And so it begins, the poignant fall dance in which, this year, 37 new series on the six principal networks vie for your attention, long life, syndication and the potential to make their principals richer than Seinfeld.
But first comes a premise, some stars, maybe even a script. Here we show you what’s running where and provide capsule descriptions of each of these potential gold mines. (Plus season premier dates.)
But don’t buy that big mansion just yet, members of television’s Class of ’03. If history is any guide, more than 25 of you won’t make it.
Monday
It’s a pretty static evening. WB stands pat, and there’s just one new comedy each in the CBS and UPN blocks. NBC subs “Las Vegas” for “Crossing Jordan,” the latter still in production as a midseason replacement. Fox replaces “Boston Public” (now on Fridays) with the porn-themed “Romeo & Juliet” knockoff “Skin.”
“Joe Millionaire,” you’ll note, is back, despite Fox promises that the show’s core con couldn’t be pulled off again. CBS’ “The King of Queens” has been moved to Wednesdays.
And ABC’s newest pre-“Monday Night Football” try is a newsmagazine. Or how about just starting the game an hour earlier so we can all get to bed?
NEW COMEDIES
“Eve”: The rapper plays a fashion designer with a new boyfriend in a UPN show that’s supposed to be more about relationships than music or clothes.
“Two and a Half Men”: Mismatched brothers have to move in together. Charlie Sheen is the boorish lothario; Jon Cryer is the divorcing family man with a kid. But the real mismatch is that Cryer is still funny and Sheen still isn’t.
NEW DRAMAS
“Skin”: Fetching teen girl is the daughter of L.A.’s porn king. Fetching teen boy is the son of the prosecutor, porn king’s mortal enemy. It’s “Romeo & Juliet,” minus iambic pentameter, plus silicone.
“Las Vegas”: James Caan plays a casino security chief, Josh Duhamel his daughter’s boyfriend and employee. There’s more glitter than gold in the pilot.
Tuesday
Reliable old “JAG” is gone to Friday, replaced by unpronounceable, redundantly titled spin-off “Navy NCIS.” “Buffy” has retired, leaving — cringe — UPN comedies to fill the schedule. “Smallville” is gone, too, migrated to Wednesday, and suddenly TV’s most competitive hour, 8 p.m. Tuesday, is looking almost threadbare. But 9 p.m. improves, with “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” replacing a “Dateline.” Meanwhile, Fox does not yet have a 7 p.m. show (“World’s Scariest Programming Decisions”?), and NBC prays “Good Morning, Miami” actually has fans who will follow it from Thursday to here. Sure it does. Sure they will.
NEW COMEDIES
“Whoopi”: Showing more attitude than wit, Whoopi Goldberg is no John Cleese as she runs a small Manhattan hotel into the ground or cancellation. Whoopee!
“Happy Family”: Old pros Christine Baranski and John Larroquette shine as well-off suburban parents to not-so-well-adjusted, only nominally adult children.
“I’m with Her”: Chris Henchy turns his real-life situation into what ABC deems a comedy situation. The former “Spin City” writer is married to Brooke Shields, and his show is about a teacher (David Sutcliffe) romancing a superstar actress (Teri Polo).
“All of Us”: The big stars here aren’t even on screen. Executive producers Will and Jada Pinkett Smith came up with this tepid domestic sitcom about a talk-show host (Duane Martin) juggling a fiance (Elise Neal), soon-to-be ex-wife and kid.
“Rock Me Baby”: Shock jock (Dan Cortese) has a baby and discovers it cramps his lifestyle. For the wealth of original comedy this premise provides, see “Yes, Dear.”
“The Mullets”: Can a notorious haircut, as modeled by two roofer brothers, be turned into a weekly television series? UPN says, “Hell, yeah. Rock and ROLL!” as it hopes to, at minimum, become the most popular series in the NHL.
NEW DRAMAS
“Navy NCIS”: Like “All About Eve” in a Navy uniform, the spinoff from “JAG,” starring Mark Harmon as a naval forensics investigator, pushes the parent show off to Friday night.
“One Tree Hill”: Rich boy and poor boy in small town find out they’re half brothers and try to get along in WB’s late schedule replacement for the silly-seeming crime drama “Fearless.”
