoring catch.
QB Doug Johnson
2 TDs, 1 INT.
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
After building a 7-3 lead, Dallas allowed 17 unanswered points, and you best believe Parcells locked up the post-game pudding cups. Quincy Carter in tears.
MATCHUP
at Seattle 27
New Orleans 10
WHIZZER SAID
‘Hawks at their lovely new stadium, covering the 3.
DRIVE-THROUGH
Timer set on Haslett hot seat.
BUFFET-STYLE
Seahawks deadly, but don’t feed them Alka-Seltzer. (I’ll explain later.)
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
Seattle “D,” which ranked last in ’02 in rushing defense, held potent Saints to 103 yards on ground. Shh, no one tell Matt Hasselbeck (2 TDs) this wasn’t a drill.
MATCHUP
at Tennessee 25
Oakland 20
WHIZZER SAID
Take the Raiders, get 3 and the respect the Silver and Black deserve.
DRIVE-THROUGH
Titans new kings of the AFC hill …
BUFFET-STYLE
… except that last Tennessee touchdown catch–wasn’t.
THE HOSTESS WILL SEAT YOU
The Steve McNair-Rich Gannon duel (2 TD tosses each) was a classic, not unlike the basset hound. But not as cute.
