Should the Cubs win Game 7 on Wednesday night to give them their first NL pennant since–all together now, 1945–they would face either Boston or New York. If it makes a difference, we break down what a Cubs fan should be hoping for (beyond a win on Wednesday):
If the Red Sox make the World Series
If the Yankees make the World Series
What’s best for the Cubs
If the Red Sox make the World Series
Accents: You can order “clam chow-DAH” in Chicago for the rest of October and always get a giggle.
If the Yankees make the World Series
Accents: You’ll need to watch “GoodFellas” again to get a refresher course.
What’s best for the Cubs
New York. Whaddya want? A leg or a wing?
If the Red Sox make the World Series
Traveling fans: You can visit the St. Charles River, Harvard and USS Constitution.
If the Yankees make the World Series
Traveling fans: You can visit Manhattan and get pick-pocketed.
What’s best for the Cubs
Boston. But put the wallets up front just to be safe.
If the Red Sox make the World Series
Curses: Talk of the “Curse of the Bambino” will only get stronger, not that the nation isn’t already sick of it. Folks, he’s dead already.
If the Yankees make the World Series
Curses: New Yorkers curse out Chicago as only New Yorkers can do.
What’s best for the Cubs
New York. But do your kids a favor and cover their ears.
If the Red Sox make the World Series
Late-night jabs: Jay Leno focuses his firepower on lame-o Red Sox fans.
If the Yankees make the World Series
Late-night jabs: David Letterman focus his firepower on backing the Yankees.
What’s best for the Cubs
Boston/Leno. The Schwarzenegger thing makes him very vulnerable.
If the Red Sox make the World Series
Celeb fans: Ben Affleck and J.Lo nuzzle along the third-base side.
If the Yankees make the World Series
Celeb fans: Rudy Giuliani and Billy Crystal show up on the first-base side.
What’s best for the Cubs
New York. Unless Rudy and Billy nuzzle too.
If the Red Sox make the World Series
Opponent’s field: Fenway Park is haunted by ghosts of World Series lost.
If the Yankees make the World Series
Opponent’s field: Yankee Stadium is haunted by ghosts of World Series bought.
What’s best for the Cubs
Boston. Bad mojo is good mojo.
If the Red Sox make the World Series
Movies: You can recall Hollywood’s best references to Fenway Park in “Field of Dreams” and “Good Will Hunting.”
If the Yankees make the World Series
Movies: You replay “Major League” and “Anger Management.”
What’s best for the Cubs
Boston. “Damn Yankees” is a musical and that’s a Bozo no-no.
If the Red Sox make the World Series
National support: Plenty of Americans will back the Red Sox, baseball’s other perennial also-rans.
If the Yankees make the World Series
National support: The global population outside the five boroughs backs the Cubs. Bet we snag some Mets fans too.
What’s best for the Cubs
New York. Together, we can make the miracle happen.
If the Red Sox make the World Series
Who’s stronger? Pedro Martinez might throw at our heads.
If the Yankees make the World Series
Who’s stronger? Don Zimmer may throw punches at our heads.
What’s best for the Cubs
New York. C’mon, Zimm loves us. He’d never do that.
If the Red Sox make the World Series
Freak out move: Bug a Red Sox fan by reminding them Bill Buckner was a Cub.
If the Yankees make the World Series
Freak out move: Shake up a Yankees fan by asking to see their 2002 World Series rings. Oh whoops, that’s right. Anaheim won last year.
What’s best for the Cubs
Boston. The Buckner thing will never heal.
The tally: It’s Boston in a close series. Cubs fans need the Red Sox to pull off the comeback of all comebacks. But if the
Yankees advance (yawn), there’s always hope. If a team called the Diamondbacks can beat them, so can a team like the Cubs.