Wednesday
The new “Bachelor” wisely brings back chubby funny guy Bob Guiney from “The Bachelorette.” “Smallville” moves over from Tuesday, as a lead-in to “Angel” in a pretty sharp WB night.
The retooled “The West Wing,” which NBC thought would be better without the guy, Aaron Sorkin, who thought it up, remains in place. And the new CBS and ABC dramas try to do what nothing else has been able to: Make a dent in “Law & Order’s” numbers.
New Comedies
“A Minute with Stan Hooper”: Great premise plus great star equals great promise. Norm MacDonald plays a Charles Kuralt type who decides to actually move to a small town. In Wisconsin, he and wife Penelope Ann Miller discover rustic life ain’t like the big-city reporters paint it.
“It’s All Relative”: Son of Boston bar — sorry, bah — owners (ownahs, including the terrific comic Lenny Clarke, slumming) becomes engaged to daughter of high-toned gay couple. The parents are more interesting than their issue, but not by much.
New dramas
“Jake 2.0”: Computer geek gets infused with microrobots who turn him superhuman. So geek Jake (Christopher Gorham) becomes a spy in surprisingly effective UPN action hour.
“The Brotherhood of Poland, New Hampshire”: David E. Kelley’s crap shoot, in which he tries to paint a slightly more heartwarming version of “Affliction’s” small-town New Hampshire tableau, with three aging brothers living life. Great cast includes Randy Quaid, Chris Penn, Elizabeth McGovern and Mare Winningham.
“Karen Sisco”: Stepping in for Jennifer Lopez as the Elmore Leonard character from “Out of Sight” is Carla Gugino (“Hidden Hills,” “Spin City”). In the pilot, at least, the writers get some of Leonard’s terse, intelligent tone right.
Thursday
Without “Good Morning, Miami,” must-see TV will seem only like maybe-ought-to-see TV. But life and prime time go on.
Replacing it, NBC thinks it has something special in the knockoff of a Brit hit “Coupling,” but it merely has something sexual (and decidedly not sexy). ABC is essentially punting, while Fox offers more of a WB lineup. WB, meanwhile, serves up comedies for those who don’t think “Friends” (in its this-is-really-it final season), “Scrubs” and “Will & Grace” measure up.
But the big story will be in how much of its summertime momentum the terrific “Without a Trace” can maintain in its attempt to overthrow the fading “ER.”
NEW COMEDIES
“Steve Harvey’s Big Time”
The comic, radio host and former sitcom star tries a real throwback. It’s also a real long shot, a sort of weekly half-hour of Stupid Human Tricks that will try to push Harvey’s not inconsiderable charm on the home audience.
“Coupling”
In Britain, this smart relationship comedy was more than just a “Friends” knockoff. In its American knockoff version, it’s confirmation of every Brit stereotype about our culture’s lack of subtlety or sophistication.
“Run of the House”
It’s “Party of Five” without the mopey personal business! A teenager and her three older siblings, including Joey (now “Joe”) Lawrence, get the run of the Michigan house when mom and dad move south. Actually, “Party of Five” was less depressing.
NEW DRAMAS
“Threat Matrix”
See the daring homeland security agents fight terrorism, presumably not by focusing on turning Iraq into a democracy. This one is notable mainly as a copy editor’s nightmare: A co-star is Mahershalalhashbaz Ali.
“Tru Calling”
“Groundhog Day” meets “The Sixth Sense,” or something like that. Ex-“Buffy” villain Eliza Dushku plays a woman who hears dead people, then jumps back a day to try to stop the killing.
“The O.C.”
It’s been playing since August, but the Fox soap opera about a troubled poor teen who moves into a wealthy So-Cal home sort of counts as a fall show.
Friday
The winds of change blow turbulent across the Friday showscape. New to the night are overwrought “Boston Public,” buttoned-down “JAG” and occasionally excellent sophomore “Boomtown.”
So are ABC comedies “George Lopez” and “Life With Bonnie” part of a halfhearted attempt to revive the network’s defunct TGIF franchise?
Unfortunately the night has two of the season’s better new dramas, soulful “Joan of Arcadia” and winningly frothy “Miss Match,” going head to head.
