Dear Harriette: I have an acquaintance who uses the same Internet provider that I do. She has a lot of free time on her hands right now, and whenever she sees that I’m online, she sends me an instant message. I am very busy and rarely have time to talk to her, but I feel guilty. Whenever she writes she has some really uplifting thing to say, so I feel bad about either not responding or cutting her off. How can I manage this situation?
— Carolyn, Tacoma, Wash.
Carolyn: Creating boundaries doesn’t have to feel like rejection. Think about your intention in this situation: What do you hope to accomplish? If your goal is to create realistic expectations for communication with this woman and manage your time better, then approach her with that attitude. When she writes again and you’re busy, tell her. Write back, “I’m on the phone. Can’t talk right now. Have a great day.” Or “Thanks for thinking of me. I’ll be in touch when I can.” Or if you honestly don’t have time to respond, don’t.
As my husband often says, people contact you when it’s convenient for them. That doesn’t mean the time is convenient for you. You can also put a message on your instant messenger stating that you are away from your desk, or make your screen name invisible to this woman if you can’t find another way to keep her at bay.
Dear Harriette: I am responding to Rebecca in Chicago about her high school boyfriend’s wedding. You do make some good points for her not to go, but at the same time, if I were Rebecca I would show up with my husband and kids to ensure there is no risk. In addition, if I were the bride, I would grow up, trust my new husband, and see that Rebecca has been happily married for 10 years and has no interest in taking him away. Rebecca, if you read this, I say go anyway!
— Kati, Inver Grove Heights, Minn.
Kati: In theory, I believe you present a healthy perspective. Trust is perhaps the strongest glue for a healthy marriage. In this case, the old high school flames can and should turn to their spouses to fortify their relationships and not feel threatened by a relationship from more than 20 years ago. Living in the present would do everyone well.
Yet there’s one important point that you seem to have overlooked. The former flame specifically told his ex that his fiance did not want to invite her to their wedding. Crashing a wedding with family in tow will not send the message that it’s time for everyone to be friends. It’s more a sign of disrespect than anything. A wedding is a sacred event designed to bring loved ones together whom both partners want to share in their moment of becoming a married couple. If a chance exists for these two couples to become friends it will happen sometime when all agree they want to come together.
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