NEW COMEDIES
“Married to the Kellys”: Breckin Meyer (“Inside Schwartz”) gets to sneer at Middle America when Meyer’s writer character and his wife move near her big and sitcom-quirky Kansas City family. Think of it as payback for Middle America sneering at “Inside Schwartz.”
“Luis”: In small doses Luis Guzman (“Traffic”) is a fine character actor. In big doses, he’s the ineffective and massively unlikable centerpiece of this gruesome little crudity about a doughnut-shop owner.
“Like Family”: Like an interracial blended family, as Holly Robinson Peete’s clan takes in a white single mom and her teen son. And — uh-oh — daddy’s favorite toilet seat breaks.
“Hope & Faith”: Kelly Ripa (“Live With Regis and Kelly”) gets a nighttime job, playing a soap diva who gets fired and moves in with sister Faith Ford’s family. From the screechy way this plays, she was fired for cause.
“All About the Andersons”: Based on the life of single dad Anthony Anderson (“Barbershop”), it’s about an actor (Anderson) who moves back in with his dad (John Amos).
NEW DRAMAS
“Joan of Arcadia”: The most daring new network drama is the anti-“Touched By an Angel.” With considerable irreverence mixed in, it looks at a teen (Amber Tamblyn) who is visited by God. Her parents (Joe Mantegna and Mary Steenburgen) just think she’s having normal teen weirdness.
“Miss Match”: Alicia Silverstone rediscovers her “Clueless” charm in this dramedy from Darren Star (“Sex and the City”). Silverstone plays a lawyer-turned-matchmaker; Ryan O’Neal is her gruff dad.
“The Handler”: Joseph Pantoliano, last seen as a disembodied head in “The Sopranos,” gets it back together as an FBI agent leading an undercover team.
Saturday
This is the night the networks give every indication they would rather not have to program. But they do, at least until somebody gets the bright idea to make these three hours a showcase for repeats of their best stuff from the previous week.
In the meantime, ABC, which can’t quite bear the vanity toll it would take to cancel “The Wonderful World of Disney,” moves it to Saturday, along with the renamed, recast “L.A. Dragnet.” In that one, Ethan Embry’s gone and Ed O’Neill (“Married … With Children”) now supervises young cops. Also new to the night is CBS’ vigilante cabbie drama “Hack,” which managed to survive its freshman season despite squandering Andre Braugher.
No new shows.
Sunday
ABC puts “The Practice” back where it grew popular after almost killing it on Mondays last season — though the wholesale cast changes will jar fans. WB tries out an ape-man, aiming to update Tarzan the same way “Smallville” did Superman. Rob Lowe gets his unabashed lead role in “The Lyon’s Den.” And Fox, the network that canceled “Andy Richter Controls the Universe,” goes only one-for-two with new comedies.
NEW COMEDIES
“The Ortegas”: Al Madrigal hosts an amateur talk show in his living room featuring real celebrity guests and his fake family. It’s based on a British show, but it plays more like E!’s “Michael Essany Show.” Except Essany is way funnier.
“Arrested Development”: Charmingly off-kilter pilot about Jason Bateman as the sane one in a family of distinctively useless, used-to-be-rich relatives (including “Mr. Show’s” David Cross). But Fox couldn’t build an audience for the even more impressive “Andy Richter,” so don’t get attached to this one.
NEW DRAMAS
“Cold Case”: More stylish criminal procedure from Jerry Bruckheimer’s TV company. At its center, the alluringly hardened Kathryn Morris (“Minority Report”) pokes into long-ignored cases.
“10-8”: New L.A. cop (Danny Nucci) tries to walk the line between comedy and drama. It’s more training wheels than “Training Day.”
“Tarzan”: Calvin Klein model Travis Fimmel has perfect hair in every single scene as the raised-by-apes heir in New York. Jane is a cute cop entranced by the knuckle dragger.
“The Lyon’s Den”: Rob Lowe looked like an idiot when he left “The West Wing” for a starring role. Now, with Aaron Sorkin gone, he looks like a genius. Until you see “Lyon’s Den,” a young-lawyer-in-over-his-head tale that plays like John Grisham on autopilot.
